We gotta lotta turf to cover this week and I have to figure out how to express myself in a PG fashion. It won’t be easy. I think it’s safe to say that this edition of the Cheesecake Awards was cooked with SOUR cream, if you know what I’m saying. We weren’t feelin’ it – just annoyed by the whole thing. You’ve been warned. On with the show…
Note: I am the one traveling this week so we may not get Dancing by the Numbers – I’m going to try to do it. We’ll see.
The “You’re New to this Show, aren’t you?” Award – Week 4: Oksana and her early stage entrance.
Heidi: Oh, if only she hadn’t done this she would have gotten through two whole shows with me not picking on her. When they pan the celebrities and pros right after they are announced and walk on to the dance floor, you can see Oksana clearly start to walk out on stage for her pro dance with Kiki…Kaka…Kiri…whatever his name is; she realizes the mistake immediately, turns around and starts shoving Kiki backstage – kinda like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube is what it seemed like too. Dude wasn’t moving easily. This is likely really the fault of the eye rolling stage manager dude in the black crew neck from last week – but it’s no fun to blame him.
Courtney: Great material for the DWTS Bloopers time-filling clip we’re bound to see later in the season. I’m sure crewneck-sporting stage guy was not only rolling his eyes at them, but snapping at them in hushed tones, like “WTF are you two knuckleheads doing???! Are you deliberately TRYING to ruin the show?! Get your freshman asses back here!!!” At least Oksana can use the old “English as a 2nd language” defense…that it was hard for her to translate what Tom was saying so that she clearly knew when to set foot onstage. Not sure about Kiki…he seems like he’s been stateside longer than Oksana…maybe he can translate for her?
The Award for Most Blatant and Annoying hypocrisy - Week 4: Len Goodman, for chastising Romeo for removing his jacket, but not saying a word about Dmitry ripping off Petra’s skirt; (dis)Honorable Mention: Carrie Ann Innaba, for ONLY calling Romeo out for what turned out to be a lift riddled night of dancing.
Heidi: Man oh man, that annoyed me – well, both of them. Frankly, Petra’s skirt rippage was way more gratuitous and cheesey than Romeo’s jacket removal, although neither were necessary. But man, Len – call both of them out or neither of them out. Petra was way more exposed than Romeo, too. As for Carrie Ann – geez woman!! Almost every dance had feet coming off the floor but you only call out Romeo?? Particularly annoying when his dance was better than some of those with higher scores.
Courtney: The official Courtney hypothesis on this disparity: Petra is a genital-magnet. For both sexes She wakes up the sleeping giant (or maybe not so giant…) in Len’s pants that has likely been hibernating for the past 20 years (save for some pharmaceutical assistance), and she makes Carrie Ann want to sing “Come to My Window”. Not that I can blame them – Petra is gorgeous, and an absolute sweetheart on top of that. So the resulting cognitive dissonance likely makes the two of them think that Petra is a far better dancer than she really is, by virtue of her looks & charm, and makes them conveniently “miss” certain missteps & cheesy gimmicks. As for Romeo – I feel like he might be getting punished for the sins of his father, god help him. Can’t think of any other reason why he’s become such a whipping boy for the judges – the kid really isn’t bad at all, and seems to really be trying. Perhaps the sight of the elder Miller has just scared the judges for life, to the point that they are blinded to decent dancing from any other member of his gene pool
Most hilarious, but Cheesey as Hell Special Effects Gimmick: EXPELLIARMUS Bruno with his blowing up of Len.
Heidi: These people have never seen Harry Potter have they? What they should have done is had Bruno wave his wand and all Len’s low numbered paddles go flying. Expelliarmus is a disarming spell, not an exploding one…unless you have a wand that is broken or….oh. Um. Never mind.
Courtney: I dunno, I wasn’t feeling the whole Harry Potter exchange between Len & Bruno – just felt forced and awkward. I sincerely doubt either of them has read all the books cover-to-cover and have seen all the movies ten times apiece…and those are the individuals that would likely pick up on the specific “spells” like this. But clearly Heidi is one of those individuals
The “Will You STFU Already?!?” Award For Rude and Unprofessional Behavior: Mark Ballas for yelling over his partner in disagreement while she was talking to the camera.
Heidi: Dude, that was quite the shocking display – and it’s a bad sign that your amature partner is smarter than you are when it comes to what you’re doing on the show. For those that don’t remember, I will recap: Chelsea, in their VT, was talking to the camera about how she knows they’re taking risks, yadda yadda and Mark is behind her a good 5 or so feet. He starts yelling while she’s talking “we’re not taking risks, we’re NOT taking risks” – dude, yelling at your partner when she’s not even talking to you is kinda risky. As is doing the worm for the camera while Chelsea stands there in the background. Take it outside, away from the cameras.
