DWTS Cheesecake Awards | Pure Dancing with the Stars

DWTS Season 11, Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Another week, another cheesecake. It seems to get harder every week…Courtney preemptively left me this week to go on VACATION, so I added a couple screen caps she didn’t remark on. 🙂

The “WTF??” Award for Costuming, Female – Lacey Schwimmer

Heidi: Okay, welcome to Gone with the Wind – the Lacey Schwimmer costume gimmick version. Why, yes that that same kind of skirt material we’ve featured in other Cheesecake Awards! Why oh why does she insist on wearing clothing that is verging on awful?? Her bizarre white costume from their Jive was an improvement, but it’s still the very short, with ruffles around the hips style.

Courtney: Alright kids, time for another installment of “Dumb Stuff Court Did in College” (and yes, this does have something to do with Lacey’s ridiculous costume…stay with me!). My freshman year, I had the bright idea of starting a flirtation with one of my TA’s (big no-no) who was very into travel and had, by some miracle (or failure on the part of US customs) managed to smuggle a bottle of Romanian absinthe back into the states. For those of you unfamiliar with absinthe – it’s a bright green-colored alcohol, it’s wicked strong, and it can make you hallucinate something fierce if it’s the kind that’s distilled from wormwood (and yes, this particular variety was) – which is why it’s illegal in the US. One night Mr. TA suggested we do shots of the stuff, and to make a long story short – I spent the rest of the night alternating between being hunched over the toilet and trying to pick imaginary ants out of my hair. So what’s this have to do with Lacey’s costume, you ask? Well, the dark green part of it is what absinthe looks like in the bottle, and the pale green part is what absinthe looks like after you pour water over a sugar cube into a shot glass of it (the “French Method” of absinthe preparation). The very sight of it left me nauseous and slightly paranoid about imaginary insects. But kudos to Heidi for the Scarlett O’Hara reference – the wide-set hip area of the dress made me wonder if she had a full crinoline hoop as well as Mammy & Prissy under there! As for the jive costume…hehe…all I’m going to say is that there were some very comically placed appliqués on that nightmare…you all are free to figure that one out for yourself 😉

Heidi: Screw that – on another blog I think they called it a crotch doilies – I would give credit if I could remember where I read it. 🙂

Award for Best Good Natured Diss – Kyle Massey re: Lacey “She’s like an angry little baby.”

Heidi: Okay, LOL – never has a pro been so accurately characterized by their celeb partner and in such a charming way. Bet the angry little baby wasn’t really that happy about that. 🙂

Courtney: Lacey, like her cousin Heidi Groskreutz (who got called out for this on season 2 of SYTYCD) has a tendency to make what Nigel Lythgoe refers to as “Cabbage Patch doll faces” when either performing or getting angry. Must be a Schwimmer thing. So the angry baby comparison is pretty apt. 🙂

Bergeron Line O’ the night: “BTW, that sound you heard was Foreigner, weeping” Runner Up: “So, being cool lasted all of…12 seconds.”

Heidi: I know right, Tom?? I think there was a little bit of playacting going on by a lot of the pros and celebs (at the producers suggestion, similar to how they pretended to randomly draw a CD – please). But dude, LOL – and your follow up regarding Mark and Bristols song? Equally brilliant. 🙂 And nice shot to Maks for his inability to hold his cool.

Courtney: I think I’ve figured out my favorite Tom Bergeron trait: he ain’t afraid to call the pros, celebs, or judges out for being stupid, and he does it in such a way that you can’t really be mad at the guy…he’s just too funny. I have to wonder if the whole “Gee, I’ve never heard of Foreigner/Mas Que Nada/Teenage Dream/Hella Good/Good Golly Miss Molly” act was a ploy to make the instant dance sound harder than it really was. Considering everyone did decently well, and a lot of these songs are very well-known, I have a hard time believing that some of the pros & celebs had no idea what these songs were. And to Jennifer & Derek – you were almost dead to me when you drew a blank on one of my top 10 favorite bands of all-time. “Jukebox Hero”? “Cold as Ice”? “I Wanna Know What Love Is?” None of this is ringing any bells???? And Maks…hehe…you know you’re being a bit silly if Tom is calling you out, buddy. Let it go…the Berg knows best 😉

The Award for Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed, Week 8 – the “Locker room Check In” with the Celeb couples prior to the Insta-dance

Heidi: Sheesh. That was overly dramatic and kinda silly. The Insta-dance itself worked out pretty well, but Brooke as a “locker room reporter”? Not so much. Kinda silly. Let the people practice. And those sparkly storage containers?? LOL!! I wonder just how much labor went into the construction of those bad boys.

Courtney: I wonder how much of the currently-vacant Idol backlot they had to annex to create the 4 “practice stages”. Seemed like a colossal waste to me – they seriously couldn’t have just set aside a few areas of hardwood backstage and let the couples practice in peace? I don’t really know about you guys, but I didn’t really need to see them practicing, let alone having bimbo Brooke the “locker room reporter” interrupt them to ask them once more how “hard” everything was. Aaaagghhh…overkill. And Kurt’s comment to Anna “Anna, you look beautiful, now get back here and let’s practice!”…sure sounded scripted to me. Eee gad.

The Award for Most Annoyingly Predictable Packages – The producers.

Heidi: Mix it up boys and girls and jerks. Jennifer is not always in pain (see Dance Center), I’m sure Lacey doesn’t spend all her time screaming at Kyle and I’m pretty damn sure that Bristol and Mark aren’t rays of freakin’ sunshine all the damn time. Oh, and quit using her damn mother (and child) for ratings because people might actually STOP watching the damn show if she wins because of it!!! Geez!!

Courtney: I am half tempted to fast forward all the way through the packages and judges critiques anymore and just watch the dances themselves…but then I might miss valuable cheesecake material. I do this for you guys! Hahah. Yah, I am going to use my astounding powers of ESPN to predict what’s going to be in next week’s packages: Jennifer will be injured, another member of the Palin clan will stop in to observe Mark & Bristol’s practice, Brandy will be sassy, and Kyle & Lacey will look like hobos while Lacey screams. Remember kids – you heard it here first 😉

Heidi: Hobos in $2 pants, if Dance Center is anything to go by. LOL

Award for Most Melodrama in a Dance – Brandy and Maks’ Waltz

Heidi: Very beautiful costumes and a very pretty dance, but the faces Brandy was making probably weren’t supposed to make me laugh. Girlfriend isn’t an actress, is she?? LOL.

Courtney: Heidi, of course she’s an actress – she was on Moesha, right? 😉 The first time I watched this waltz, I think I just was a bit ADD and didn’t notice the over-the-top drama of it. Then I watched it again…and again…and again…and lol’ed each time. I haven’t seen such melodramatic face pulling since Benji Schwimmer. Pretty dance, don’t get me wrong…but I could have done with a lot less of the overacting.

The “WTF??” in Judging Award – Week 8 – Len on Brandy and Maks’ Waltz

Heidi: Dude, generally not a good idea to tell someone (and the audience) that Brandy had issues and then proceed to say you don’t care and give her a ten. For real? Somebody put happy pills in your Spotted Dick??

Courtney: Once again, this continues to be the season of WTF when Len is the most lenient judge up there…especially since he seems to have assumed the “Paula” role on the panel. So maybe the whole happy pills theory isn’t too far off, Heidi…Tom did say it was a sign of the apocalypse with Len lecturing Bruno on being nice…

The Award for Best Guest Star in a Package – Steve O; Honorable Mention(s) – Joel Grey and Kurt’s Kids.

Heidi: Steve-O and the air horn – best non-dancing thing from Monday night. LOL. Then the nudity. Dear lord. Joel Grey? I just love him. 🙂 I included Kurt’s kids in here at the last minute because it was cracking me up that all his kids were giving him 9’s and 10’s – except one. Hilarious. That kid was meaner than Carrie Ann!!

Courtney: The mean kid who gave the 7 is probably going through his rebellious teenage years 😉 But those twin girls of Kurt’s are just darling! God I love Steve-O – I think he’s been my favorite partner of Lacey’s, just due to how off-the-wall the pairing was to begin with, and how well it ended up working out. Leave it to Steve-O to come up with the most hilarious of distractions for Kyle – the air horn, the basketball, the nudity (did he do jumping jacks? Haha), and the leaf blower. Such a lovable imp – just like Kyle. I remember Lacey tweeting something last week about going to see Steve-O do stand-up, so I’m wondering if they came up with this little gem of an idea on the fly. And Joel Grey? Seriously seems like the most supportive, encouraging, wise father ever. And he’s just so darn adorable, I want him to come to my house at Christmas and drink hot toddies and tell fun stories. Or maybe play a skinny singing Santa. Who knows.

