Let them eat CAKE!! Hope you all enjoy. Personally, I feel like I didn’t drink enough booze before writing my parts.
Most Disappointing Chickening Out – Derek Hough, for wussing on the “wild” hair.
Heidi: I was so looking forward to a Billy Idol look because of all the pre-show speculation and Derek’s comment. Then he had to go and make it all ‘normal schoolboy’ looking.
Courtney: Maybe schoolboy hair is wacky to him, hehe. He’s already done the greaser hair that Tom likened to a bird sanctuary, and the faux-hawk…at this point, normal hair almost seems wackier on him.
Biggest Cheesy Sap Award -Princess Heidi
Heidi: WHAT?? Edelweiss makes me misty EVERY time!! What of it??
Courtney: Dude, that song puts me to sleep. And the actual flower edelweiss makes me sneeze like the dickens. Just take a Midol or something ;-)
Heidi: Wine. I need wine. Wait…that was the problem on Monday.
Cheesiest Choreographic Move of the Night – Anna Trebunskaya, for making Kurt Warner skip; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey’s bizarre windmill movement during her & Kyle’s waltz
Heidi: OMG – how much did I love Kurt in a tiara with his little girls. But Anna, big men don’t (or shouldn’t) skip. I know what you were going for, but he didn’t pull it off. I still love him though.
Courtney: I actually really liked the skipping Kurt’s just a big teddy bear to me! But that windmill step that went on FOREVER in Kyle & Lacey’s waltz? UGH. One was plenty – Lacey did at least a bajillion.
Heidi: I forgot about that bizarre move. It might have been cooler if they had pulled it off.
Award for Choreography Creating the Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance – Louis Van Amstel
Heidi: All that talk pre-show about how emotional your story was, how good it made you feel, how it was about a girl who was overweight in high school but then became a successful showgirl – what the hell happened?? NONE of that came through in the actual dance. I kept waiting for some message. But the only thing was a big smile and rainbow fringe – which really only says I happily support gay people. That is fantastic – but it’s not what you said the dance was going to be about, and it’s not really a “story”. Color me confused – in every color of the rainbow.
Courtney: Sorry, but I could get barely get past the costumes – just gadawful. She looked like giant parrot, and Louis brought to mind Rainbow Brite – if Rainbow Brite was a petite gay man who could dance his ass off. Any smidgen of a story that there could have been was overshadowed by the blinding rainbow of pride we were visually assaulted with – and while I’m totally cool with them showing off their pride, I was kinda hoping they’d at least TRY to convey a story at the same time…which they didn’t. Although I’m a bit unsure of just HOW they’d convey the story they were planning to…maybe have some kids off to the side heckling Margaret at the beginning of the dance, and then Margaret doffs her plain-looking attire to reveal her fabulous showgirl attire and begins a show-stopping rendition of “Copacabana” while those same hecklers look on in awe? And somehow Louis fits into the picture? I know, I know…I’m reaching. The conclusion – while the message they were trying to convey was admirable, they probably should’ve gone with something that was easier to show.
Tom Bergeron Line ‘O Performance Night: – Mentioning “Stockholm Syndrome” in regard to Maks and Brandy; Honorable Mention for – “Audrina, Tony and the smoke monster from Lost”; “Len ‘Spanky’ Goodman”; and “It’s like high noon with spandex!”
Heidi: Bwahaha – he drops in these little, hysterical asides that often make me wonder how many people catch them. And if they catch them, do they get them?? I love me some smart Bergeron. Seriously – that Stockholm Syndrome line was pure fucking genius.
Courtney: Tom was full of cerebral one-liners this week – and more often than not, I’m pretty sure they just come off the top of his head, which is even more impressive. Less Brooke – more Tom
Award for Couple Most Hosed by Producers – The Situation and Karina
Heidi: Black Eyed Peas for a FOXTROT??? Are you kidding me? I’m speechless. Karina looked amazing, and considering the music The Sitch didn’t do too bad – I was entertained. But I sure don’t blame him for not getting it.
Courtney: I gotta give these two MAJOR props this week – easily the worst song choice of the week, yet they somehow made it work and actually gave a performance that was oddly entertaining and memorable. Add to that the fact that The Situation is still pretty hopeless – the fact that they got a halfway decent score (let alone the encore for the week!) is miraculous. I almost wonder if the powers that be were sitting around thinking about who they wanted for the encore this week and said “Well the obvious choice would be Tony & Audrina, but since the results show is jam-packed with filler tonight, we may not have time to clear the smoke monster out before the next act. Awww hell, we kinda screwed Sitch & Karina, and their set is easier to tear down…let’s go with them!”
Award for Most Shameful Cluelessness – Lacey Schwimmer, for not knowing the Eagles
Heidi: Who are the Eagles??? The EAGLES??? Lacey, you have NO fucking business “recording” a song. And your age is no excuse. If you are recording music, one would think you are passionate about music. If one were truly passionate about music, they would not be clueless on The Eagles!!