Courtney: Two words: ATTENTION WHORE. Strike that, 3 words – ARGUMENTATIVE ATTENTION WHORE. Mark has literally become the male version of Lacey – disinclined to play by the rules, mouthy, and with an affinity for bizarre costuming. Everything with him seems so “Me me me!” anymore – what HE wants in their routines, what HE wants to say to the cameras, what HE thinks about the judging – I’m just so OVER IT. Chelsea must either be a saint or a shrinking violet for putting up with his behavior. If I didn’t know better, I would almost think Mark is TRYING to get sent home early this season…likely so he can devote even more time to his music career. The Mark we see these days is a far cry from the Mark of the early days…the Mark who actually choreographed normal, judge-pleasing routines that really showcased his partners strengths. If he’s gunning hard for a 3rd MBT…he’s going about it COMPLETELY the wrong way. The fans may be on your side, Mark, but you need the judges too…
Celebrity Most Likely to be B*#ch-slapped By His/Her Pro Partner before they leave the show: Kendra Wilkinson for reasons too numerous to list.
Heidi: I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Louis or any other pro as mad at their partner as Louis was at Kendra the other night. If looks could kill. Of course, he then followed up on twitter with some nonsense about how he was glad they showed it, yadda yadda. :::rolls eyes:::
Courtney: Louis trying in vain to cover his ass in order to make everything between he & Kendra look like it’s all sunshine & rainbows. Kendra must have apologized and given him some sort of gift – maybe another purse puppy or some more ladies’ Pumas for his elf feet, who knows. I cannot believe some of the stuff that comes out of this girl’s mouth – saying she “doesn’t care” about elegance, blaming her period for her crappy performance, and taking a song about the heartbreak of separation and trying to make it about the Mafia??!! Wow….just…wow. Worst case of verbal diarrhea in DWTS history. If Louis doesn’t slap some sense into her by season’s end – I sure will. Or better yet, I propose a radical idea to TPTB: how bout a mid-season partner switch? Give Kendra to Mark and Chelsea to Louis. Kendra’s apathetic enough that she won’t resist or argue with Mark’s off-the-wall ideas, and Chelsea is good enough & willing enough to try and do well to satisfy Louis’ bravado. BRILLIANT!
The “WTF?” Costuming Choice of the Week: Kirstie Alley, for that crazy and not at all attractive dress.
Heidi: Note to Randall, do NOT let Kirstie take part in designing her own costumes. I love the woman, but that thing was BAD with a capital B. I even liked Mark’s better than that! And that’s saying something.
Courtney: The best thing I can liken it to is one of those generic genie costumes you see around Halloween time that has the mesh over the midriff for modesty’s sake. Although I can’t really figure out how a genie theme would fit in with the song they were given…isn’t it the same song from the Dove chocolate commercial? Maks would have been better off putting her in a chocolate-hued silk gown – the subliminal link to chocolate consumption and the euphoria that follows is a powerful weapon
The Award for Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance - Week 4: Len and Bruno, for raving over Hines then giving him 8′s
Heidi: What the hell, boys, did you realize after your raving that giving Hines those 8′s wouldn’t fit in with your strategy of having a new leader board topper?? I mean, if I didn’t know that you wrote the scores BEFORE you did your comments, I would think you’re on crack. Wait…you’re still on crack. Did you forget what you wrote down? What?
Courtney: Yeah…nothing really to add here. Just wish I had a buddy that worked for the DEA that I could send an anonymous tip to that there is some possible rampant drug use/trafficking going on at the DWTS set…
The Award for Most Obvious Backpedaling in a Single Week: Len Goodman, who apparently was told that Chelsea wasn’t getting the votes, judging by how he retracted all his previous comments about her performances.
Heidi: Was this not the most bizarre display we’ve seen in a good long while?? Tom gave him the chance to defend Chelsea and retract his previous remarks even before it was revealed who else was “in jeopardy” – the top of the show!! And since when do they do this? This whole thing was weird. Of course, now Mark is all vindicated in his “out the box” choreography – this brings about a very interesting situation. Will Len continue to criticize or will he be too afraid of a “shocking elimination”? Will Mark be defiant and continue to strive for “different” (because we all know that traditional, the way it’s been done VERY successfully for 11 seasons, is just horrible and boring :::rolls eyes::: ), or will he actually start to wonder if maybe he needs to dial it back a bit?? I can’t wait to see what happens next.