Most Shocking Error by a Host – Tom Bergeron!

Heidi: The world is ending. This NEVER happens and it happened twice in one week!! First Tom announce Kyle with a reference to Foreigner (that was Jen’s song), and then on the results show he totally boo booed on the announcing Kurt and Jennifer – safe or red light of doom. Yo, it’s shocking because this man is a genius.

Courtney: Again, another possible sign of the apocalypse: Tom fouls up twice, while Brooke doesn’t make any mistakes this week. You know, this season may very well be getting to him too…could be zapping his creativity and brain power. All the more reason for things to normalize and Bristol to go home. I blame her for Tom’s deterioration 😛

The Award for Most Misplaced Whine – Bristol Palin; (Dis)Honorable Mention – Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Yo, Bristol, everyone had the same amount of time to rehearse their insta-dance, this wasn’t just about you. Yo, Bristol, ANYONE else would have gotten 6’s on that Samba…actually, maybe this is better directed at Mark. He’s elevated your expectations. LOL to Mark saying that the AT was better than their V. Waltz but it got the same score – Dude, the V. Waltz was OVER SCORED. Nice try though. 🙂 I can kinda understand your confusion because once they start the overscoring on a couple, it’s hard for them to STOP – which makes it confusing. As for Maks – we’ve been over this 500 times, but I just have to say when your complaints during the show last longer than your actual dancing does, maybe it’s OVERKILL. Dude, you talk to a dozen media outlets right after the show. Save it. And ALL that for a *28* – to anyone else that’s a great score. And the Cha Cha –ing you did really wasn’t worth a 28, so from where I’m sitting you should be happy.

Courtney: Forget Bristol. If I heard Mark whine one more time about how he fouled up their samba, I was going to claim responsibility for its sucktasticness myself just to spite him 😛 “Guys, it’s my fault that Bristol & Mark got a sucky score for their samba. I was ruining it by osmosis from my couch.” And I’ve already said my piece on Maks multiple times, so I’ll just sum it up: if you do something you know you’re not supposed to and get called out for it, suck it up – you have no room to argue. It’s like getting busted doing something illegal and then trying to fight with the cops – “But officer, I didn’t know that smoking meth was illegal. I work so hard all day long and you don’t understand what I’m going through…” You get the idea. Just…silly.

The “WTF??” Costuming Award, Male – Mark Ballas

Courtney: That jacket he wore for their A. tango? Made him look like some sort of Star Trek villain. I was half expecting him to declare war on the Federation or order the bridge to warp between gaunchos in that tango.

Heidi:Dude, thanks a hell of a lot. You made me re-watch that dance because I didn’t remember the jacket. As a result I saw Mark feel Bristol up again and I’m sorry but that kinda made me go “Ick” – and not because of Bristol. I just think Mark is trying TOO hard. And then I saw those weak, dull (as in non-crisp) legs and I got annoyed all over again at that 24. So, all of this is pretty much YOUR fault. 🙂 Anyway, on to the jacket. For some reason, the collar (or lack thereof) made me think The Beatles, but they had standup collars on the Nehru jackets, didn’t they? Then there was the wacky cut across the front…you’re right. Star Trek sans red shirt. 🙂 Are we challenging people to Google every week so they get the “red shirt” reference and Nehru jackets reference?? I wonder – all this crap is before my time, so what I’m really wondering is if I’m weirder than I realize. 🙂

Best Reaction to Instant Choreo – Anna channeling the Fonz

Courtney: Oh my little fiery-tressed Russian strikes again. 🙂 Loved her emphatic thumbs up and totally sarcastic grin anytime anyone mentioned the instant choreo. Everyone seemed to think the idea was a bit nuts, it seemed…even the Berg seemed to chuckle in disbelief anytime he said the phrase “instant choreography”. But Anna took the cake for me – hearty laughter from the audience each time she assumed that expression.

Heidi:I have to give her credit – that was the best non-verbal “this is f@#ked up” I have ever seen. 🙂

The Award for Best Segment EVER on DWTS – ANY Episode of Dance Center

Heidi: Dance Center, how do I love thee, let me count the ways…I think I’ll just put in some screen caps and Courtney and I will comment on the appropriately. 🙂

Courtney: Maybe I’m just a fuddy-duddy (or just stressed about packing and getting everything ready for vacay), but Dance Center is just ok to me. Parts of it a quite funny, but on the whole – the Berg is the height of comedy for me on this show 😉 However, I will join you in that captioning fun you speak of…

Heidi: Botany??? Dance Center is making an ass out of me, isn’t it. Is there a joke hidden here or are the boys being just totally random? 🙂

Courtney: Yah, right…if Brandy’s into botany, then I’m into collecting ceramic clowns and playing the vuvuzela in my spare time.

Heidi: Strange guy I work with ordered a vuvuzela from Africa during the world cup and blew it outside my office. He’s now walking funny. Ridiculous purchase, too, since it was made in China. 🙂

Heidi: I think the best part for me is how they spelled chicken, “chickin” -freakin’ hilarious OR the producers flunked 4th grade – you be the judge. 🙂

Courtney: Oops Mark, I think you forgot some of the weekly essentials…rose petals, massage oil, votive candles, chocolate truffles, satin sheets…damn, what else am I forgetting? Oh that’s right…eyeliner.

Heidi: Hee…I was so tempted to photoshop in a “Covergirl” reference but didn’t do it.

Courtney: Ok, now you’ve all heard of “mom jeans”…but are these mom…Hammer pants?! You can’t touch this…and I don’t want to either…*shudder*

Heidi: They had multiple shots of poor Lacey’s clothing that I could have capped, but at the time I was doing it I was feeling kind. My first instinct was to cap the slashed up sweatshirt circa Flashdance – they labeled it “free”. LOL. I was also being kind when I didn’t screen cap Lacey stuffing her face while Kyle busted his butt, with a voice over of how hard she works or some such thing. 🙂

Heidi: Okay, the whole Jennifer and Derek section was hilarious for multiple reasons, not the least of which was seeing Len say, “That Derek, he’s so cute” in that British accent – LOL. And the tie in of her age as infant, with her characters name in Dirty Dancing (Baby), and Derek rocking her – and then saying that yes, faking an injury is dirty dancing…hilarious but partly predictable. 🙂 Funniest part of that was the Dirty Dancing part – some bone heads on some un-named message boards were like “Oh look, they are outing her for faking her injuries”. :::rolls eyes::: No, dumbass, they read what some idiots were saying and are satirizing YOU. But the reason why I included this one is because of the Favorite Color. Is there an inside joke here I’m missing?? Oh crap. Just as I was typing this I got it. Light black = Grey. Oh my DUH. 🙂

Heidi: This one was a tad predictable as well, but I guffawed anyway. 🙂 Part of the fun of Dance Center is the way these three guys talk to each other. Well, that and the star under Jerry’s eye, Len’s chest tattoo and…everything about Kenny. Hilarious.

Courtney: Ok Heidi, you go grab the duct tape – it’s time to play “Edward Brandyhands”.

Heidi: There are times when this show would be easier to watch if I had a liquor bottle duct taped to my hand, I have to say. But not Brandy. Brandy is icky. 😉

Courtney: Oh look – they managed to sew together several of Lacey’s costumes in order to make Kenny look as ridiculous as possible.

Heidi: There are at least three of her skirts in that mess. And here we have an episode of “Who Wore it Better?” Isn’t that Tony’s shirt from his season with Melissa?? Someone in the comments said it was. He was also wearing it when gluing the tiny mirrrors on the mirror ball. As for who wore it better – well, the fact that it is being worn during Dance Center should tell you something.

Heidi: Favorite food – bananas. Bwahahaha…and how is it these guys can make “Zamboni” sound REALLY dirty? 🙂

DWTS 11 Week 7 – The Cheesecake Awards!!!

Another week, another cheesecake. 🙂 Beware, there are scary hair stories, penis talk and general bitchiness ahead. You’ve been warned. 🙂

The “It’s about Freakin’ TIME!!” Award: The opening pro dance!!!

Heidi: THAT’S what I’m talking about in terms of wanting more pro dances!! That was awesome! Well done.

