DWTS12 Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi here! You know, for a week that was pretty horrible in terms of themes and music, the Cheesecake wasn’t as sour as I expected. Still not as much funny as the show could provide, but what can you do? For all the griping I read on twitter, it could be far, FAR worse. 🙂

I haven’t told any of my cohorts in crime this yet, but I am going out of town once again on Tuesday and will be back on Thursday evening. It should not affect Dancing by the Numbers, but it will once again push the Cheesecake Awards to Saturday at the earliest, mainly because chances are good that I won’t see the results show until I get home – and that’s where most of the cheese is. 🙂 Ah well, on with the show.

Most Likely to Get Slapped with a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit by Season’s End: Len & Bruno

Courtney: Len has pretty much cemented his reputation as the “creepy old guy” with such comments as “Cheryl’s showing off the Rocky Mountains!” (to which Cheryl replied “I feel violated”), and “Yum yum, what a bum!” with regards to Chelsea’s hindquarters.  There’s been many more in previous shows this season – wish I could remember them all and then parlay it into some class action lawsuit on behalf of the cast 😛 And we all know Bruno’s man parts do all the thinking for him – this week he ordered Ralph to “give him sex” and inquired about booking Maks as a private dancer, reassuring Maks he “could afford” his expensive price tag.  Um, yuck. At least Ralph had a good comeback for Bruno’s questioning of his “fire down below”: “I have 2 kids to show for my ‘fire down below’.  What about you, Bruno?” Ahhhh…touche, Daniel-san 🙂

Heidi: You know, I don’t even know what to make of Len’s behavior – all that from a guy who acts so disapproving towards Bruno. What is wrong with him? As for Bruno – well, for some reason I don’t have a negative reaction when he says what he says. At the risk of being ageist, I would say it could be that he’s just younger than Len, but I think it has much more to do with delivery. Let’s face it, Bruno is over the top ALL the time, it’s not a shock or a surprise from him. And you KNOW it’s a crazy “I am BRUNO” act. You can’t take that stuff seriously from him. Len, on the other hand, is serious SO much of the time that when he tries to emulate Bruno it tends to just gross one out. Speaking of…

Best Pro Line O’the Night: Cheryl Burke – “I feel violated”

Heidi: You go girl, being funny and giving an appropriate response all in one fell swoop. Len was out of line in a big way. I give her props for her reactions – yeah, it was funny but from the way she immediately covered her chest, I think she was uncomfortable as well.

Courtney: Where’s sexual harassment panda when you need him?

The “Errr…nobody saw that, did they?” Award: Cheryl, for almost falling over in the Red Room prior to her Viennese waltz with Chris; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey falling down during the pro dance to “Should’ve Been a Cowboy”, Chelsie for losing her bra during practice, & Hines for farting on Kym

Courtney: Our celebs and pros managed to turn the art of bloopers into a full-time job this week – and who can blame them, during a week that just flat-out sucked? 🙂 Some of you may or may not have caught it, but during the clip of Chris & Cheryl in the red room before their V. waltz, when Chris is talking about how he’ll “go crazy” (said a la Regis Philbin) if Len doesn’t give him an 8, Cheryl can be seen in the background practicing their routine.  She goes to do a ronde, loses her balance, and almost falls down.  She looks up at the camera & gets a sheepish look on her face, as if to say “You didn’t get that, did you?” The whole thing is rather adorable, really 🙂 And for those who didn’t catch it, Lacey just kinda fell on her butt during the Toby Keith performance. I know everyone on Twitter was blaming Maks & his “bum leg”, but I watched this one several times and it’s actually Lacey’s fault – she swings too wide when she turns to go through Maks’ legs, and as a result she falls on her butt and trips up Maks.  Another instance when there was an expression of “Maybe no one saw that…” that crept across their faces before they kept going.  Poor Chelsie – the quickstep is just not conducive to the wearing of adhesive bras (yes, per Chelsie’s Twitter it was a “sticky bra”, and not padding like everyone else is claiming).  Romeo looked like he had just seen a Yeti or something.  And Hines – take Beano before practice and there will be-no gas…don’t you watch the commercials, dude? 🙂

