Chuck Liddell lays into ‘Dancing With the Stars’ judges: ‘Screw those guys’

Dancing with the Stars 9 Week 4 Power Rankings

I have an annoucement to make.

Heidi is indisposed at the moment…she fainted (and subsequently hit her head) because Derek TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT.  ALL THE WAY OFF, PEOPLE!  And while my reaction may not have been as strong as Heidi’s, I will admit – it was nice to see a guy with his shirt completely off instead of hanging open or unbuttoned, as if to tease the female viewers (shame on them).  Been jonesin’ for that since Gilles’ paso last season…

…but I digress.  I dub tonight’s show as the “Lipstick Mark” show due to the fact that almost everyone felt compelled to leave their mark on their partner (sometimes more than once…I love you to bits, Louis Van  🙂 ) Tonight was such a mixed bag, with 4 new dances, so it was hard to really make any other generalizations other than the lipstick marks.  Sorry 🙂 But I will say that those who got the lambada or the Charleston definitely had an advantage over those that got the 2-step or bolero…and let’s just say those that got bolero got ROYALLY screwed…

1.) Joanna & Derek – Derek may have singlehandedly shot himself (and Joanna, of course) to the top in viewer votes when he doffed his shirt.  But even if he hadn’t – that routine would have been commotion enough!  This is the routine that the hens in my office will be aflutter about tomorrow. The steps and execution of the lambada were good (if not a bit repetitive), but this week they brought the chemistry (man oh man! 😀 ) that I have had yet to really feel from these two…definitely the sexiest dance of the night.  Heidi, you were definitely onto something when you said that Joanna really had an advantage in having Derek – because right now, it’s his overall likeability, innovative (and lusty!) choreography, and penchant for taking his clothes off that is probably keeping Joanna on right now.  Let’s face it: Joanna is good, and pretty, but not so much well-known…but sex sells, people.  SEX SELLS!

2.) Mya & Dmitry – I know, I know…everyone thinks Mya & Dmitry are boring.  But tonight I feel as though they had a breakthrough…I definitely felt the heat from Mya.  However, I think I’ve figured out where the disconnect happens in their chemistry – Dmitry.  I was getting all sorts of vibes off of Mya tonight, and almost none from him.  For me, he’s basically out there just doing choreography and showcasing Mya – which is what he’s supposed to do, but at least put some feeling into it! I have to say – Mya felt the most “authentic” to me in the lambada – I could totally picture her in a seedy nightclub in Rio, grinding away and dripping with sweat. Anyway, these two tied for the top spot, and got the coveted “money spot” (the last dance of the evening) – and they were oily.  REEEAAALLLLY oily.  I think the light reflecting off of Mya’s legs was supposed to inspire the viewers to vote…and they might, but even if they didn’t, I think their scores alone could carry them through.

3.) Donny & Kym – I almost feel like it’s pointless to really try and rate Donny on his dancing, because no matter what he does, I think he more or less has a first class seat straight to the finale…UGH.  Ok, I will admit that their Charleston was technically pretty good – Donny seemed to keep up with the intricate hand and foot work, and seemed to carry off the character of the waiter well (surprise, surprise). But – and there is a but (anyone catch the SYTYCD reference? 😉 ) – he did fall out of step at one point, and got called out for it.  So maybe the coddling from the judges is about to wear off and they’re going to start being harder on him…then again, his rabid female baby boomer fanbase will probably just rally that much harder to keep up his vote percentage up.  I could go on and on about things that I didn’t like about Donny tonight (or any night, really)…but there really is no point…he’s staying around for a long time…phooey. 🙁

4.) Melissa & Mark – I am pleased as punch with Melissa tonight…she finally brought both the energy and the enthusiasm we all have been waiting for! I think she definitely had an advantage in having the Charleston, as Mark seems to really thrive in high-energy, goofy choreography.  They tied for the highest score, and I have a feeling they might get the encore tomorrow night (sorry Heidi, while I too would enjoy an encore of Derek & Joanna’s lambada, I have a feeling the FCC might veto that! haha 😉 ) The black and white during the beginning was fun (and memorable!), as was Mark’s mustache (as smarmy as it made him look).  They may have had a bit of a disadvantage in going so early in the show, but nevertheless, I don’t see these two going anywhere this week…

5.) Kelly & Louis – I adddoooorrrreeee these two.  So cute together – but rather than a romantic chemistry, it’s really more of a brother-sister chemistry, which is cute nonetheless 😉 While Kelly’s Charleston was not as high-energy as Melissa’s or crisp as Donny’s, she brought her own brand of sass to it, which always seems to work in her favor.  And Louis with that dreadful makeup…ai ai ai.  I can’t decide which was worse tonight – Louis’ makeup or Mark’s mustache. But people will remember it! Plus these two are just so doggone likeable even when they aren’t the center of attention (anyone else catch those two goofing off in the background while someone got their scores? 😉 ), that they’ll probably coast through this week and several more, because they seem to have the voters wrapped around their jazzy little Fosse fingers 😀

