Well, well, well…Heidi here. I’m afraid Courtney and I were very hit and run this week. While I am extremely grateful for my job, it actually had me working some nights and last weekend – and it’s sucked much of the creativity right out of me. In it’s place…well, just read me and Evaine’s commentary about half naked Derek and Maks. That’s just about all I can handle. In any case, I hope you enjoy the cheesecake. Courtney is on her way out of town so I will also be struggling to fill in on her Power Rankings too. Oy. On with the show….
Worst Prop of the Week: The smoke machine
Courtney: Seldom does smoke really “enhance” a performance on DWTS – a notable exception is Jonathan & Anna’s waltz to “Hallelujah” last season – so I don’t understand why some pros insist on using them. In Dmitry’s case, I think it was a clever ploy to conceal Petra’s subpar footwork – and it seemed to work, as Carrie Ann conveniently missed several lifts, and everyone raved about how great her waltz was, despite some rather shuffly feet. Not sure what Louis was thinking putting Kendra in a smoke cloud – we all see how well that panned out. She looked about half-baked as she manged to stumble out of it. And maybe the judges had a bit of a contact high as well when they scored her, which could explain her inflated scores. Thankfully, Tom has assured us that the smoke machine in question has since been relegated to the community theater circuit
Heidi: What was really funny was the “Oh my god” that you hear in the recap – Kendra freaking out. Which is why they were all laughing so hard when they cut back to the couples on the results show. Pretty hilarious. Kendra said she argued strenuously against the smoke machine and obviously lost. Which seems sucky. ALSO in the recap, you see a BLATANT lift by Dmitry and Petra – seriously blatant – and long. Kinda annoying. And the smoke wasn’t that strong – she wasn’t being eaten in like a horror movie where you could only see her from the waist up. Combine that with the TWO other lifts and I’d have to call Carrie Ann out for selective blindness.
Best Prop of the Week: Sugar Ray’s boxing announcer; honorable mention: Hines’ Terrible Towel
Courtney: Let’s face it: Ray ain’t the best dancer this season, and he probably isn’t going to last much longer. So I can’t really blame Anna for going the gimmicky route with his paso – the boxing gloves, the entrance, the punching bag…and quite possibly the most creative intro I’ve ever seen for a dance on the show: a boxing announcer, complete with drop-down microphone. I thought it was pretty damn cute. And I daresay Hines has managed to make the Terrible Towel trendy on the show – the audience is waving it, the judges are waving it…I’m half expecting the entire celebraquarium to be waving it by season-end. For those of you unfamiliar with what it is, it’s a yellow towel that Steelers fans wave at games. I used to hate it, since as a Colts fan I pretty much LOATHE the Steelers. A local bar I frequent is unofficially a Steelers fans bar, and there’s always a Terrible Towel up on the wall. The towel has been known to inexplicably jump into my purse after I’ve had a few drinks, and then commits suicide back at my house either in my fireplace or in the jaws of my Chow mix, Xena (see below). It’s really an interesting phenomenon Anywho…now I’m faced with a bad case of cognitive dissonance, since I hate the Steelers and I’m starting to LOVE Hines. *sigh* What’s a girl to do?
Heidi: See, this is why some pros get yelled at for “messin’ about” and some don’t. Some messin’ about is pretty creative – like this. Another example is when Derek and Jennifer played the piano in the opening of their accoustic Argentine tango - very creative. Not so creative? Dusting the judges table for half the song. Sitting in the audience on your ass. LOVED the announcer, and Tom stepping in with the correct dance. As for the terrible towel – I thought that was sweet of the judges to do that. You could tell by Hines face that he was surprised and happy to see that.
Costume Brain Fart Award: Louis Van Amstel, for Kendra’s rumba dress
Courtney: If Kendra’s rumba dress looked familiar, it’s because it was almost identical to the one Chelsie wore for her pro dance with Damian in season 10, and then again for her rumba demo with Dmitry last season. But I have to confess – I thought it looked much better on Chelsie. Not only the color, but the cut – I think Heidi remarked on Twitter that all of the bodysuit-based costumes this week seemed to be cut a little on the conservative side.
