DWTS All Stars, Week 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!
Oooo…it’s getting super snarky in here. Hehehehe….
The Award for Pro Most Likely to Win the Role of Cinderella’s Ugly Step Sister: Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Heidi: Dude, seriously – you is one ugly woman. But as an androgynous man you ain’t half bad. 🙂 What was freaky was how UNLIKE himself he looked. Really, a shave and a wig and you’re nearly unrecognizable?? Amazing. 🙂
Courtney: I just have to laugh at the wig itself – that was SERIOUSLY the best Mick Jagger wig they could find? I’d find it more believable if Mick Jagger circa 1970 looked more like a cross between Jim Morrison & a mustache-less Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, with a smattering of the famous Farrah Fawcett hair flip in Charlie’s Angels. And the pants? Would make Austin Powers himself jealous. The end result was simultaneously hilarious and disturbing…in that Maks seemed to be enjoying himself just a teeny bit too much 😛
The “Google Is Your Friend” Award for General Cluelessness: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for not knowing what Androgynous means.
Heidi: Well, if it were ME and I didn’t know the meaning of the word that Kirstie was calling me all week long, I would: A) Realize that perhaps I needed a wee bit more education and B) GOOGLE IT. The embarrassing and hard way (but hilarious for the audience) to find out the answer to the question is on National Television. 🙂 Of course, you can’t know everything. But even a chimp can google. 😉
Courtney: You know who else can Google? Muppets. 😛
The Award for the Worst Wardrobe Idea Since the Lacey Crotch Doilie (heh): Sabrina, Louis and the Wardrobe Department for the PURPLE Crotch Window Treatment
Heidi: That entire costume was godawful, but I kept getting distracted by the material dangling…down there. It was just freakin’ weird! I was like, what the hell IS that?? Of course, the other issue was waiting with baited breath to see if the top half of her costume would hold up to the work out that her boobage was giving it. Ahem…more support is a GOOD idea.
Courtney: Her boobs were REALLY ANGRY this week, as Mama Spence put it. And each time she stomped or gesture wildly…it just looked painful. And the big triangular purple phallus just made me chuckle like a 14-year-old boy. Wonder if Louis was cranky because he was feeling inadequate by comparison 😛
Worst Song Lyric…Possibly EVER: “…the colorful lipstick that sticks to her lips…” By Frankie Moreno
Heidi: WHAT?? “sticks to her lips?” How…sexy. Um, not. Who wrote that piece of crap??
Courtney: I can tell you this much: if I buy lipstick and it doesn’t stick to my lips, I’m on makeupalley.com tearing that brand a new one. Maybe this is a revelation to Frankie Moreno (who I had never heard of prior to Tuesday night, mind you) – that a product called lipSTICK has the ability to adhere to one’s mouf. And teeth, if not applied carefully (ask Chelsie). And if that’s the case – I can understand why he’s primarily known for playing the piano at all sorts of wacky angles. Wonder what else he can do from all sorts of wacky angles…
The Award for the Confessional with the Most Natural (and Smokin’) Sexual Undertones: Kelly and Val
Heidi: Lord have mercy. She has this way of looking at him and then saying a very short sentence in a deeper breathy voice and I get the impression that they are on their way straight to hot monkey sex in her trailer. And just about all of their interactions are like that. “Oooo…you’re all sweaty…” It’s verging on Porn movie foreplay. 🙂
Courtney: I just have to say one thing: bow chicka wow wow. 😛
The Cute – in a good way – Award for Week 3: Melissa Rycroft for that behind the scenes exchange with Tom Bergeron about hugs and blaming him if everything goes south. Honorable Mention: Shawn Johnson, for the squeaky little “really??” when Len commented on how much he enjoyed their dance.
Heidi: Like I said last week, sometimes even I appreciate cute. Melissa is just so darn likeable and it’s obvious here. As for Shawn, she reverted to 15 or 16 there for a minute – I appreciate someone who knows they’re going to get docked for breaking rules but really hoping you liked her dance anyway. Just too cute.
