Dancing with the Stars 19, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Well, lookie here…for one week, at least, Courtney and I are in a “mood”. Duck and cover, and sensitive readers beware – we spare almost no one, most of the time.

Why I want to do dancing with the stars: What the Women were REALLY Saying:
Janel: Cuz I’m Hawaiian and mama needs a showmance.
Sadie: They won’t let me dance in Louisiana and religious girls don’t suckโ€ฆat dancing.
Lolo: They let me dance but I sucked real bad. And that gave me a sad.
Lea: I danced great but ballet man said I was short and plain. Suck it, Misha.
Bethany: People were mean to me and now they can suck it.
Betsy: I can do the splits better then any of these young chicks; in my head I’m a Rockette.

Why I want to do dancing with the stars: What the Men were REALLY Saying:
Alfonso: Because there’s more glitter than on the biggest loser.
Tommy: The wife is more impressed by amazing dance moves than smoke clouds from the weed.
Tavis: I’m not serious! Blah blah blah gravitas blah blah blah gravitas blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah dammit. :::zzzzz:::
Antonio: I wanted to revive my career for years, and this is just the show to do it.
Jonathan: I miss my dad.
Randy: Fighters are people too. Agree with me or I kill you.
Michael: Bill Engvall got to dance with hot chicks. I can dance with hot chicks too.

Biggest missed opportunity for Tom Bergeron: saying the line “We’re going to hear from the men and find out why they wanted more ballroomโ€ฆ In their lives.”

Heidi: He totally paused after the word “ballroom”!!! On purpose, or was it Freudian?? Or is this a case of me hearing the joke about ball room from Derek more than once? Or am I just a pervert? ๐Ÿ™‚

Courtney: Are you kidding? It was totally on purpose ๐Ÿ˜› Tom thinks on his feet better than any other tv host I know – nothing he does is accidental.ย  He’s like the Bobby Fischer of live television innuendo.

The “Rob Wade is a GENIUS” Award: For letting us see Derek Hough’s casting video.

Heidi: Thanks, dude. That was like the best, funniest thing ever (except to Derek, maybe). Now do it again – I want to see Tony, Karina, Cheryl and Mark. ๐Ÿ˜€ And while you’re at it, if you’re going to do the switch up again, it would be nice if you actually thought it out and then counted ALL the votes.

Courtney: I think they should pull out some of the pros’ old competition vids, too – I can think of a few showdances that Tony would probably cringe to see rehashed on national television, and I remember Cheryl had some pretty bad competition hair & makeup.ย  And there’s prepubescent Mark, and pre-rhinoplasty Karina, who was constantly having to deal with the dancefloor bravado of Paul, Louis, & Slavik.ย  Yep…let’s Twitter vote THAT sh*t, Rob. ๐Ÿ™‚

The “Rob Wade is a Douche” Award: For axing the British voice telling us what the couple is dancing, and the opening theme.

Heidi: Well, it can’t be all good. ๐Ÿ™‚ And what’s the fun of this post with out a bit of schizophrenia? Seriously, I like that British voiced dude! He couldn’t have been that expensive!

Courtney: Do we for sure know that the voice has been permanently axed? If we pitch a big enough fit here at Pure (*waves at Rob and Co., who are undoubtedly lurking for the fanf*ckingtastic ideas we give them…free of charge*), who knows – it might come back.ย  Either that or I will use my newfound powers of witchcraft to influence the choices they may…anybody got any chicken bones? Eye of newt? Cause me, Heidi, & Vogue are a coven, y’all.ย  A Maks fan told us so. ๐Ÿ™‚

Heidi: A coven with bitchin’ cocktails, of course. And a live band on Saturdays. Bitches be jellus. ๐Ÿ˜€

The Man Behind the Curtain Award for Lack of Subtlety: The Video Montage Editor Who did the Opening Credits

Heidi: Really dude? Out of all the stuff you have to show from opening night we get two audience members gushing over Alfonso (warranted), two friends of Janel gushing over her and Val, and a bit from Janel and Val in the sky box talking about their showmance? Gag me. And all this after the hints from night one, including a tweet hoping for a showmance. I swear, you people are 15 year old girls at heart. At least you threw in bits about Bethany, Tommy and Sadie. But please quit trying to make Vajanel happen! To make matters worse, one of the Janel bits was from DanicaNotADancer bitching about Janel’s scores. Who you trying to convince here? Us or the judges? Or both?