Courtney: At long last – a pro dance comprised ENTIRELY of pros we know, that is legit ballroom (and not artsy contemporary/ballet), and with believable cha-cha/quickstep music. Was that really so hard, powers that be? 😉 Good to see a lot of familiar faces in addition to this year’s cast – Anna D., Ashly, Damian, Dmitry, Jonathan, and even Inna. Only absence that I really seemed to notice? Alec & Edyta. *sigh* Makes me wish that their split from the show wasn’t quite so bitter…then we might actually have a chance at seeing them in a pro dance. Oh well…c’est la vie. Also gotta give a “Cheesecake Award within a Cheesecake Award” to the wardrobe department for digging up every last silver ladies’ Latin costume they could find for this number…saw Kym’s cha-cha costume from season 9, a few of the dresses from the Team Gaga cha-cha last season, Chelsie’s cha-cha costume from last season, Kym’s freestyle costume from season 7, etc. etc. etc. And before any of you ask – yes, there is another edition of “Who Wore it Better?” on the way…it’s just a matter of me figuring out the time between our other weekly features, my job, vacations, pets, and other commitments. Be patient, it will be worth it 😉

Heidi: You forgot – no annoying interuptions to show the cheesy musical guest. 🙂 Oh crap. I just realized that we forgot Tom B.’s most awesome faux faint while talking to Taylor Swift. And Courtney’s gone to bed to watch Grey’s Anatomy, leaving me alone with the Cheeeeeese. 🙂 Well, Tom, not that Taylor’s cheesy or anything – and I thought the bit was good, really – but it wasn’t your best because you PLANNED it. I know this because you said so on Twitter. I still love you and think you deserve 10 Emmy’s though. 🙂

The Cheesecake Award for The Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed: the opening of the Team Dances

Heidi: Laugh out loud on the cheese factor. It was like a prize fight or something. Hilarious. Big heartbeat, dramatic music, steam. Oy veh. Ha, check out Ballas posed on the floor.

Courtney: You may have LOLed…but I cringed and rolled my eyes. The hearbeat sound effect? The smoke? The intimidating pose at the end? Ugh. I don’t ever remember them going to such tacky lengths before for the team dances, and they worked just fine then. The only one who really seemed to get into the drama of it was Mark…surprise, surprise. 😉

Heidi: That was the cheesiest part – he thought he was all bad ass. See Derek make funny faces about it, cut to Mark trying to look like Stallone in Rambo.

Best Use of a Soul Patch by a Non-Ohno Celebrity: Jennifer Grey, Honorable Mention: Brooke Burke.

Heidi: First off, I thought whoever came up with the Soul Patch idea was brilliant – LOVED it. I know I read that it was kind of a last minute thing. I just thought that was a cool homage to their captain. But then to come back from commercial to see Jennifer leaning on Apolo wearing Derek’s – too funny. And Kudos to Brooke for going with the flow and trying to put it on her own face. I just love little things like that – they’re not huge but they make the show more fun.

Courtney: Definitely gave them a creative, humorous little “edge” over Team Kristi, as did the bandanas…then again, what were their opponents supposed to do as an homage to their captain? Do a couple of triple lutzes? They should have asked Derek for an assist…I hear does a passable Yamaguchi impersonation 😉 But anyway, back to the soul patch. I think the funniest part of it for me was the fact that it kept falling off of Anna…must’ve been some shittay adhesive! At one point I think it fell down her shirt.

Award for Scariest Pre-Dance Package: Team Apolo

Heidi: After seeing that package I was somewhat convinced their dance was going to be a mess – and I think we likely have the production/editing crew to thank for that. They were so intent on making sure everyone knew that Jennifer was tired that they didn’t seem to really focus on anything else. The rehearsal seemed disorganized and a shambles. Obviously, since they danced so well, that wasn’t the case at all.

Courtney: Once again, I blame those sneaky producers and their sly attempts at making the playing field look far more level than it really is. I knew the team dance was gonna be a homerun for Team Apolo right off the bat, thanks to Kristi’s poor strategy in choosing her team. The 2 best dancers this season (Jennifer & Brandy), a well-matched, lovable couple (Kurt & Anna), and a pro that’s never lost before in a team dance (Derek) – pretty stacked deck, if you ask me. So what did they do to create suspense? Tried to make Team Apolo’s practice look as trainwrecky as humanly possible. Jennifer’s tired! Kurt’s having trouble with the steps! Brandy is having a hard time keeping up! How ever will they beat Team Kristi, the team whose package was all sunshine & rainbows & Bristol shimmying her hips with Lacey & Cheryl??! The answer: pretty easily. Nice try, PTB.

Heidi: I’m pretty sure I saw a rainbow shoot out of Rick’s ass. But Jesus, I didn’t even think that far through it. Those shitheads. 🙂 Awesome point, oh young but wise one.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “You never forget your first” in reference to Mel B pinching his butt. Honorable Mention – “We now join the Bickersons already in progress.”

Heidi: There’s not much we can say about The Bergeron that we haven’t already waxed poetic about. Why this man hasn’t won an Emmy yet, I can’t understand. Step out of the way, Probst, all your shit is pre-taped and edited. (Psst…I love you too, though. Call me.) And that argument between Anna and Kurt was the cutest thing ever – I would have commented on it too, if I were Tom.

Courtney: Tom Bergeron is what made this 200th Episode extravaganza work – all the banter with the returning celebs, the off-the-cuff humor we’ve come to love week after week – he’s just perfect. And forget Probst – the man just looks dramatic while pulling pieces of paper out of a jug. And move over Heidi Klum – Bergeron can say a whole lot more than “Auf Wiedersen”. Now if only Bergeron would win, and Cat Deeley would at least get a nomination…

The Award for Biggest “WTF?” Production Screw Up of the Night: Whoever in production that had their mic “live” so that we heard them laugh and say “thanks Brooke!!” right after she called Rick in jeopardy. (Dis)Honorable Mention – the camera man who failed to have Kurt on camera in the very opening of their dance.

Heidi: Geez oh man, they really had trouble keying the correct mic buttons this week. At least twice I heard production voices when I shouldn’t have, then I heard Tom talking when his mic should have been turned off. The worst was the one regarding Rick. I think Brooke realized that went over the air too, by the look on her face (in watching this back a second time, it actually sounds like Kyle and Lacey). Then there was one during Brandy’s VT prior to her finding out if she was safe or not. I know this is a live show and all, but it’s one you’ve been doing for 5 years, folks. That party champagne start flowing a tad early, did it?? Big goof at the beginning of Kurt’s dance too – nice shot of Anna’s face though.

Courtney: I didn’t catch either of these, and I’m too lazy to go back and watch again right now, so I will take your word for it 😉 But yah, seriously – who do they have on their production staff this season? A bunch of orangutans? Seriously sloppy.

Heidi: I wonder if they edit that crap out for the west coast, like when someone does something bad on live TV and the west coast never sees it? Curious.

The Dork of the Week Award: Mark Ballas for his on-going contributions to the awkward nicknames Hall of Fame.

Heidi: Dude, Bristallion? Dork. 🙂 I mean really, Mark, pretty sure no female wants a nickname that’s partly large, male horse-related. Especially not when Derek is around to shout it at the top of his lungs like he did in the celebraquarium the other night. While we’re at it, let’s talk about why you shouldn’t call her “Bris” – unless you’re talking about when you were a young Jewish boy, I’m pretty sure that one should be dropped entirely from your vocabulary. Then there’s your team name. Ballin?? REALLY?? Do I really need to explain this one to you?? I know others tried, via twitter, to talk you out of that one. Now that I look at this list, it becomes apparent that you have only one thing on your mind. LOL.