Courtney: I find Melissa & Shawn to be the two most outwardly likeable female contestants this season. Both just seem to appreciate the opportunity to dance again and aren’t about to get their knickers in a twist over whether they win or not. Pretty sure Gilles has the monopoly on the “knickers in a twist” title this season…and that’s saying something, considering Bristol had a pretty formidable tantrum this past week. But I digress 🙂 I’m hoping both stick around awhile and give us more warm fuzzies like this…to take the edge off of whatever nonsense Gilles & Bristol throw our way!
The Cute – in a BAD way – Award for Week 3: Brooke Burke (and TPTB) for her delivery of the bad news to Drew and Anna in that new format.
Heidi: That whole format change I thought was kinda bad, but mainly I think it was bad because Brooke doesn’t have the flair or the genuineness of Tom. She just came off as so cutesy when she told Drew that he was in jeopardy. Cutesy and fake. Perhaps that was due to her being afraid she would screw it up, but dang – I found myself quite annoyed by that whole thing.
Courtney: “Tee hee, you’re in jeopardy. LOLZ!!!”
Heidi: EXACTLY
Biggest Mystery of Week 3: Who was Apolo imitating with that creepy “Should we do something different…” Bit in the BTS footage prior to being called safe.
Heidi: What the hell was that? I can’t say I think it was the best idea, whatever it was. 🙂 If it had been done in a french accent, I think we would all know – and maybe that was supposed to be a French accent… 🙂
Courtney: I don’t even think he was aiming for a particular accent – I think he was just trying to convey “douchebag”, and I think he was successful…because I’m fairly certain that was jab at Gilles the Pill. 😛 Only I don’t think Apolo knew the camera was rolling, or didn’t think the footage would get used – or else he would have done something far more subtle and clever, such as he did in their rehearsal package when describing how he was going to “emulate Gilles’ sexiness” and “touch his sexy manboobs” (see below photo :-P). Either way…Apolo’s got my vote. I respect anyone with the cojones to call Gilles out on his bullsh*t at this point 😛
The WINNER of the “Pick a Dance for your Competition” Game: Mark Ballas for Whispering “Bollywood” to Bristol
Heidi: That was GREAT. Well done, Mark. 🙂 Loved it. He knew what he was doing. I think he gave one of the front runners the worst choice (for Gilles) while making sure that he and Bristol didn’t have to do it either.
Courtney: Mark scored all sorts of brownie points with me this past week 😎 First, he maintained a cool head and a calm demeanor in the face of Bristol’s tantrum (and trust me kids, the unedited version would have made Mark looks even better – and Bristol look even worse!). Then, without missing a beat, and with the perfect self-satisfied smirk on his face (and one from Bristol to match), he slaps Gilles in the face with the worst dance on the list. You see, kids, this was extra amusing to Heidi & myself, since we had heard some behind-the-scenes murmurings that Mark (like many of the cast members, I assume) is none too fond of Mr. Marini – something about a stolen massage table and Gilles’ claim that he’s “not a dancer”. So I think I vicariously lived through Mark exacting revenge on Gilles for his general douchebagginess thus far this season. Remember, Gilles: karma’s a bitch. A jealous, vengeful, evil bitch 😉 And we salute you for revenge well-served, Markie! 😀
The LOSER, Yet Still a Winner of the “Pick a Dance for your Competition” Game: Melissa Rycroft for giving Apolo Hip Hop (hello, his freestyle?) Yet Still Managing to get a Good Dance for Herself
Heidi: Girl…not good. Even Brooke was clued into the fact that giving Apolo (the guy who will likely win this thing) a dance he’s already done and very well, was probably not a great idea. Seriously, you couldn’t pick Contemporary?? I can’t see him being terribly good at that. But at least you got a perfect dance for yourself. 🙂