Courtney: I literally slapped my forehead and winced when those words passed her lips. And Lacey isn’t really recording music…she’s just singing along karaoke style, and then they’re auto-tuning the hell out of it in post-production I’m sorry, but “Red Cup” is just AWFUL.
Heidi: :::snerk::: I originally had a crack in there about auto tune but then I took it out. I called you my equally evil twin last week. It seems I was correct.
Courtney: Indeed, m’dear! Muahahahaha
The Cheesily Cute Couple of the Week Award – Rick Fox and Cheryl Burk for their package and mistakenly thinking they were safe when they weren’t.
Heidi: The two them were just totally cute when Cheryl responded to Rick with… “No, just trust” – I totally had a Yoda moment! “Trust me you must, young Jedi.” And then when the two of them realized they weren’t safe last night their response was just adorable. “Uhhh, shucks. Oops.” Hilarious.
Courtney: I’m beginning to think that Rick is not only the “pretty” guy in this competition…but also a bit vacant. I think when he’s at a loss for words, he just flashes those pearly whites and all is right in the world. I am ok with this
Heidi: Yeah, I really don’t see a problem with that at all. It’s better than Maks’ way of handling it which is getting a shovel and digging a big fucking hole (stay tuned for video of Maks saying shit that pisses me OFF – if Vogue doesn’t post it, I will. I advised her to do it because she would be NICER about it than I will be. )
Award for Most Passionate Pro (aka The Most “Wooden” Pro Award) – Derek Hough, for being entirely too involved in, and enjoying, his childhood fantasy of the hot teacher. (See above-do I need to draw you a map?)
Heidi: Humina, Humina…that’s all I got. Cigarette?
Courtney: I don’t know what you’re looking at, m’dear, but I must say I’m impressed with how HARD the choreography in that samba was. He’s clearly a FIRM believer in challenging his partner. And props to Jennifer for maintaining the perfect dance frame, not too STIFF, but also not all limp & flaccid. No one likes a flaccid frame And the stamina of these two! They kept it up through quite a LONG routine…ok, should I stop now?
Heidi: You said flaccid. That, m’dear, is a four-letter word, in this house.
Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Telling Kurt & Anna they had the highest score so far…when they actually got a point less than Jennifer & Derek
Courtney: Not sure if the lines she was being fed from the control booth got garbled, or her math was just off, but yah, Brooke…23 is less than 24. The best part is not actually Brooke, Kurt, or Anna’s reaction…if you watch Maks in the background, he gets a funny look on his face like “Wait a minute…that’s not right…” that is just priceless.
Heidi: Oh, now I’m going to have to watch it again cause I missed Maks’ reaction. Great. Garbled isn’t contagious through the TV is it??
Most Bizarre Prop: The picture of Tony in the Marine uniform
Courtney: I’m probably going to get hosed for this, but at first blush, I could have sworn I was looking at a picture of Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds. It was just a rather bizarre picture, and the “this picture was just taken backstage 10 minutes ago!” quality of it just made me chuckle.
Heidi: Courtney, you were supposed to be tearing up at the thought of this poor ceiling eyes…I mean, girl losing her husband and not being able to dance with him anymore. You mean to tell me that the smoke monster didn’t inspire sobs and hand wringing?? Heh. Me either.
Cheesiest Line O’ the Week: Mark Ballas & Val Chmerkovskiy’s exchange of “String it!” and “It’s already been strung!”
Courtney: Ugh…I’m not sure whether to blame the producers for that eyeroll-worthy exchange, or whether they came up with it themselves…but the subtle homage to Bring it On just made me cringe. Just get on with it, already!
Heidi: The melodrama over all was just making me cackle unattractively. I really, really hope that was all tongue in cheek cheesy but a part of me (yes a very evil part) fears that that was Mark’s “I’m acting dramatic” face.
Kiss of Death Award: The uncomfortably long kiss at the end of Flo & Corky’s waltz; (dis)honorable mention for the replay of Donny & Bruno’s kiss during Donny’s street bit
Courtney: I was reduced to an uncomfortable 12-year-old watching a movie with a love scene when I had to witness that smooch – I literally averted my eyes and went “GROSS!!!” No likey…no likey one bit! And then they just HAD to go and replay the video of Donny dipping Bruno over the judges table and laying one on him. Good grief, a year later that gag is still haunting me!
Heidi: For some reason, I had far less problem with the Donny-Bruno kiss than I did with Florky’s. Ick pooh. I believe my exact words were “GACK GACK!!” Which, you might realize, aren’t actual words but inarticulate noises.
Innuendo of the Week: Rick Fox referring to a wardrobe malfunction “at home”
Courtney: I think this may have gone over Brooke’s head, because she just kinda chuckled, but good ol’ Tom definitely raised an eyebrow and got a mischievous look in his eye. Looks like Cheryl’s little impromptu clothing removal on Rick may have gotten him some action later that evening MEOW!
Heidi: At least he waited till he got home. I’m lookin’ at you, Derek Hough. (pssst…feel free to GET UP to that sort of mischief every week, would ya? )
Courtney: Damn…nothing like a premature wardrobe malfunction to ruin one’s evening