6.) Mark & Lacey – I’m starting to see glimmers of stage presence from Mark, and little bits of the wild Lacey choreography I love.  I think he seemed to take to the “swagger” of a cowboy fairly well, which made him more entertaining to watch.  And I have to give Lacey props – this was the most authentic, well-choreographed 2-step of the evening…not only that, but Mark seemed to keep up with it and do more than just walk around the room spinning the girl (although honestly…that’s pretty much all guys do in 2-step :-/).  Still not super memorable for me, but a dramatic improvement from last week (and prior weeks).  And they did pull out their highest score thus far…

7. ) Aaron & Karina – Oy. I think Aaron may be giving Donny a run for his money with the dramatic displays he’s pulling…except he doesn’t have as big a fanbase to keep him in.  This is the first week that Aaron has really been “off-putting” to me – I thought his crying over the rumba scores was over-the-top (only girls are allowed to cry on DWTS! DUH! 😉 ) and his overall “work, work, work” demeanor came across as stubborn and a bit whiney.  Their lambada wasn’t terrible – it just wasn’t great, or particularly memorable.  Not a whole lotta content – just Karina spinning and a bunch of tricks (although I will say that his tumbling pass in the opening was flawless…and it should be, for as big a deal as he made about it!).  I can definitely see him losing some votes this week due to last week’s meltdown, but then again, the opposite could happen – he could become memorable because of his dramatics. Guess it depends on whether his “off-putting” outweighs his charm or not…

8.) Natalie & Alec – May as well call this one rumba redux – felt like a recycled version of their rumba last week, just without the sheet and with a lot more glitter.  In her defense (and Alec’s as well), bolero was definitely the hardest of the 4 new dances, and I think having to do it the week after you did the rumba makes it hard for you to be memorable, as they are often so similar in timing and footwork (at least when done by amateurs), they’re nary indistinguishable.  I felt maybe a tad more chemistry between them (just a tad), but it was a valiant effort – Natalie has great legs, and moves beautifully.  And she’s still sweet as pie, even when she’s “frustrated” with Alec, and she did tie for the 3rd higest score of the night…the question is: will her smile and scores get her the votes?

10.) Louie & Chelsie – The only reason these two aren’t in my “danger zone” is that I think they may be able to ride the coattails of this whole “showmance” thing for a little while longer.  People are still abuzz about the rumba, and Chelsie tweeted some awfully chummy pix of the two of them at Disneyland over the weekend.  And if I were them, I would milk that for all its worth – cause this 2-step was pretty underwhelming, at least on Louie’s part.  Granted, Louie is good at doing tricks, and he always seems to stay on time and can actually keep his hands straight while spinning Chelsie (which is all this really was, anyway).  But he’s really starting to feel a bit “blah” to me in terms of showmanship…he just grins and walks through the dance.  And he definitely doesn’t have the mainstream fanbase of Donny or Melissa, or the judges’ scores in his favor – he’s basically slipping through on cuteness and showmanceyness (yah, I just said that) alone.  So Louie & Chelsie, if you happen to read this – SHOW-MANCE.  I don’t care if you hate each other – get caught walking hand-in-hand at the Grove, or kissing while sharing a milkshake, or something else cute and couple-y for people to talk about – it’s your only hope!!!

11.) Chuck & Anna – Oh Chuck, you big loveable teddy bear.  You can’t really dance for beans, but you’re just so darn huggable that I don’t even care.  Let’s face it: there’s not much to be said technically here: not a lot of content, mainly just Anna spinning around…probably the least authentic 2-step of the evening.  But I stand by my belief that Chuck would totally rock at doing lifts – didn’t even break a sweat.  The fluidity with which he hurled Anna up onto his shoulder…magnificent.  But I fear their days are numbered, and likeability will only trump bad dancing for so long (unless you’re an Osmond…*cough cough*).  So glad we got to see him do lifts, though! 🙂

12.) Michael & Anna – No surprises here.  Although I do find it a bit funny that they got the hardest dance…almost as if production was trying to engineer who went home…hmmm…but anyway.  All this was was some flaily arms and some faux sexy times (which was really just kinda icky…although not as icky as Donny & Kym).  Just Anna doing the occasional dip and Michael trying in vain to look romantic. Epic fail.  I think the “I stink but I’m fun!” train has just run out of steam for these two…they already had one foot out the door last week.  And Anna was really a letdown for me this season – she was brilliant in the pro competition, and nothing on the actual show.  *sigh* I was really waiting for her to hit her groove…

So long, Michael & Anna…it’s been fun, but fun can only take you so far in this competition.  So now let’s hear what you guys think…feel free to agree or disagree, all opinions are welcome! And while you’re at it, someone might want to send Heidi some e-smelling salts…I hear she’s still passed out from tonight’s show 😉