Courtney: I think Mark is just grasping at whatever he can to endear Bristol to the masses (although she’s apparently endeared herself enough to make it all the way to the quarterfinals…are tacky nicknames really a necessity?). Bristallion, Bris, Team Ballin, Bristol the Pistol – are you running out of ideas, Mark? Let me help: how bout “Bristol Meth”? Cause she’s got such energy? 😉 Oh, and interesting to note: in Cockney rhyming slang (think Basher from Ocean’s Eleven and Austin Powers & his father in Goldmember), “Bristol” is actually slang for “tits”. Can I say tits? Or should I change it to “boobies”? Cause the latter just kinda makes me feel silly. 😛

Heidi: “Boobies” is so 12 year old boy. 🙂

The “Way to Bogart Heidi & Courtney’s Cheesecake Awards” Award: The DWTS Awards

Heidi: How many times can we use the word “awards” in one sentence? I believe I actually groaned out loud when Tom announced they were going to hand out awards – the first sign that a show is taking itself too seriously is when it gets all self-congratulatory. But luckily I think the producers were just stealing from me and Courtney and decided to have their own Cheesecake Awards. 😉 Some of their choices were pretty questionable, though, in their effort to actually get a full roster of nominees. In what universe does Kate Gosselin get included in “most dramatic” moment with the likes of Marie fainting or Christian getting hurt?? Then they really fluffed (pardon the expression, boys 😉 ) up the male pro “biggest transformation” award. Mark and Derek? Seriously? Derek cut his hair and has figured out how to grow facial hair (but it’s blond so you can’t see it), and Mark shaved already short hair off. Both have gotten a little more buff, but really, not that big a transformation. I think they really wanted to make fun of Louis’ and Maks’ hair at the end of the day. LOL – and that was some hair guaranteed to get you picked on on the playground, for sure. And I definitely think that Erin should have gotten an award for hitting Maks in the head with her shoe – that was AWESOME. 🙂

Courtney: Seriously, powers that be – you’re already annoying me with all the changes you’re making to the show, but now you done pissed me off by deciding to give your own silly ass awards. Ours are far, far superior, just to be clear 😉 Agree wholeheartedly about Kate & Tony’s little tiff being included in the “Most Dramatic” category – seems quite trivial and stupid when you’re showing Cristian tearing his bicep and Misty rupturing her Achilles tendon and Marie fainting…and how did I know as soon as they showed that clip that an Osmond was a shoo-in to win the “Most Dramatic” category? Ai ai ai. And yes, the male pro transformation category was for the sole purpose of making fun of Maks’ & Louis’ epically bad long-haired days. Why else do you think they started with the least transformed (Derek, Mark, & Tony)? Enjoyed Len’s bit in the judges’ category – his one-liners, though few & far between, are often nearly as funny as Tom’s – “I’ve seen more romance at a dentist!” “The rumba is the dance of love…this felt more like a couple havin’ a bit of hanky-panky in the back of a Chevy!” “Entertainment runs through your veins like chianti does through Bruno’s!” As for Carrie Ann and Bruno – the former’s was an odd collection of gyrations, cougar behavior, and tears, and the latter…well his was the same, minus the tears. And really guys – Kenny Mayne the worst dancer in DWTS history? Dude, it doesn’t get much worse than Master P…brutally bad, and had no inclination whatsoever to improve. Overall: I wouldn’t let the ding-dongs behind those awards anywhere near the Cheesecake. Heidi & I would have had that audience howling…or completely offended. Who knows.

Heidi: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m TRYING for “completely offended.” 🙂 CAI is quite an idiot when you string all her crap together like that. 🙂 And Bruno – well, where would we be without all that innuendo? Sans tears? 🙂

The “If you haven’t got anything nice to say…STFU” Award: Lacey Schwimmer

Heidi: Why the hell does Lacey actually sound mean in the Dancer Transformation segment where the other ladies are actually pretty amusing? Just me and my over all apathy toward Lacey this season? Girl, just because you routinely soak your brain, er, head in bleach doesn’t mean everyone does. Unless Derek has been bleaching since birth, when you two are standing together only one of you has serious peroxide issues. Hint – his beard is ash blond. The boy probably gets highlighted, but I doubt very much that he dyes his beard to match his head. Me thinks she of the head of straw is a tad envious of pretty blond hair. 😉 She’s certainly in NO position to make fun of Maks, Louis or anyone else about their hair and how pony tails aren’t attractive. Her hair looks horrible! Dye it back, already. Ugh. Note to Lacey – me and Court are the only ones allowed to critique. It’s the law of blogs, plus your hair is worse than any of those guys. 🙂

Courtney: Once upon a time, back in college, Courtney got bored with her hair (which was jet black at the time – also the product of boredom a few months prior) and decided to go blonde. The result, while not entirely painful to look at, was not ideal – it was quite obvious I was not a natural platinum blonde (my skin is rather olive), my hair was rather dull & frizzy, and it broke off just above the shoulders due to being so completely damaged. It took only a few months of this nonsense (and a ridiculous amount of money to maintain it) to figure out that I was simply not cut out to be a blonde. Lacey, on the other hand – she seems like she hasn’t quite reached that point yet. She is still in the “wow, blondes really do have more fun!” phase where she is convinced that it’s her destiny to be blonde, and that it looks so good on her that she’s in a position to pass judgement on those with natural blonde hair. Hint: if God gave it to you – it probably looks better on you than it does on someone who bought it. I love how she automatically assumes that he bleaches – has she not seen old family pix of the Houghs? Every single one of those children was blessed with full heads of golden hair, no chemical assistance necessary. And as if she knows how terrible her hair looks, she says “If you get any more bleach in your hair, you’re gonna look like me!” Reason enough right there to ditch the bleach, D-Hough. If you really are bleaching, that is.

Heidi: When did this turn into a horror story? :::shudder::: Breaking hair?? I’m a natural redhead – or I was. I’m the kind of redhead that goes very blonde in the sun and after a while it just stayed blonde – so I know not of which you speak but it sounds very, very scary. I think Julianne probably lightens her natural, more ash blonde but that girl has awesome hair. Is Lacey just not spending enough money on it? I really wanna know. 🙂 Is this a case of Super Cuts versus the Beverly Hills Salon?

Award for the Most Succinct and Apropos Description of the Instant Dance: Brandy

Heidi: In the confessional, she just kinda crossed her eyes and twirled her finger near her ear. Yep, that pretty much sums it up for me, girl.

Courtney: Crack is whack. 😉

The “Coincidence? I think not.” Award: The Cast of SWTS

Heidi: HA!!! Both Bethany and Rebecca Budig were rumored for DWTS and here they are turning up on Skating with the Stars – I’m so good I’m finding hints for shows I didn’t even know existed. 😉

Courtney: Here’s what gets me: Skating with the Stars is not even a new show. Does anyone else remember Skating with Celebrities that aired on FOX about, oh, 4 or 5 years ago? Exact same premise. Nothing at all new or innovative about this incarnation. The winner of that show, Kristy Swanson, actually ended up marrying her skating pro from the show, Lloyd Eisler. And the show got such low ratings that they didn’t even bother with a 2nd season. Will this time around be a smash hit, following on the heels of DWTS? Maybe. But I doubt it. The only reason I’m tuning in is because I’m pretty sure Randall has signed on to do the costumes for that show as well, since I spotted Rebecca donning Nicole’s Argentine tango dress from last season. Ringer pick to win: Olympic skier Johnny Moseley.

Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Saying that Maks had gone to the finals 2 times before…when he’s actually been to the finals 3 times

Courtney: And god bless Maks for calling her out on it! Once again, not sure if they’re feeding her bad info in her earpiece, or she’s trying to improvise this banter, but either way…something is getting lost in translation. My advice to Brooke: if you’re going to throw out anything remotely numbers-related, or really, just facts-related, memorize it prior to the show. Write it on your hand. Come up with a fun pnemonic for it. Have someone write it on a telelprompter or cue card. And if you still can’t remember it…just scrap the idea altogether and ask them if they want some cheesecake. 😉

Heidi:Yeah, write it on your hand!! Bristol’s mom can show you how it’s done!! 😉 And thus endeth the obscure political trivia portion of the Cheesecake Awards.

The “I Can Haz Costume Gimmick?” Award: Lacey Schwimmer

Courtney: Ok, I promise I’m not deliberately TRYING to turn this into the Heidi & Courtney anti-Lacey hour, but homegirl is SERIOUSLY bugging me this season for many reasons – and this is one of them. Why is her go-to costume these days a skimpy feathered skirt and a matching bedazzled bra???? Monday night was the third time THIS SEASON that we’ve seen this combo – each time in a slightly different color scheme. I feel like most of the time, the ladies on the show know what kinds of costumes flatter them best, and generally stick to what really shows of their assets while camoflaging other areas. I don’t feel like Lacey always follows this example – and I don’t think the feathered-skirt-with-matching-bedazzled-bra combo is at all flattering on her. In fact, I cannot help but wonder how many Muppets had to die to make her skirt, or how late some poor wardrobe assistant had to stay up bedazzling yet another bra for her. Do you REALLY need to show that much skin, honey? Edyta is gone, and she was really the only one who could carry off near-nudity well. And someone, please burn that damn razor blade bra before she has a chance to wear it for a 5th time – we saw it in season 7, season 9, the beginning of this season, and then in the Bruno dance video. NO MORE RAZOR BLADE BRA!!! PLEASE!!!! But hey, she got her wish – she will forever be known as the “sparkle bra and silly feathered skirt” gal in my mind….not a good thing.