Heidi:Actually, I think I said that the bottoms look like granny panties.
The “I Can Tell You’re New to This Show” Award – Week 3: Tristan and Oksana
Heidi: Tristan, DUDE, get thee to the spray tan! I haven’t seen that much white skin since…well, since Ralph disrobed in his own bathroom. But he’s not a pro dancer AND that was funny. And also…I don’t need to see tongue in the Paso Doble. Not cool. Oksana – Mark Ballas’ facial expressions are OTT and not something to emulate. Just sayin’ – that will NOT help you be a better mail order bride, sweetheart.
Courtney: I have a feeling we’re going to be having a heydey with Oksana all season Very pretty girl, but an easy target – everything about her is just a bit too much. The voice. The facial expressions. The hair. The makeup. Definitely gunning hard for the green card As for Tristan – ok, I realize he’s trying to set himself apart as the “Irish lad” this season, but that doesn’t mean he has to look the part by being fair as the Emerald Isle! He was less Michael Flatley & more Casper the Friendly ghost out there. Side note: anyone else think it was a bit weird that they had Ted & Nicole dancing together and having to get up in each other’s face all kissy-like a couple of times? I know Derek has said that he’s had to rumba with Julianne in the past – awwwwwwkward – but it was never on the show. There’s 2 other chicks in the troupe…they couldn’t be bothered to stick Ted with Peta or Oksana? God I hope they separate those two in the future…because this show is gonna give me some serious Oedipal issues if not…
Heidi: Plus, the only time I remember actually seeing Derek dance rumba with Julianne was on tour when her original partner (or was it his??) was hurt – kinda funny, after the dance was over they couldn’t get away from each other fast enough. You know, it also occurs to me that that Oksana could borrow Tristan’s tongue action….THAT would help the the green card for sure.
Least TV Friendly Clothing Selection: Wendy William for those rehearsal shorts.
Heidi: Is she wearing a diaper?? That’s what goes through my brain every time they showed her rehearsal footage.
Courtney: Maybe she’s just SUCH a dedicated dancer that she doesn’t have time for bathroom breaks. HA! I think those damn rehearsal shorts were about the only thing on the show that Wendy was 100% committed to. The thing that got me is that she mentioned in a segment on her show that she loved looking the part of a “serious dancer” so much that she would wear her rehearsal clothes out to run errands and whatnot! I can only imagine the thoughts of onlookers…”Is she incontinent?” “Is she trying to conceal a bad case of camel toe?” “Is she one of those extreme gamers that doesn’t have time to use the bathroom?”
Heidi: More like, “Is she a crazy bag lady?”
Biggest BURN by a Celebrity – Female: Chelsea Kane for Outing Mark’s Request for False Eyelashes the Previous Week; Honorable Mention: Chelsea Kane for telling Mark he is a better girl than she is.
Heidi: I’m liking this girl more and more all the time. What more can I say that Chelsea didn’t?
Courtney: Mark is just a liiiiiiittle too comfortable gyrating around like a drag queen – guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, because Corky is pretty damn good at it, too. Someone should sign Mark up for RuPaul’s Drag Race, what with his fondness for false eyelashes and sassy dance moves. I can just picture him lip-synching to “Show Me Love” by Robin S. now…anywho, yeah, Chelsea calls it like she sees it, and I like that I’d also like to give my own personal “honorable mention” to Anna, who made the comment “I wouldn’t be able to keep up with Mark’s choreography!” before giggling heartily during the pros/celebs talk about the other pros/celebs time-killer during the results show. Even Anna seems to notice Mark’s spaztasticness. LIKE.
Heidi: Last season, Mark had a thing for eyeliner. LOTS of eyeliner, not just a little. Does this mean he’s graduated??