Courtney: I just thought it was adorably clueless of Melissa to triumphantly say “Hip-hop!” with a grin, expecting Apolo & Karina to collapse in dread & frustration…only to have them screeching with joy, and Melissa left shocked & dismayed. 😛 But God love her, she was one of the few that I felt didn’t have any sort of ill intent in picking a dance for one of her competitors – I honestly think she just really didn’t want hip-hop, and thus it made perfect sense in her head to give it to someone else before someone else could give it to her. And God bless Tony, too, for not trying to get all underhanded about it (you listening, Louis?) – he was just like “Ok, whatever you want!” It was actually a little refreshing to see a couple not trying like hell to screw over the competition – even if that was really the object of the game 😛 And in turn, I think Apolo may have gone a little easy on Melissa – a truly sinister choice would have been to stick them with contemporary (which I don’t think anyone in the cast, save for Mark & Derek, could handle well)…but instead, he gave them jitterbug, which is pretty similar to a dance Melissa has already done & done well. I like to think he was responding in kind to Melissa sticking him with something he’d be good at, but maybe he just didn’t have a clue what the hell jitterbug was 😛 I just kind of loved the whole “pick your competitor’s dance!” scenario altogether, as it gave us the most beautiful screen shots, which often betrayed a couple’s true intent…mwahahahahahah 😉
Heidi: I actually really enjoyed it as well, for the reasons you said. It just felt REAL. Much more real than the rest of the show.
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “For once, I don’t feel like the whitest guy in the room!” – referring to Emma & Oksana painted completely white to play statues in Apolo & Karina’s foxtrot
Courtney: This award could also double as the “best method of torturing a troupe member” award, as I don’t think there is any greater punishment then making a troupe member stand perfectly still and not look at the camera or do anything to attract attention themselves and perhaps increase their already-slim chances of getting promoted to full-time pro next season 😛 But leave it to Tommy B. to make us chuckle at his Caucasian-ness…and take a bit of a jab at the hapless troupe. 😛
Heidi: Not only did they have to stand perfectly still and not mug for the camera, you also couldn’t really tell who was who. And Oksana was like freakin’ Sampson sans hair to whip around. 🙂 Good old Tom – he also had two rather large errors this week, but I blame TPTB and their messing around with the “safe/jeopardy” script. 🙂
Diva O’ the Week Award: Gilles Marini, for his convoluted, backasswards reasoning for not wanting to do another couple’s routine; (dis)honorable mention for the donkey in Emmitt’s paso doble, for refusing to go onstage
Courtney: Ai ai ai…what can I say about Gilles that hasn’t already been said? He just came across as the fussiest, most arrogant, most difficult-to-work-with guy in his long-winded (and quite frankly, bizarre) reasoning about not wanting to copy a current contestant’s routine “out of respect for them”. He then proceeded to pick a routine that he admitted he just liked the music for, and by extension implied that he didn’t necessarily find the routine iconic – I’m sure Maks really appreciated that. Just like I’m sure Gilles’ cock-eyed reasoning about not doing a current contestant’s routine made Apolo feel just PEACHY about picking Gilles’ foxtrot to recreate. I could go on & on, but in short – Gilles sucks. 😛 And don’t even get me started on that damn donkey…so unprofessional. They hire you to do one thing, donkey: to go onstage and stand there. And your huge ego can’t even manage to do a simple task like that without a bunch of kicking & screaming – er, bucking and whinnying. Get over yourself, donkey…you’re not THAT cool. 😛
Heidi: Heh. An award about a donkey…and an ass. Feels a bit redundant. 😀 Oh, I kill myself. Anyway, Gilles is the king of douch baggery. Douche-ness. Whatever. When your pro is sitting next to you in the confessional with her head in her hands?? Bad sign. I have this vision of Gilles going on for about himself for about 15 minutes, while a line of other dancers forms outside the confessional. Meanwhile, Peta pulls out a knife and opens a vein. ::rolls eyes::
Porno Gif of the Week!!