Heidi:Would you believe that I had an award called “The Rule Most In Need of Breaking Award” – The one that requires that Lacey be in EVERY single freakin’ Pro dance on the damn show!! I took it out because I thought maybe I was being too harsh and that I was alone in being so sick of Lacey that I have the urge to slap her. 🙂 Guess not. Problem is that she thinks she’s REALLY hot and REALLY funny and she’s…not. At. All. I think the only time I’ve laughed at her was when she told Kyle to put his chest away because no one wanted to see it – and I laughed because I said the same thing at the same time, so I was really laughing at myself. 🙂

Least Surprising Appearance by a Former Contestant: Jake Pavelka

Courtney: So completely NOT shocked to see goofy attention-whore Jake cheesing next to Evan & Erin when the camera panned to the season 10 celebs. He’s probably desperate for attention now that the whole Vienna scandal has died down.

Heidi:That and the fact that he probably can’t get a job to save his life. Ugh. He’s not even goofy, he’s smarmy and creepy.

And thus endeth the Cheesecake (why do I keep trying to spell it Cheesekake?) Awards for Week 7. Hope you all enjoyed.

DWTS 11, Week 6 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi is feeling rather monosyllabic this evening. And since Heidi is the one writing this sentence, she is also strangely speaking in 3rd person. Probably because Heidi has had nothing to drink.

And Courtney is feeling rather blah as well – this week’s awards were a stuggle for both of us after such a dismal week. Let’s hope next week is better…with all of this 200th episode nonsense, there are bound to be bloopers galore 😉

Biggest Harbinger of Doom that “Rock Week” Was Going to Be a Failure: The removal of the black dance floor 30 minutes before showtime; (dis)honorable mention for wardrobe ix-naying Brooke’s leather dress

Courtney: Ok, so technically this didn’t happen during the show, but when Twitter was abuzz with these two nuggets of information mere minutes before showtime, I had to wonder: “Is this night going to be a total disaster?” The answer: yep. I knew the dance floor must have either been a hazard to the dancers (perhaps too slick, as indicated by Lacey’s slip during the dress rehearsal, which she vehemently scolded Kyle for…poor kid!) or was messing with the lighting, since it was so shiny, but whatever it was…they must’ve been pretty damn desperate for options if they decided it had to go A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED. I have to wonder if it maybe affected some of the routines negatively, since the couples had done the rehearsal on that floor and were likely used to it – if it was indeed too slick, maybe Derek & Jennifer made a point of really roughing up their shoes in order to get some traction, and then when they switched back to the regular floor, the extra grip made them stiff & wobbly. Maybe Maks had the same problem, which is why he wobbled a bit when he dipped Brandy during their tango. Who knows. And then Brooke tweeted that her dress had been vetoed by the “Boob Patrol” – had to wonder just how treacherous this dress was, if they decided to scrap it and go with something else with so little time left to spare. Personally I think we’re about due for another good wardrobe malfunction…I’d love to see the censors blow a gasket if Brooke had a bit of a nip slip 😛

Heidi: Did you notice during the opening blather when all the couples were standing on the floor that Derek was looking down at the floor and scuffing it with his foot?? Harbinger of doom indeed. Not just the difference in the floor between dress rehearsal and the show, but the frenzy that pulling it up 30 minutes before showtime that likely got passed to everyone involved. So yeah, this all occurred to me too. And the first tendrils of…concern?…were born. 🙂

The Anna Trebunskaya “Lost in Translation” Word O’ the Week: “Curtains” instead of “Cardinals”

Courtney: Oh, that adorable, unassuming, unintentionally funny little redheaded Russian of ours 🙂 Last week she was comparing Walter Payton to the Russian space dogs Belka & Strelka (who, I have learned through wikipedia, were the first Earth-born creatures to go into space and return alive – if you’re a dork like me and wanna hear the full, interesting story, go here.) This week she was trying to illustrate her methods of coaxing aggression out of Kurt for their paso: reminding him that his team lost in the Superbowl. However, what should have been “cardinals” came out sounding more like “curtains”. Not sure if the word was just escaping her, or she was having trouble saying “Kurt” and “cardinals” in the same sentence, but it just sounded really, really cute. I just love Anna 🙂

Heidi: My DVR musta cut that out. 🙂 Seriously – I missed it. And I’m feeling inordinately cranky right now. “This show sucks” level of cranky. 🙂 That’s MY fucking THEME for the week! How do you like that one, asshat producers??!?!

Asshat O’ the Week Award: Carrie Ann Inaba; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey Schwimmer

Courtney: A few weeks back it was Bruno just being flamboyantly insulting…this time it was Carrie Ann just kinda being, well…bitchy. And arrogant. I mentioned in my rankings that it really rubbed me the wrong way when she told Jennifer that she needed to “calm down” and seemed as though she took it as a personal insult that Jennifer didn’t do so hot this week. What, like they’re all there to dance for YOUR viewing pleasure, Carrie Ann? And you’re gonna tell them to calm down like you’re the parent and they’re rowdy kids disrupting your soap opera viewing? What are you gonna do next, spank them like you tried unsuccessfully to do to Maks a few weeks ago? It’s just not a manner that I think adults should talk to other adults in. The crankiness continued with Kurt, whom she just kinda brushed off, saying “It wasn’t good. It didn’t come together. Sorry.” Granted, there was a half-assed attempt at an apology (if you can call it that) when it came down to Audrina & Tony and Jennifer & Derek under the red lights, but even then, she just kinda glossed over it, saying “Yah, I was hard on Jen, but she deserves to be there.” Heidi tells me that Carrie Ann had been getting some pretty nasty @replies on Twitter all day…maybe this was a feeble attempt to save face. I did have to snicker that they seemed to deliberately replay clips of her bitchiness during the results show, hehe. Jeez…you know it’ s a weird season when Len is the most likeable judge up there! As for Lacey – she seemed unusually tantrum-y this week, and I can’t tell if she’s just getting flustered with Kyle or she’s coming to realize that she’s really gonna have to step up her choreo to please the judges and stand a chance against some of the other couples that are left. Screaming during rehearsals. Screaming at him after she slipped during their dress rehearsal (that looked particularly nasty :-(). Screaming at him when he slipped up during their performance. Yikes.

Heidi: Carrie Ann Inaba can kiss my lily white ass. How’s that for bitchy?? 🙂 Ya know what? It makes you look stupid when you say shit like that to contestants and then have the nerve to be all outraged that they’re “in jeopardy” – like you had no hand in it at all. And Lacey?? STFU. The end.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “ANGRY ROCK MOB!!! YES!!!”

Courtney: Once again, Tom diffuses a terribly awkward situation (in this case, the audience still booing quite loudly long after Kurt & Anna got their scores) by not only being funny, but managing to tie in the night’s theme 🙂 God I love that man. I’d love to get stuck in a mosh pit with him anytime!

Heidi: I thought I had dibs on The Bergeron??? Are you poaching?? 🙂

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week, Part Deux: “Bandana Boy is Goin’ DOWN!” (in reference to Apolo Ohno)

Heidi: He manages to give that the emphasis that Kristi is too sweet to manage. 🙂 Cracks my shit up. Poor Brooke, trying to ad lib a follow up to that, murmuring something about it being “on” now.

Courtney: Kristi gives, quite possibly, the most PC little spiel ever about the team dances, and then Tom punctuates it with this one. He was like a kid who had downed an entire back of Pixi Sticks this week, with the comments he was making! LOL 😛

The WTF?! Costuming Award of the Week, Female: Lacey’s feathered, gartered, corseted nightmare of a tango dress

Courtney: Word to the wise: dressing like Adam Lambert only works for Adam Lambert…and even then it sometimes still looks ridiculous. The garter/skirt (which reminded me vaguely of her dress from her Viennese waltz with Steve-O) with the boyshorts underneath just seemed to make her thighs look huge, and I couldn’t stop focusing on the feathers on the shoulders. I really wish the wardrobe folks would stop indulging her every edgy, rebellious whim…

Heidi:What the hell was she wearing?? Who thinks to cross a merry widow with a skirt?? And then pile more crap on top of it? In no way do I think Lacey is heavy – not at all – but I have to say that the cut of the skirt with the shorts was just not a flattering look on her. But then, it might not be flattering on anyone.