Courtney: Poor Danicanotadancer – still being used as a pawn in the Chmercocky faction’s political machinations.ย  But yeah – that montage was RIDICULOUSLY Vajanel-heavy.ย  To the point where I’m tempted to call her Janelnotashowmancer, because like Danicanotadancer last season, who fought tooth-and-nail to make people believe she didn’t have dance experience, Janelnotashowmancer is trying like hell to make us believe that she and Val have fallen madly into love in just a few weeks – but she still has a bf, y’all. But only when people are calling her out on the showmancing.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚ Just fuggin’ DANCE, you nincompoops.ย  So far, that strategy seems to be working for Alfonso…and Lea…and Sadie…and Bethany…and Randy…the list goes on.ย  Just say no to showmances, kids.

Things That Make You Go “Hmmmmm….”, Week 1: The Complete and Total Absence of Meryl and Maks from any and all packages

Heidi: Despite what I say above about them being transparent as hell, ya have to wonder why they didn’t placate last season’s shippermanics. Sure, we saw them if we looked hard – but you had to look hard and they weren’t included in any of the Results show videos (not that I missed them, I said a silent prayer of thanks at their absence). Did the producers think the Janel ravings were better from her friends and Val’s ex-partner? Or are they trying to FORCE people to move on to this season’s showmance by ignoring last season’s? Here’s a thought…FOCUS ON DANCING. Or in Janel’s case, mugging.

Courtney:ย I think Rob & Co. have quickly learned that Maksyl fans are not necessarily the breed of fOkan that they want to appease –ย  they’re volatile, persistent, and have a one-track mind.ย  They will (allegedly) only watch if Maks & Meryl are allowed to reenter the competition, are given the encore every week, are given their very own two-hour holiday special, and are given a Bachelor/Bachelorette-style televised wedding special.ย  And yet, they all seem to know exactly what is going on at the show, as it happens, despite their “boycott”.ย  Methinks a certain shipper group has got more than a few screws loose ๐Ÿ˜‰ But yeah – with as much of a dog and pony show as last season was, with regards to that showmance…you’d thinkย  they’d at least capitalize on it just a tad.ย  But then again, as you say, Heidi – maybe Vajanel is the new Maksyl, and they simply can’t afford to have anything distracting from the over-the-top love affair that is Vajanel.

Most Adorable (If Not Slightly Creepy) Bromance: Michael Waltrip, for fanboying over Bill Engvall’s storied DWTS run whenever he can

Courtney: Ok, I think it’s kind of cute how much Mike talks about Bill’s run on DWTS a year ago and how he wants to go all the way like Bill.ย  He’s got Emma (check), he’s an adorably bad but very enthusiastic dancer (check), he’s got a slightly bawdy sense of self-deprecating humor (check), and he’s got a bit of southern charm (check).ย  Sure, it can seem a bit stan-ish, but considering that Bill is one of my favorite contestants on the show ever, I can think of worse individuals for Mike to emulate…*cough*ALL-STAR GILLES*cough**cough*JALEEL*cough*cough*…

Heidi: Hell, he’s even got the Julianne “I wanna dance with you cuz you’re like my Dad” vibe going on like Bill did. We gotta love Michael. And really, he and Bill are a match made in heaven. When you look at a certain screencap, below, can there be any doubt that Bill and Michael are cut from the same cloth?


Jonathan Liz

Keo Lolo Mark Sadie

Michael Cheech

Tommy gotz an itch