Court: Special thanks to reader Karen for sending me this most enjoyable porno gif(t) via email…it was very much appreciated not only for saving Heidi & I precious time in a week where we’re 1 (wo)man down, but also for the general porniness of it 😉
Heidi: If it looks a tiny bit different than what you sent, I apologize – I had to redo it because I couldn’t use it in it’s original form. Need an embed code. Or someone to teach me how to paste it so it works right. 🙂 But thanks for the idea. 🙂
Disgusting GIF of the week. 😉
LOL!! Hilarious as always! Is it bad that I got the last gif like instantly? 🙂
best cheesecake of the season so far, totally agree.
I never thought about possible reasons of Mark picking Bollywood for Gilles until now, GO MARK.
And Sabrina’s dress, ugliest thing ever, that fabric hanging was just weird.
Yeah, it’s a little bad. 🙂
Loved it! I’m crying from laughing so hard.
Mighty delicious cheesecake ladies! Well done.
It’s so sad that the one person who I felt had to be included in “All Stars” was Gilles. What the hell happened to this guy? Nothing like he was in season 8. Did he suffer some head trauma that changed his personality to his evil twin? Now, I don’t know who I want out first. BP,SB,GM I think we can keep Kirstie. Love her attitude, but she can be after those 3.
Thanks God, I did not drink too much water recently, otherwise it could be catastrophic for my new sofa. Well done girls.
What a lovely Sunday dessert. The porno gif is spot on.
Dang that was pretty funny!
I almost keeled over at Sabrina’s ‘angry boobs’ and brooke’s elimination delivery!
oh and kelly and val…what can i say, idk if its even intentional anymore, even the most innocent things they say are ridiculously tension filled.
I must say, and I don’t normally comment on the cheesecake, that the first picture and caption of Melissa and Maks had me cracking up. That was pretty awesome.
Loved the pic of the couples choosing the dances too. That was one of my favorite things DWTS has done in a long time. I rewatched the results show today just so I could see that segment again.
The “pick your competition’s dance” was pure GENIUS…and comedic gold 🙂
Glad everyone is enjoying this late-Sunday night snack 😉
Loved it, loved it, LOVED IT!!!! 😀 You ladies are GREAT! I agree wholeheartedly – Gilles has actually found a way to surpass Jaleel White in douchebaggery, even without an ass-grab in front of 20-some-odd million people… 😛
Between Gilles & Bristol, I’m actually thinking about DVRing DWTS and not watching live – at least that way, I can fast-forward through those two.
This is the Best kind of Cheesecake…. No calories and still puts a big smile on my face. 🙂
So Apolo and Karina are this weeks Porno GIF again… These two are setting off some fireworks this season. HOT!
OMG! Marky Mark is totally earning points with me too! And that’s saying a lot about Gilles. OMG Ladies, as always you hit the nail on the head and then some! YES! YES! YES! The “Screw Over Your Competition” segment was brilliant. LOVED IT!
Ladies, you are such fantastic writers! You’re so witty and creative! The Cheesecake Awards are awesome. Constant laughing from start to finish.
OMG, you ladies are awesome! With special thanks to Karen for the porno gif! I fell in love with it instantly! LOL
I though I heard Karina say “charleston” to Apolo when deciding what to give Melissa. I was like “YES! GIVE HER THE CHARLESTON!” And I don’t mean that with any ill intent. I genuinely love the Charleston and as Melissa & Tony are one of my favorite couples, I wanted to see them do the dance that I had been eyeing on the list. However, the Jitterbug is a perfectly acceptable dance in terms of Melissa having done the Lindy Hop.
Thanks a million for the laughs! I agree with every hilarious comment you made.
GREAT, as always!!! 😀 I really don’t know how you gals pick your material with all the cheesy goodness this show provides…but you always choose well. “The colorful lipstick that sticks to her lips”…cracked me up! 🙂 Thanks for the Sunday snark!
Man, it just keeps getting more ridiculous with Gilles. I didn’t think that Apolo might have been imitating him, but you’re probably right! I doubt he thought redoing Gilles’ dance would get that reaction.
Shawn’s “really?” was CUTE! She seems to be showing more personality this time and I like it!