Biggest Production Screw Ups of the Week: The Camera Dudes; (dis)Honorable Mention: The Sound Dudes
Heidi: Lovely shot of the FLOOR during Chelsea and Mark’s dance…Oh, and I really liked when it looked like someone smacked a steady cam during One Republics performance so we got that drunken pan of the audience next to the stage. Problem is, I don’t think you dudes use a steadicam, do you? :::rolls eyes::: And you sound dudes? Turn the audience mikes DOWN and the Bergeron’s mike UP – Tommy often says things that I find very humorous. Brooke? She’s fine.
Courtney: Hell, I would just get rid of Brooke altogether…except then I wouldn’t have as much cheesecake material, since a lot of it stems from her obtuseness But yeah, looks like they’ve got the orangutans and Muppets manning the cameras and sound board again this year as a cost-cutting measure – either that or they’ve outsourced the grunt work to India, and they’re taking liberties with the “censoring” of the show…maybe there was a dance move they found objectionable in Chelsea & Mark’s routine and decided to avert the camera to spare us. You think the censors over here in the States are bad…ooh wee. Try watching a Bollywood flick. It’s Sesame Street compared to most American movies! Instead of kissing or anything suggestive, they break into song. I can only imagine what an episode of Dancing with the Stars: India would look like…
Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Later tonight, Len goes to the Wizard to get a heart.”
Heidi: WHY are all the good ones married? Seriously apropos line for the Berge, not to mention funny as hell.
Courtney: Yeah. Tom’s dreamy And Len still sucks.
Most Over Done Costuming Gimmick for the Week – Male: Dmitry Chaplin
Heidi: You know, if you whip your chest out all the time it stops being exciting OR sexy. Just sayin’. “Oh look, there’s Dmitry’s chest, it must be Dancing with the Stars.”
Courtney: He’s still holding out for a chest-off…and Tony & Maks aren’t taking the bait. Totally unfair fight…for Dmitry.
Best Brooke Distraction Technique of the Week: Kirstie Alley, for “You’re sooo pretty Brooke Burke” to get Brook off the fall topic
Heidi: Genius Kirstie has the ideal tactic – call the other female “so pretty” – she is forced to say thank you and laugh and then she’s out of time. Ta da!! LOL!!
Courtney: You know what I really love about Kirstie? She really GETS the show. I think she realizes that most of the banter that goes on during the show is complete crap, and unlike some of the other celebs, she’s learned to cleverly circumvent it…and she’s figured out early on that the path of least resistance is Brooke, who tends to fall apart if she drifts too far away from her canned dialogue, since her powers of improv are basically non-existent. Kirstie, if you keep poking Brooke with this metaphorical sharp stick, I will love you forever…it is my goal for you to get her completely tongue-tied by season’s end.
COOLEST Production Dude of the Week: Little Producer Dude in the Black Shirt During Petra’s Behind the Scenes
Heidi: Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that caught the blatant eye roll the producer (stage manager??) gave the camera after telling Petra to get out on stage (and, by extension, to STFU)!! It was HILARIOUS. His face totally said, “Get the F@#k out there already, would ya?” Poor Petra, she was all “gush gush gush” and dude wasn’t having it.
Courtney: Miserable little peon Nobody rolls their eyes at Saint Petra! Even you, self-important crewneck-wearing stage guy. No matter how much her philanthropic gushing in broken English may irk you. Kapeesh?
Most Bizarre Non-DWTS Costuming of the Week: Selena Gomez
Heidi: I spent most of her song thinking either she’d had a run-in with a mean guy on a lawn mower or she invited a bunch of school kids to make snowflakes out of the bottom of her dress for craft day. What the hell? It was pretty…but it was like Brooke’s satellight dish/Hepburn Hat dress. It was hard to focus on anything else.
Courtney: That whole performance was just odd to me. I wasn’t particularly floored by her singing, her outfit, the song, or Mark & Chelsie dancing…it was all just meh. But I’m sure Lacey would have loved to hack up that dress to make more crotch doilies.
Heidi: I’ll give her one thing – unlike SEVERAL “pop” tarts…I mean, stars I could name, she actually sings LIVE.