Heidi: People were blaming Maks for that?? It was clearly Lacey’s fault – Maks saved her ass (pardon the expression) by grabbing her and throwing her back into where she needed to be for the dance. Then they had the very awkward dismount from their final pose – are these two just not in sync or what?? As for Cheryl – you are right, that was adorable. The look on her face was priceless… “you guys were not looking at me, right?” You could almost hear a “ayuk ayuk” type goofy laugh just looking at her face. 🙂

Courtney: Yeah, ever since “the fall heard ’round the world” during he & Kirstie’s rumba, everyone all of a sudden blames Maks’ leg for everything.  All sorts of tweets of “OMG! Maks needs to have that leg looked at!” and “He has no business dancing injured like that! He could hurt someone!” I’m guessing it was Lacey fans that didn’t want to believe she had fouled up.  Anywho, Maks is clearly fine, and Lacey is human, folks. 

DWTS Celebrity Trend O’ the Week: Thwarting Brooke‘s stupid questions with nonsense

Courtney: I have to credit the divine Miss Kirstie Alley for starting this trend – she’s been doing it since week 1, but it looks like the other couples have caught on to its effectiveness and have started doing it as well, which has resulted in absolute hilarity and one very confused hostess 🙂 Whether it’s Romeo dodging a dumb question about his biggest competition by threatening to tamper with Hines’ toothpaste, or Chris commenting on Romeo’s accent instead of answering his question, or Petra musing about Maks’ “sex on a stick” monologue – it all resulted in Brooke laughing uncomfortably and not quite sure what to do 🙂 LOVE.

Heidi: I think Kirstie has been giving lessons, like Ms. Myagi or some such thing. “You too can distract Brooke, Daniel-san…”

Personality 180 Award: Romeo

Courtney: 2 weeks ago the boy was throwing a fit about hating dancing shoes, and now he’s merrily jumping around the dance floor like Jiminy Cricket and pulling faces like Mark 🙂 Good to see him move out of the shadow of his dad, the stick in the mud, and finally enjoy himself out on the floor!

Heidi: That was, IMO, the dance of the night. Awesome – and you can’t tell me that he hasn’t embraced all of “the ballroom”. Dude was having fun and you can’t fake that.

Most Lackadaisical Performance: Toby Keith singing “Should’ve Been a Cowboy” accompanied by Maks, Lacey, & the DWTS Troupe

Courtney: Was it just me, or did pretty much everyone involved in this number seem like it pained them to be there? Toby looked like he would have rather been getting a root canal than performing on the show, and all of the dancers seemed a bit ho-hum about the whole thing.  Then again, it is a bit hard to imagine what it’s like to be a cowboy if you grew up behind the Iron Curtain…

Heidi: I despise Toby Keith with a passion reserved typically for Benji Schwimmer and Ann Coulter. Not that any of those three have anything in common…well, Ann and Toby do as they are both Republican men….I mean, people. Heh. BUT, besides that – Ick. Not a fan. I think lackadaisical is his usual performance style, although I can’t be sure. Besides Toby and Lacey, though, were there any natural born Americans dancing?? It might be hard to see the appeal of the whole “country” thing if you didn’t grow up around it. Well, hell, it’s hard for me to see it and I *DID* grow up here. So I get them. 🙂

 Best Celebrity Cameo on the show, EVER: John Travolta, aka the “Dance Doctor”

Courtney: “American Night” was in dire need of saving by the time Kirstie’s former co-star & Scientology bff showed up to save the day.  God bless Travolta – even this piddly little impromptu blurb for DWTS shows just what a good actor he is.  He just walked into the frame like it was no big deal, and dude didn’t miss a beat – as if to say “Yeah, I’m J-Trav, I’m way too famous for this show but I’m gonna show up anyway and thrill you all.  Capeesh?” And God bless Kirstie for making it happen – I think she is probably the only celeb in DWTS history with enough clout to bring in a celebrity guest as big as John. 

Heidi: I dunno, I think Jennifer Grey brought in Michael J. Fox and he’s a pretty iconic character – maybe moreso than Travolta, particularly now with all his work re: Parkinson’s. That said…Travolta is a gem. So hilarious – seriously brightening up a relatively disastrous performance show.

Brooke Burke Flub o’ the Week: “Choreographer”

Courtney: I can’t decide if the teleprompter was stuck or she was just so frazzled by the nonsense going on around her, but Brooke just couldn’t manage to spit this word out…much to Tom’s delight. 🙂

Heidi: Her Hard Drive was acting up. Or it was a RAM problem.