The WTF?! Costuming Award of the Week, Male: Maks’ Stormtrooper pants/shoes

Courtney: The top was ok, if not slightly Hans Solo-ish, but between the shoes and boots – he may as well have been an extra in Star Wars. Seemed to make him look kinda flat-footed. Brandy was equally as bad in some Halloween costume store metallic leggings…and which judge was comparing them to something out of Mad Max? Bruno? I know the costumes are slightly reminiscent of that movie, but “Holding Out for a Hero” is almost iconically associated with the famous chicken-played-on-tractors scene in Footloose. I kept wondering when the tractors were gonna come rolling in during this tango.

Heidi: What he did to Brandy was worse – Silver pants?? Girlfriend has great legs – you know, rocker chicks wear skirts too. And those stormtrooper pants didn’t do him the favors that his Marathon Pants did…do you want babies someday, Maks?? Then step away from the pleather. Heat and friction and tight quarters = bad for the swimmers. 🙂

The “Holy Shit it never fails to Impress” Award: Kym Johnson for her AT Dress from the Top 10 Dances

Heidi: Dayum, I’m jealous of the rockin’ bod Kym has going on in her Argentine Tango dress from Season 9, even two seasons later. I was impressed all over again. Little did I know that it would be one of the few times that I would be impressed on Monday Night.

Courtney: Kym is hotttttt. Huh huh, huh huh.

The “Holy Shit that’s a Nice BUTT” Award: Derek Hough and Maksim Chmerkovskyi

Heidi: The gift that keeps on giving. And something for everyone. Like them big and burly with dark hair?? In this corner we have Maks of the mesmerizing marathon butt. Like them blond and slender and fast? In this corner we have Derek of the tight, tight…buns….:::thud:::

Courtney: Call me crazy but I wasn’t paying attention. I was crabby and I’m really more of a pec girl anyway. Speaking of which…I miss the Situation 😉

Heidi: I’m feeding you lots of wine next week, girly. Priorities, priorities – butts are high on the list!!

Best Use of Guyliner in a Ballroom Competition: Derek Hough; Honorable Mention – Rick Fox

Heidi: Not only does guyliner really make Derek’s blue eyes pop, but it’s a press tool too. He jokingly cracks that it’s the guyliner’s fault that he and Jennifer screwed up their dance. He creates this relatively elaborate tale about sweat, etc. ending with: “If you’re a guy, don’t use eyeliner.” And proceeds to make fools out of half the press corp who borrow the story from the original source and who proceed to print it as if it WEREN’T a joke. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t pathetic. As for Rick Fox – well he just looks hot in it. 🙂 Hey, when the show generally sucks you guys are going to hear a whole lot about Derek and hot male butts because that was pretty much all there was for me. Well, The Bergeron, too. 🙂 Who I’m sure has a very nice butt.

Courtney: Good ol’ Rick – I get the feeling he’s someone who rolls with the punches very well. Cheryl tells him he’s getting a faux hawk? “Ok!” Guyliner? “Sure, why not?” Wish I had more to say but…yah, guyliner looks good. Damn these awards suck this week 🙁 Sorry guys…

Heidi: Hey, we work with what we’re given. And what we were given made us exceedingly cranky. There ain’t enough wine in the world…

Award for LOL Moment, Non-Tom Bergeron Instigated: Derek Hough

Heidi: Poor Derek, ditched under the red light. Shit like that should happen more often because I LOL’ed at the way he hunched himself over like a scared little nerd. And really, how often can a pro intentionally make the Master of the Funny, Tom Bergeron, laugh without pinching his ass?? Derek seems to manage at least once a season.

Courtney: I gotta give him props for handling it way better than Karina did when the Sitch stepped over to shake Bolt’s hand during the week he was eliminated…she was freaking the hell out.

The “Oh Please Frickin’ Spare Me” Award: The producers for another time wasting bit from all the contestants discussing how they want to win, how they’re tired, blah blah blah.

Heidi: Oh shut the hell up. :::rolls eyes:::

Courtney: Agreed.

The Broad Still Has IT Award: Ann and Nancy Wilson (HEART)

Heidi: Gee, look at that, current pop tarts!! You CAN sing live and sound pretty kick ass, even though you are not getting any younger. Dang, I love me some Heart. The pro dance was okay – still prefer the old way of doing them sans musical guest. Ah well. I’m sure that someone will say they didn’t sound that good – someone who’s a fan of Britney or some other chickie who always sounds good because she’s always lip syncing.

Courtney: I still say Ann Wilson sounds just as good now – if not better! – than she did 20 years ago. And Nancy Wilson is just freakin’ beautiful…looks fantastic for someone that is supposedly going through a divorce right now. I really wish they had ix-nayed some of the filler (see above award) and had Heart sing a 2nd song – “Alone”, “What About Love”, “These Dreams”, “Crazy on You”, “Never”…take your pick, they all rock. I really wish one of them would do the show in an upcoming season…someone’s gotta salvage the reputation of 80s rockers after Belinda Carlisle got the boot so early!

The “Oh Dear God it Runs in the Family and It’s Skeery” Award: Mark Ballas

Heidi: So when he and Bristol are standing up on the steps and Brooke is reading her speil “Are they safe, or did the viewers..blah blah”, Mark actually is staring without blinking – like he’s fallen asleep with his eyes open. Skeery. Not as skeery as his dad last week, but still. The worst part is that when he is sleeping he slouches so he looks even more like a little tiny man next to Bristol. 🙂

Courtney: Once again, my theory on Mark’s birth: Shirley isn’t really his mom. Corky just split down the middle like a paramecium and the result was Mark.

Heidi: Bwhahahaha…and she pulls one out folks!! Mark the amoeba!! I almost aspirated my diet Coke. 🙂

DWTS Season 11, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Fasten your seat belts, kids, we’re in for a long and bumpy ride!!

Award for the Biggest, Fattest, Cheesiest Waste of Time this Season So Far: The Judges discuss the Contestants on Performance Night.

Heidi: This annoyed the living hell out of me. So, the producers need to kill a HALF AN HOUR to make it a two hour show?? And they do this by having the judges blather on about each of the couples. Then they show snippets of each the contestants dances that they think are their best ones?? HELLO?!?! We’re only in Week 5 – your audience isn’t THAT stupid (well, most of them aren’t, anyway). I will speak for much of the audience (going by the disgust being vented on Twitter) when I say – “we can make up our own damn minds about what we think are the best dances and who our favorite couples are.” ABC, find ANOTHER show to put in the slot where DWTS was and shorten the damn show as you lose couples. Gawd. My HD TV is much harder to watch with a shoe sticking out of the middle of it.

Courtney: I see you’ve resorted to the ol’ “foot through the TV” maneuver I’m so fond of, Heidi 😉 But I agree…good grief…I get home from a long (ok, it was only 3 days) trip away from home, anxious to watch the cache of DWTS fabulosity on my DVR, and what do I get? A half hour of worthless schlock from the damn judges before I actually get to see any dancing. Can we say filler? If I wanted to hear those 3 blather on any more than they already do when giving their post-dance critiques (and no, I don’t want to hear any more than that), I’d just download the Tiny Bruno app for iPhone…oh wait, already did 😉 IMO…waaaaay funnier than the real thing, and when you want it to shut up, you just close the app! BRILLIANT!

Award for Most Distracting Hair Styles: Derek Hough, for appearing to be a Brunette. Honorable Mention: Maks Chmerkovskiy for attempting a Snookie poof AND shaving

Heidi: Seriously, my twitter feed for PDH was clogged with people going, “DID DEREK DYE HIS HAIR??!?!” You’d have thought he’d broken an arm or something. Of course, my initial reaction to the hair was, “EEEP!!! NO!!” so I guess I’ve no room to talk. Then when I saw Maks I wondered what the hell was wrong with his face. It looked…clean. I don’t like it when it looks clean. I like the scruffy on Maks. And what the hell was up with the poof on the top of his head?? What was that supposed to represent?? Or has his tendency to throw other people under the bus caused his head to get pointy?? Like a Pinocchio thing only on the top of his head? 🙂

Courtney: I didn’t really notice Derek’s hair so much (sorry, the 5 hour drive had worn me out and I was just trying to stay awake and watch the performance show at this point!), but I agree that Maks definitely looked odd completely clean-shaven. Very…prepubescent. Were they going for the Chandler Bing look? I’m thinkin’ yes…would explain the slicked back pseudo-pompadour as well. Oh, the 90s…surprised they didn’t try to slap a “Rachel” wig on Brandy, or break out into an impromptu version of “Smelly Cat” in the middle of their quickstep. I would’ve given that dance a perfect score!!!