Courtney: I think all of the above are just going to end up leading to one big series of unfortunate events that is going to result in a shocking elimination – and the most likely candidate is going to be Chelsea & Mark. I would feel very bad for Chelsea if that happened, because none of it is really in her control; but it would be a nice, great big slice of humble pie for Mark…or maybe not. Knowing him, he’d probably cry foul about how the show discriminates against “fresh, new, YOUNG” ideas. Crap. I just don’t even wanna think about it…my head hurts now…
The “I am NOT DEFENSIVE, nope, not me, nuh uh, no siree!!” Award – Week 4: (Tie) Louis and Mark for their comments re: their choreography in that VT about old and tired choreography
Heidi: Okay, so they didn’t use old and tired, but gee, wasn’t that whole video an excuse for the show doing a whole bunch of weird ass themes and weird ass choreography this season? Then those two guys sure were acting defensive about using either difficult (Louis) or different (Mark) choreography – not so much what they said, but how they said it. Ya know, the other pros who are staying in the box have produced some beautiful dances this season and, Hello, Derek doesn’t go outside the box very often and when he does he OWNS it. Saying that all the same moves are boring and old and the audience has seen it all seems rather insulting to people like Derek (and Karina, Kym, Anna and Cheryl, et al.) who can use all the same moves but in different combinations and with a high degree of musicality to make them entertaining as hell. Case in Point: The 50′s Paso. That thing was chock full of the “same old” Paso moves but it was genius. Seems to me that Derek and others have proved on several occassions that you can use the same old moves and produce fantastic dances – Anna and Evan also spring to mind. Derek’s acoustic argentine tango with Jennifer was also brilliant. And didn’t Maks also produce some wonderful dances with Brandy? I don’t recall anything particularly risky. As for Louis – dude hasn’t figured out how far is too far to push Kendra. That girl danced on Monday night like she was being tortured trying to remember all the teachings. What is going on here? I don’t get it. Just because YOU’VE bought into this idea that Kendra can be pushed so high, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Scale it back, dude!
Courtney: “New & different” doesn’t always mean “better”, Louis & Mark. There’s a reason these steps have been around for years upon years – they work. And you can still incorporate them into routines with “newer” steps without looking ridiculous. Yeah…what Heidi said…sorry guys, just not feeling super-inspired this week Maybe I’m still mourning the loss of Sugar Ray and Anna, who knows…continue…
Award for Best DWTS Commentary by a Pro Not Dancing This season: Derek Hough for this -
Heidi: Okay, so I’m pimping my boy using MY video, get over it. Seriously though, loved the cracks on Mark, the Karate Kid pose – and note the freudian slip at the end of that video. He also mentioned that his favorite dances to choreograph are the Paso and Argentine Tango; there was actually a good bit of discussion on DWTS. Like how the producers like to tease him about who he’s getting, about how MOST people are “like a family” just like they say on the show, but occassionally there are a couple who are like that on TV but you get the feeling they might push you down the stairs at the rehearsal studio. He also discussed a bit about how costuming your celebrity should be (and is for him) part of the strategy, that what a given celeb is wearing is important to how the dance is viewed. He actually shared a good bit about the process – most of which we, here, know but was interesting to hear him actually say.
Courtney: Props. Cool video.
The Mafia Princess Award for Wacky Analogies and All Around TMI: Kendra Baskett, Mafia Mama and Notorious Over-Sharer
Heidi: What the f*@k was she talking about? Like all week? I’m kinda confused. You know, this s*^t ain’t funny. It’s just…just…kinda stupid. Even Len’s Soprano joke was lame as hell. And what kind of moron comes on this show and complains about ballroom dancing?? Ohhhh…probably the same chick who complains that she can’t understand why the judges keep talking about her boobs, yet the very next week comes down the stairs with Louis and the boobs are on serious display. Hey, I gots no problem with that, but don’t complain when people talk about it. You know what else? I so do NOT need to hear about her bodily functions as an excuse for executing a dance poorly. Just say you weren’t feeling it. And you know what else? It’s a pretty rare thing that someone comes on this show that you like and you end up NOT liking them!! Just sayin’!
Courtney: If a woman’s “monthly time” is a legitimate excuse for sucking at life, then I’m gonna start deliberately f-ing stuff up at work and blaming my hormones “Sorry I cost the company $10K with my accounting error, boss…but I was on my period!” *emphatic eyeroll* As for the Mafia waltz…*shaking my head*…I have no idea what kind of crack she was smoking when she thought of that one. Oh wait, I know – the same crack the judges have been on since week 2. Maybe the smoke from last week was laced with it. Even Louis looked absolutely befuddled by the notion that such a beautiful song of heartbreak could somehow be related to organized crime…but I can’t blame him for rolling with it, since it seems nary impossible to light a fire of excitement under Kendra’s ass these days. And as for the boobs – why get them done if you’re going to have a complex about people staring at them…especially since they always seem to be on display? Those boobs were in my face almost every week when she was on Girls Next Door – whether they were bare, covered with itty-bittle tassles, or peeking out through a thin shirt without the restictions of a bra, they were on near-constant display…so now I’m very confused. Talking about boobs while you’re on E! = kosher, talking about boobs while you’re on ABC = soooo not okay? Nothing with Kendra ever makes sense…*sigh*