Judge Most in Need of a Reality Check: Len Goodman for criticizing a Samba forced into a stupid-ass Americana Night Theme.

Heidi: Seriously Len?? Seriously? When you criticize what I thought was a cute and well executed Samba (and props to Karina for tying line dancing into a Samba) for technique when the producers inflict on the couples the stupidest theme ever done on DWTS, you’ve let your need to storyboard get in front of reality. Seriously – get a grip and go with Carrie Ann (shocker, I know!) – she had it right when she commented on the theme and how it impacts the given dances. Jerk. And this on a night when you praised Kendra. Jaysus.

Courtney: I guess Len has just decided that Ralph is going to be his permanent punching bag this season.  I can’t think of any other reason why he’s so damn grouchy every time he critiques him.  Maybe he’s jealous of how well Ralph has aged…who knows.  But yah, I definitely cursed at the TV when he praised Kendra’s non-foxtrot – just made his hatchet job of a critique of Ralph’s samba that much more hard to swallow.

The Selectively Blind as a Bat Award: Carrie Ann Innaba, for her failure to call out the biggest and most glaring lift in the history of the show…or, well, in a really long time

Heidi: Geezas – that lift at the end of Hines and Kym’s dance?? Hello? Remember a beautiful rumba by Derek and Nicole with much more technically difficult move that resulted in the same sort of carry MUCH later in the song – to the point it was actually debateable whether the music had stopped (certainly, the applause was loud enough that Derek thought it had)?? The one that you called out spoiling what was one of the better rumbas in the history of the show?? And you did that AFTER you blatantly excused a similar move by Mark and Shawn?? Among others?? Speaking of storyboarding – I guess we only call lifts when it is convenient to the story you are trying to tell. Jerk.

Courtney: I thought of the exact same thing when I saw that bit at the end – but alas, they must’ve given Hines the Marine diplomatic immunity this season, because he can do no wrong in the eyes of Carrie Ann…or Carrie Ann’s lady parts.  It just annoys me to no end how inconsistent she’s been in her “lift policing” this season – only calling couples out when it suits her interests…whatever those interests happen to be. 

The Tom Bergeron-In-Training Award for Best Impressions: Chris Jericho

Heidi: His imitation of Len is spot on scary good. He’s just hilarious and just seems so intelligent – he has a future in TV, methinks. It doesn’t hurt that he’s cute as hell. 🙂

Courtney: I <3 Chris 🙂 And that’s saying something, because those little hearts made from the less-than sign and a 3 annoy the hell out of me most of the time! I tweeted him a proposition the other night that he and I should make gorgeous, waltzing, wrestling babies that speak in fake British accents…he hasn’t responded  yet, so he’s probably just trying to work out his schedule to make it happen before he promises anything 😉

Heidi: He was busy just then. :::happy sigh::: 😉

The Best Butt Crack Award: Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Hey, he may not appeal to me, physically, but I’m going to call out a nice plumber’s ass when I sees one. 😉 Laying on the floor in front of Kirstie at the end of their dance. Just sayin’. But, I also have to say that there’s a gay bar in New Orleans called “Rawhide” where Maks’ pants make a nightly appearance on half a dozen, not as well built, guys – at least. There’s a matching vest. Just something to keep in mind. 🙂

Courtney: Oh wow! How did I miss this one??? Maybe I’ll have to rewatch that performance later while dying Easter eggs.  And yes, leather pants are a gay bar staple…as are assless leather chaps with nothing underneath 🙂 *pours one out for the biker guy in The Village People*

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “I think we’ve learned that a top hat undercuts the ‘tough guy'”; Honorable Mention: “Let’s let the emotional Grand Canyon (aka Len) settle down.”

Heidi: Oh that Tom does make me laugh out loud on a regular basis. I also loved at the end of the night when he was making the cracks about the confetti and not being able to read the TelePrompTer. LOL.

Courtney: Quite possibly the only other person besides Kirstie & Maks to really acknowledge through his behavior that American Night was absolute cat crap.  I respect that 🙂 And as for the confetti malfunction – at least Tom was able to ad-lib his way through the remaining moments of the show.  I saw a moment of pure panic cross Brooke’s face when she realized the teleprompter was obscured. I giggled.