Award for Most Obvious Display of Dementia: Len Goodman – the whole show.

Heidi: Where do I start?? Len liked the monkey suit. HE LIKED THE MONKEY SUIT and then dissed Jennifer for holding a feather duster before the music for their dance even started. WTF?? He said their little bit at the beginning of the dance was too theatrical. ON THEME NIGHT. So I guess the monkey suit was a representation of Bristol’s song, but NOT theatrical?? And Brandy sitting in the audience with a lollypop was just good old “Friend”ly fun? Hey Len, why don’t you try talking to the producers and tell them to quit with the cheesy-assed theme nights if you don’t like the theatrics they naturally produce. If that doesn’t work, how about you get the stick out of your ass and at least attempt to judge all the contestants the same – don’t yell at Kyle and Jennifer for doing the exact same things as Brandy and Bristol. How’s that for a freakin’ start?? Any other night it wouldn’t have been as noticeable – but the MONKEY SUIT?? Are you f@#king kidding me??? I know you guys are always telling one couple one thing and then something different for other couples – but this is taking it to a whole new extreme.

Courtney: I’m still trying to figure out how lollipop = Friends nostalgia. A latte would’ve made more sense 🙂 But anywho…I digress. I think I just tried to tune out the judges as much as possible and focus on the mediocre dancing I was seeing. While I do agree that Len needed some Gerovital after being as much of a hypocrite as he was the other night, I think the monkey suits may have been the only things he saw as praiseworthy in that jive – and when I say “praiseworthy”, I mean “Wow, it’s a wonder you didn’t pass out just doing that short little bit of jive before you (unsuccessfully) tore off the monkey suits!” THAT was one of the worst jives I’ve ever seen…even Bolton didn’t don a monkey suit! And really, on TV theme night, when you’re expected to convey the theme you’re given…aren’t you kinda SUPPOSED to piddle around with props and shit? I mean, the way he’s putting it – lollipops and monkey suits = fun, but featherdusters & disco = WRONG. It’s like one of those weird analogies they give you on the verbal portion of the SAT. Then again, Len did pitch a fit about Mya’s featherdusting back in season 9…maybe he just has something against featherdusters? And maybe, by extension (no pun intended), feathered hair? Thus the dislike of Lacey & Kyle’s foxtrot? I’m reaching, aren’t I?

Heidi: A for effort, Courtney. A for effort. 🙂 It’s as good an explanation as any.

Award for the Most Awesome Display of Logic When Faced with Crack-addled Judges: Tom Bergeron – “Wait, didn’t you just want Bristol in the Monkey suit longer??!?!”

Heidi: Bless you, Tom Bergeron, for having a tendency to say exactly what I’m thinking at just the right time and with just the right about of amused indignation. Marry me. 🙂

Courtney: God bless Tom for making the judges feel appropriately nincompoopish. Reminds me of when the lovely Cat Deeley called the SYTYCD judges out on a rather hypocritical statement they made this past season…you could almost feel a collective “OOOOH! BURRRRN!” by the audience, and at that moment everyone wanted to be BFF with Cat. I want Tom & Cat to get married and have little TomCat babies that are fabulously charismatic and poised and ridiculously funny…but would they end up human redwoods like Cat, or pocket-sized like Tom? Hmmmmm….

Award for Ickiest Gross-Out Moment of Performance Night: Barry Williams/Florence Henderson

Heidi: The whole Barry/Florence aura and ensuing discussions was, frankly, way too much for me. Just. No. And how is it that Barry looks older than Florence?? Drugs?? No, seriously, I’m really asking. I have to give him props for the “He’s younger than BOBBY!” line though. LOL

Courtney: Barry just hasn’t aged well at all – and I would venture a guess that it was due to some hard-partying in his younger, handsomer days. He was pretty hot, by 60s & 70s standards! But even though she isn’t his real mom…there’s something icky of Oedipus proportions there that just makes my stomach churn thinking of those two doing…er, nevermind. Let’s pretend that didn’t just happen.

Award for the Hugest WTF??? in Costuming: The Monkey Suits. Honorable Mention: Florence Henderson.

Heidi: What exactly is going through Mark Ballas’ head that he would put Bristol in a monkey suit?? Please, someone, explain this to me. The only thing I can think of is that Mark always thinks “cartoon” when he hears the word jive – I mean, he usually dresses his partners like Minnie Mouse on crack for that dance. Maybe that was getting too boring and staid for him. So, he put a monkey suit OVER the Minnie Mouse on Crack. Two birds, one stone. Mark, start paying attention to Derek. He told you you were nuts (heh-pardon the expression) when you wore those little tiny red shorts to dance with Shawn and he said “never” to putting one of his partners in a monkey suit too. He shouldn’t have to tell you these things, really. But you know what? It runs in the family, because Ballas Senior had Florence Henderson dressed like Mrs. Santa Clause and that somehow signified “Brady Bunch” to him. Mrs. Clause on crack, I should say. Or a life sized Christmas package. On crack. Or a Scottish Highlander in the depths of winter. On crack. Or, like the sofa in Pee Wee’s Playhouse – look, you can sit on it AND it dances!! On crack.

Courtney: Crack is whack, Heidi. While you may be onto something with your Mark Ballas Cartoon Jive theory, I just think he’s given up to the point that he might actually be TRYING to get sent home…and what better way to get people to think you’re a total joke than to don a monkey suit? Hmmm…the tiny red shorts…as I recall, there was a suspicious bulge in them there shorts that ended up all over The Soup and Best Week Ever that week…but once again, I digress. Oh the housecoat that Flo wore…I don’t ever recall Mrs. Brady wearing one, but I think it was a Jan thing. She was always the dowdy one. That particular coat reminded me of these plaid nightgowns (with matching caps!) that my mom bought my sister and I for Christmas one year when we were little and insisted on taking oodles of pix of us wearing them by the Christmas tree. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that trauma…I still refuse to wear plaid…

Heidi: ::singing:: “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay, I drink all night and I sleep all day.” Name that show…no, really, name it because I can hear the song but can’t think of the musical act. It’s the plaid’s fault.

Award for Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “So we’ve learned that Tony got punked by Richard Gere.”

Heidi: Bwahaha…well, that’s what you get, Tony, for being a big ole cheesy name dropper AND torturing your partner by getting her to bite into an onion. Was that really the wife’s idea? If I were you, I would disregard what Gere tells you – especially if it has to do with hamsters. Word to the wise.

Courtney: HAMSTERS!!!! Bwahahahahaha. I’d like to also call this award the “Most Misguided Piece of Advice” award, because whoever told Tony that rubbish about onions & garlic before a love scene (pssssh, Richard Gere my ass! Oh wait…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) probably hadn’t done many love scenes in his or her day…because that would seriously make ANY costar recoil in disgust and dry up any ounce of romance in a love scene. But hey…maybe rodents dig onions and garlic 😉

Heidi: We are cracking me up. LOL. Bet we’re making John REALLY uncomfortable right now. 😉

Award for Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance in Costuming – Week 5: Kyle Massey

Heidi: And the internet screamed, “It’s ISSAC from the LOVE BOAT!!” So why were they dancing to Charlie’s Angels?? Of course, from a pair that didn’t know who the Eagles are I would expect them to also think that Charlie’s Angels were Drew Barrymore, Lucy Lieu and Cameron Diaz, not realizing we are talking TV THEMES, not the movies. HOWEVER, after Lacey’s simulating “Kids in the Hall” last week, I have to wonder if the production crew are having a bit of fun with this seemingly rather clueless pair. “Hehehe…let’s dress him as Issac from the Love Boat and tell them it’s Bosley from the TV show.” Um, no. Kyle, for someone in the entertainment business, I would think that you at least took a gander at Nick at Night or TV Land once in your short life.

Courtney: He looked like a strange hybrid of Isaac from The Love Boat, Shaft, and Richard Pryor pre-setting himself on fire. Oh, and vaguely like Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction (Tarantino represent!) without the potty mouth and the glock. I’m sure Lacey had something to do with it – you could tell she was just loving her little shampoo commercial moment with the wind blowing in her feathered blonde hair. Those two are attention FIENDS – I don’t think they even give a rat’s ass about what their costuming conveys as long as it’s attention-grabbing. And I am just so over the whole Charlie’s Angels craze – every damn wedding picture I see on facebook has all the bridesmaids striking the famous pistol-wielding pose, and I about wanted to smack both Chelsie & Kym (both whom I love) for doing the breathy “Hello Charlie” while striking that damn pose. It’s so over, ladies…don’t let Lacey (or the producers) convince you to do it again.

