Heidi here, again – I should change the author of the post to save myself the trouble. Anyway, this would have been posted 4 hours ago except that I fell asleep while waiting for Courtney….okay, I’m kinda kidding. I did fall asleep but according to my time line, my nap coincided with her getting done. Hey!! I busted my ass all morning long!! I cleaned out TWO closets, bagged stuff for Goodwill and made a trip to the dumpster. So there. Anyway…on with the show…
The Salt in the Wound Award: Brooke Burke
Courtney: Everyone’s favorite flaky cohost had an uncanny way of asking questions this week that seemed to make the answerers feel like poop She made sure to ask Ralph how it felt to be the old guy on Team Chelsea. She asked Romeo how it felt to be the last one picked. She reminded Team Hines that Chelsie had referred to them as “old parents”. Wow Brooke, you sure know how to make the contestants feel like a million bucks
Heidi: Now that you mention it, I did find myself saying STFU an awful lot…
Len Goodman Creepy Old Guy Phrase O’ the Week: “And the boobie prize goes to…”
Courtney: Was I the only one that saw a moment of utter disgust on Kendra, Kirstie, & Kym’s faces when Len announced that their team had won the “Boobie Prize”? They all looked down at their ample bosoms (of which Kym’s Awesome Boobage still reigns supreme ) and then looked up in horror.
Heidi:I feel dirty.
DWTS Sexual harassment Lawsuit Fodder O’ the Week: Romeo’s declaration of there being “a party in my pants…and everyone’s invited!”
Courtney: I’m sure Bruno has already RSVP’d.
Heidi: I’m sure the place will be packed.
The “You Started it!” Award, a.k.a. Payback is a Beyotch Award: The Tag Team of Len Goodman and Tom Bergeron for video of Mark confronting Len and the declaration of “I don’t know what he’s moaning about…Maybe it’s Youth”.
Heidi: Ya know, I gotta laugh at that, because when you act like a brat on this show, you have to know there will be consequences. Last week Tom and the producers got Bruno with the Elton John video. This week was Mark’s turn - act pouty and sulky and make non-obscene gestures which everyone around you then has to explain away as a secret hand gesture between you and your father, confront Len, complain about Len – and well, gee, you have to know that there could be repercussions. Funny ones. So, they show the “confrontation” and then Tom and Len proceed to talk about Mark. Tom essentially gives Len a platform to come back and Mark has to grin and bear it. But the VERY best part of the whole exchange was the declaration by Len: “I don’t know what he’s moaning about. Maybe it’s youth”. It made me think that perhaps Mark and Chelsea shouldn’t have excused all their varied activities (risks, etc.) on being young. It might come back on you at some point. Of course, Tom had to come back with, “You don’t remember that, do you.” Great thing about Len is he can laugh when Tom makes cracks about him.
Courtney: I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a certain smug satisfaction from seeing Mark squirm uncomfortably as Tom & Len talked about him in the 3rd person And yes, as “unfair” as the show may seem to some, karma always comes back to either reward or punish people – granted, it may take a season or two, but payback’s a bitch regardless…trust me, I know her personally But you’d think by now that most of these pros would be cognizant of the fact that the cameras catch EVERYTHING…and they’ll use that footage however they see fit to garner ratings. Just like you have no room to bitch & moan if you know Len hates “edgy” and he gives you bad scores when you do “edgy”, you also can’t complain about being painted in a bad light due to the footage they choose to show of you. Lessons to be learned in your “youth”, dear Mark…
Best Use of Chemistry (and I don’t mean drugs), Week 7: Hines and Kym for their confessional as shown on the results show.
Heidi: Seriously, what was Hines doing with another woman the other night when he and Kym are the cutest things ever? Their confessional was, once again, the cutest thing about the results show. Kym’s going on and on about how Hines “took control” of her, blah blah and he grabs her arm and yanks her toward him and she’s all “Oh hello” – was she purring? I might have. Wait…is this more than you needed to know about me?
Courtney: Idk, as much flak as this is probably gonna get me, Hines is in the doghouse with me right now – not for the whole accidental run-in with the law nonsense, but because he was with some “mystery woman” and not She of the Awesome Boobage. Seriously – if there’s anyone in the cast that I think is mere inches away from a tawdry late-night, post-rehearsal rendezvous at the Chateau Marmont, it’s these two. Such cute, genuine chemistry between them – on the floor and off. I am a total Hinenkym shipper. Their cute kids would emerge from the womb ready to model for United Colors of Benetton.