Best Dressed Celebrity, Female – Week 5: Petra Nemcova

Heidi: WOW!! Wow. So elegant and beautiful – everything was perfect. Hair, makeup, jewelery, dress…just gorgeous.

Courtney: Evaine has assured me that I could rock this dress well (but probably not as well as Petra), so maybe one of these days when I’m flush with cash and my job is just to be fabulous all day, I will purchase this dress and act out one of my bucket list fantasies: wearing this dress in a casino.  And then when I go to the craps table, a crowd gathers around to watch, and as I throw the dice, everyone screams! I know I’m not alone in this fantasy…anyone else care to join? We can take turns wearing the dress and screaming for each other 😉

Heidi: You forgot the part where Chris is standing just behind you in a Tux, smiling. Can we take turns with him too? Heh. I call first.

Best Dressed Pro, Female – Week 5: Kym Johnson

Heidi: Yeah, I’m talking a lot about clothes this week because Petra and Kym were such standouts in a night where many tended to succumb too much to the “theme” Americana – to the point that it was over the top. But hot damn!! Kym is rivaling Edyta in that fringed dress. Beautiful and sexy all at the same time without being too overt – add in the hat at the end and, well…perfection. A scene from An Officer and A Gentleman. I am envious yet again. 🙂

Courtney: Oh but Heidi, that dress of Kym’s was the reason she & Hines got a higher score than Chelsea & Mark…sooooo totally not fair! *snicker* Sorry, couldn’t help but take a swipe at some faulty logic some people were spouting on Twitter.  All kidding aside, it was a very pretty dress…Kym definitely seems to be having a love affair with fringe this season.  But nothing can hold a candle for me to her quickstep dress this season – just dreamy 🙂

The “You can take the girl out of the Trailer Park, but…” Award: Kendra Wilkinson

Heidi: Someone needs to explain irony to this girl. “I’m not f^#king afraid of elegance!!!” Um…ooookay. FAIL.

Courtney: Methinks the lady-er, Bunny doth protest too much…

Worst Idea In Facial Hair…Ever: Louis Van Amstel for his faux beard

Heidi: Louis, if you lived in Tennessee, Alabama or Mississippi, you would NOT be so fond of the Hillbilly Soul Patch you were sporting this week. TRUST ME.

Courtney: Kinda looked like someone glued a merkin to his chin.  And if you don’t know what a merkin is – look it up on Urban Dictionary at your own risk 🙂

Heidi: :::snicker::: Merkin…Hillbilly Soul Patch…it’s all the same to me. LOL

The Award for the Best “Accidental” Boob Grab by a Male Celebrity: Romeo

Heidi: LOL – oops. Romeo, I hope that was a true accident. 🙂 Of course, since Chelsie seemed to be magically enhanced from Chelsie Hightower to, say, Jessica Simpson, I guess I can understand accidentally grabbing something that wasn’t there during all your rehearsals. 🙂 Was I the only one seriously distracted by Chelsie and her dress and how her figure…got bustier?? Or is it simply a sign that Derek isn’t on the show that I pay too much attention to other women’s chests…and Maks’ butt crack… 😉

Courtney: “After seeing Hines & Kym’s high scores, Chelsie opted to try some “Awesome Boobage” on for size”…I should totally make an LOLChelsie out of that.  And I can’t blame Romeo’s curiousity, if it was intentional…did you see that boy’s face when Chelsie’s sticky bra fell off during quickstep practice??? He looked mesmerized as he mumbled something about “mechanical bam-bams”. 

The Award for the Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed – Season 12, thus far: The 1000th Dance Hoopla

Heidi: Is there nothing you wackos won’t celebrate in a totally over the top cheesy fashion?? I mean, I get 100th episode and 200th episode – but 1000th dance? Maybe I would care if you hadn’t chose Kendra and Louis to dance it. Talk about a buzz kill. :::rolls eyes:::

Courtney: I have to wonder if they would have made such a big deal out of it if it were any other couple…seemed a little fishy to me that Kendra & Louis, who have been dancing in the first half of the show for the entire competition, all of a sudden got bumped to 2nd to last this past week.  Verrrry interesting indeed…but yeah, dumb hoopla.