Ladies, ladies – awesome as usual. Loved the Markie bit – so true!
The gif is so great.
As usual you brought laughter into my evening – thank you for that and all you do.
HAHAHAHA!!! There is nothing I can really add. Well freakin done Heidi and Court. 🙂
Total hilarity start to finish – loved it!
Cheesecake!!! Thanks ladies…
love it…especially the Apolo and Karina gif !!!
LOL, thanks as always for making me smile. Can’t wait until next week’s awards.
That was some good cheesecake.
Great cheesecake ladies! Can’t wait until the next one 🙂
What a fun way to start the day! Thank you Courtney and Heidi!
The last two gifs made my day! SO agree about Sabrina’s costume! My hubby cracks up because I always squeal in delight when I discover The Cheesecake Awards are up! Thank you!
Mwahaha…the cai gif thingy was hilarious…thanks for the morning laugh!
Fab-u-lous! The only thing better than cheesecake on Sunday is cheesecake at work on Monday when you really need a good laugh! Of course, I made sure no one was around first and muffled my guffaws. 😉
Can’t even begin to pick a favorite, but I love the photo guide to screwing the competition, and oh gawd, the CAI gif — ROFL — I didn’t need to think about it at all 😛
Yum! Cheesecake! Fabulous way to start the week. Thank you ladies! And thank you for having Apolo be the porn .gif again =D
Fun read all the way through. You ladies just get better and better…Agree about Sabrina’s costume…my sister-in-law said she looked like she had a uni-boob. Not flattering for someone with a large chest. 🙂
Uni-boob??? Bwahaha… :::Heidi writes uni-boob on Cheese notepad:::
Oh, this was SO funny!!! I had my laugh for the day. I too didn’t recognize Maks at first. I thought it was another person on the show. Sabrina’s dress was really bad and didn’t offer enough support on top. Also love watching and listening to Val and Kelly–so sexy and they might not even be tryiing to be but everything they say and even when they look at each other WOW! I know you can’t tell us but it would be entertaining to hear about BP’s little fit. Shawn Johnson seems like a really nice person. Can’t wait for the show tonight. Thanks again for the great Cheesecake!
I agree with a lot you guys; funny remarks this week – even more so than usual. I especially cannot agree more with you guys over Gilles’ “doucheness” – I am so proud of Mark for being “evil” with his revenge plot against Gilles this past week. Gilles got what he asked for!
I’ve never seen anyone look so different as Maks. I would not have recognized him!! I remember they interviewed Gilles when they had the 200th episode and he had that same whiny attitude. He made some comments about some having dance experience and how he had never danced. Gilles and Sabrina just come across as desperate and it is not becoming at all. I know Brandy was a good dancer but what I remember most about her was how desperate she was to win.That is very off putting. Bristol knows that everyone (except maybe Kirstie) can dance circles around her. I didn’t vote for her, but I felt that people were unfair to her in season 11.She comes across as petty and childish now very unlikeable. I am enjoying this season as a whole though!
Sabrina versus Shawn. One. Shawn likely has better fan base and she is maturing as a woman. Two. I think Derek can better showcase a partner and be creative. In my sparse dance expertise, everything Louis does seems to look the same?
Imagine the Russian trying to spell the word ‘androgynous’ – maybe he did try to look it up but couldn’t spell it! Now I think about it, people hardly use that word anymore since ‘metrosexual’ came into the lexicon.
Sorry, no – that excuse doesn’t fly any more. The man has been in the US for what? 20 years??
And metrosexual and androgynous aren’t even close to being the same thing. Not at all.
Anybody with me thinking Maks looked just like Don Dokken in that outfit/makeup?
It doesn’t show so much in this pic of Max, but my husband pointed out that he looked like Bruce Jennner used to look with that wig on. Bruce’s hair wasn’t that thick, but was same style.
Sorry, Maks, I worked 12 hours today and am loopy after laughing.
THAT was hilarious! Especially loved the bit about Apolo and Gilles