Best Excuse for Screwing Up a Dance, Season 7 thus far: Kirstie Ally – “I kissed you and everything’s a blur after that.”
Heidi: No wonder Maks loves her – who wouldn’t love a constant ego boost. And she’s just so dang funny about it while seeming as straight forward as you can get. It’s quite endearing.
Courtney: Kirstie, you wise & wily little minx – you know quite well that flattery will get you everywhere when it comes to a certain virile, macho Russian. And you know that comedy will get you everywhere with the audience – only you would be able to turn kissing & bad juju into acceptable excuses for poor performances.
Award For Open Mic Moment That Was Most Reminiscent of a Porn Movie: Karina (and Ralph)
Heidi: Um, not that I watch porn. No siree, not me. Ahem. Anyway, when they replay parts of the dance with the mics open on the couple, Karina *squeals* when Ralph drags her over the bar, then you hear a lot of heavy breathing, then Ralph says, “You Okay” and Karina pants “Yes”. Come ON!! That is so porno. No wonder I love Ralph. Is this too much about me again?
Courtney: Ahem. Well, those of you that follow me on Twitter know that I am quite openly a fan of “adult films”. But we’ll leave that at that for now. Anywho! If Stevie Wonder had been watching-er, LISTENING to the show, he may have gotten the wrong idea, based on the exchange that was heard following the 2nd “fall heard round the world”. Oh Ralphie, you stud you – you and that fire down below!
Award for Stupidest Time Filler in the History (probably, so far) of the Show: Pros and their Celebs, One on One
Heidi: CUT THE SHOW TO AN HOUR. Please. I beg you. Don’t feed me any more crap like this craptastic crap-fest. Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, the next two awards will be birthed from the crapfest, so while I beg you to STOP the f@#king melodrama, I also have to say thank you.
Courtney: Dumb, scripted poppycock. I was waiting for a suitcase of cash and some drugs to exchange hands…or the Feds to burst in or something. I was disappointed.
Award for Best Rejection in the Stupidest Time Filler in History: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for his response to Kirstie Alley’s long winded request of what she needs for a good partnership followed by: “Deal?” Maks: “Probably not”.
Heidi: I got the feeling that Maks also thought it was the stupidest time filler in the history of the show. When it’s Kirstie and Maks, he can say shit like this and make it the most endearing and funny thing ever. Context is everything.
Courtney: As I said previously in the season, I think these two were the first to really realize what a f*cking joke the show can be sometimes – and their brand of “playing along” involves some very tongue-in-cheek exchanges. This was no exception I’m interested to see what kind of humor they bring to the table as the finale approaches…because we all know the amount of nonsense we’re made to sit through is directly proportional to how far along we are in the competition. Yay.
Award for Best Ridicule of the Stupidest Time Filler in History: Tom Bergeron for “We had to kick out a poker tournament and 3 psychics to get that space!!”
Heidi: BURN. Well done, Tommy B.
Courtney: Bah, I think Tom’s prolly exaggerating – Miss Cleo got shut down how many years ago? That room was probably bank-owned and sitting abandoned in a warehouse in Fresno - I bet the location scout tasked with procuring a space for that bit nabbed it for pennies on the dollar and blew the rest of his budget on Cuervo.
Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Romeo has found that you’re never too imperiled to plug.” Honorable Mention: “The audience is all calmed down now that I’ve blamed everything on the producers.”
Heidi: Tom finally addressed what everyone noticed a while ago – that Romeo works this show like the media tool it was meant to be. LOL. And then Tom sneaks in another dig at who REALLY makes him put people in jeopardy (and who are responsible for Pia pimpage, stupidest time filler in the history of the show, craptastic songs that don’t go with the dances they’re being used for, etc.) – those pesky producers. Tom was back in fine form after a week where everything (and not just him) seemed a bit forced.
Courtney: Hey, can’t blame the kid – if elimination is likely immenint, you may as well try to get people to come see you elsewhere Sublimal message in Tom’s line about the producers: “Conrad Green is a turd. You will write many letters to the network demanding that he be replaced. And you will protest outside the office of the Primetime Emmy Awards committee until they agree to fix the results of the Best Reality TV Host competition in my favor.”
Heidi: Man…EVERY year Tommy is robbed in favor of he of the massive dimples – The Probst. Probst, sit out a season – you are massively edited to get the best results whereas Tom is LIVE every week and never misses a beat!! The man is deserving!!