Award for Most Misplaced Celebraquarium Honesty: Bristol Palin. (Dis)Honorable Mention: Lacey Schwimmer.

Heidi: Bristol, I’m really not sure it’s a good idea to say, “The Jive SUCKS”. While I admire your honesty, crap like that always comes back to bite you. Like in a Lindy Hop/Jive Marathon, for example. As for Lacey, raucous laughter at your judge’s scores almost certainly guarantees your partner a 4 paddle next week unless you produce a killer routine. Well, I would look for a 4 anyway, Kyle and Bristol both, because I think the judges have realized that if they want the BAD dancers to leave before the GOOD dancers do, they have to score appropriately and lay off the drugs. Bristol should have gone home on Tuesday, but they gave her 6s – in watching the dance again, it was worse than I thought. They will want her or Kyle gone so prepare for the worst. Unless they don’t care if they lose Audrina, that is.

Courtney: For some reason, I kinda appreciated Bristol’s candor – poor girl has been pretty PC (and NOT in the literal sense…so help me god, the next person who tries to insinuate that the GOP is somehow behind Bristol’s every move is getting called out for their wanton idiocy – you know who you are) up until now, generally being pretty polite and quiet despite being embarassed or upset. Good to finally see some sort of strong emotion out of her. As for Lacey – I damn near put my foot through the TV when she decided to punctuate their receipt of their scores with raucous, arrogant laughter. And no, that was not nervous laughter – it was “Screw you, I’m awesome and you don’t know what you’re talking about so !$%@ off!” laughter. Lacey, if I were you, I’d reign it in – if this season’s scoring is any indicator, the scores can fluctuate suspiciously from judge to judge and dance to dance, for no apparent reason…just sayin’…

Heidi: Not to mention the fact that it’s only by the grace of God and Edyta Sliwinska that you are even ON the show this season.

Award for the Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Intentionally Cheesed: The Faux Commercials on the Results Show.

Heidi: Under the category of “they’re so bad, they’re good” we have a couple of commercials that actually cracked me up. I have to give Mark Ballas credit for guts going shirtless with torn pants in that Bruno commercial – and I’m totally not surprised that he was good at the Cheesy. The Easy Steps had Rick being hilariously cheesy and caused the internet to light up with offers to Derek. Everything from asking for overnight shipping to fights over who got him first. An estimated value of $150?? Not going by what I saw on twitter. But what really got me to laugh out loud was the VERY END of the David Hasselhoff commercial, where he pops into frame with a false mustache and says “Habla Espanole”. Hilarious.

Courtney: Mark looked far, far too excited to be doing that commercial 😉 And Lacey even pulled out her beloved razor blade bra for the occasion! I think Bruno sporting the wifebeater tank was a strategic move on his part to try and intimidate anybody still trying to avenge Bolton…look at those tan, oily guns! Oh Easy Steps…if only they could also make toast, balance my checkbook, and satisfy other urges…but I digress once more 😉 Poor Hoff – they had to throw him a frickin’ bone after the uber-early elim. This was the only way they could think of – but at least he seemed coherent, and pretty damn funny!

Heidi: Satisfying urges? I think you missed the part of Easy Steps where if you call within 12 minutes, you get a world class dancer for free. $150 dollar value. Since Derek is already being shipped overnight to me, I bet you could get, like, Jonathan or Alec. 🙂

The “Oh PLEASE Shut Up About Team Smurgles Already” Award: Kyle Massey

Heidi: Dear lord, does Kyle have Smurgles Tourettes Syndrome or what? Does that word just spontaneously burst out at least once per sentence?? Can we PLEASE make it stop????

Courtney: What the hell is a Smurgle? One of the Muppets? A type of hors doeuvre? The noise it makes when you put a straw in Jell-O and blow?

Heidi: The sound a wet fart makes? Oh. I think I just grossed myself out.

The Karma is a Bitch Award – Week 5: Tony Dovolani

Heidi: So there’s grumpy Tony back stage complaining that Carrie Ann “likes to go at me” and that “there was NO LIFT” and then a beautiful thing happened – those evil little producers whip out the instant replay which clearly shows both of Audrina’s feet off the ground. LOL!!! Hilarious. Dude, that’s twice this season that your mouth has gotten you in trouble – did you pee in the producers cornflakes?? Too much complaining about your typical quality of partner?? 🙂 Or are they just plain fun folks who like to embarrass those who make such definitive statements?? 🙂 I laughed like the evil wench that I am.

Courtney: Murphy’s Law of Lifting on DWTS: if you swear up & down there was no lift, they will go back and replay the footage in slow mo to prove you wrong. No amount of onion & garlic consumption could’ve saved you from that one, brah.

The Lon Cheney/Boris Karloff Award for being Krazy Scary (aka I am really a Wax Figure of Frankenstein Award): Corky Ballas

Heidi: Dude, did you SEE his barely blinking, grinning stare into the camera at the end of the show when Brooke was doing the spiel for each of the three couples standing up there?? It lasted forever. He was skerring me like crazy. I was thinking he was going to suddenly turn to Derek and strangle him and then carry either Florence or Jennifer off, grunting. I was looking for the bolts in his neck!! It was like someone said, “CHEESE” – he smiled and they shot him full of botox and he stuck that way. :::shiver:::

Courtney: I must’ve missed that part…thankfully…*shudder*

Costume Cheap Skate Award: Rick & Cheryl’s cop costumes

Courtney: Ok, it was blatantly clear to me this week that the costume department may have gotten a bit lazy and just run down to the Halloween store (hey, tis the season, right?) and bought some of this week’s costumes – because some of them looked downright low-budget. The worst offenders were definitely Rick & Cheryl – the wardrobe department may as well have used the store-bought variety (and maybe just bedazzled them) and saved a ton of money, rather than making these. Hell, they could’ve even saved a trip to the costume shop and picked up Rick’s cop costume at the same time they picked up the pimp suit for Chad’s jive last season. For those of you wanting to get the “Rick Fox in the key of Hill Street Blues” look (at a fraction of the cost!), simply go to buycostumes.com and snatch up the Sexy Policeman costume – it’s on clearance!!! Get it while it lasts, kids!

Heidi: Did they at least get some candy?? Candy sounds really good right now. You know those Reese’s Pumpkins that they have at this time of year?? Yup, that sounds good to me. Anyway, you know what it was – it was the bedazzled pocket. It ruined the whole look. 🙂

Most Head-Scratch-Inducing Analogy from a Judge: Len comparing ~~Jennifer & Derek~~ Rick and Cheryl to a “couple staying together for the sake of the children” during their ~~foxtrot~~rumba

Courtney: Ok, I may be a divorce kid, but I’m not quite sure how a couple “staying together for the kids” would look dancing a rumba…would they be bickering the whole time? Crying? Apathetic? I’d rather see a rumba from a “couple who are expecting a baby but the father could be the husband’s twin brother” or a paso doble from “siblings who are on the lam for stealing a fortune from a wealthy banker” or a lindy hop from a “couple who are being torn apart by their flatulence”. Soooo much easier to convey, don’t you think? 😉

Heidi: How did this become a fart post? All the cheese? 🙂 But seriously, you said it earlier – Crack is Whack. Len, you aren’t Tom Bergeron. Quit trying.

Most Hilarious Analogy to Football from an Eastern European: Anna comparing Walter Payton to the 2 Russian dogs who went into space

Courtney: Reason #2,458 I love Anna: she’s unintentionally hilarious, and it usually stems from her Russian heritage. This was no exception…when Kurt throws out Walter Payton as a “legend”, Anna comes back with “those two Russian dogs who went into space”. I had to giggle – and god bless her, she stuck with it! She was adamant that those dogs were every bit as famous as Walter. I love how her Russianness seems to peek through in the cutest, funniest ways 😛

Heidi: OMG, you read my mind – I was totally googling “russian dogs” and laughing at Kurt’s immediate Walter Payton reference (he did a dance too – Google is your friend). Best part was their confessional the next night when Kurt was poking fun at Anna for totally calling out his walking in front of 20 million people and she’s making little tiny dog noises and he’s like “bad dog”. Hilarious. These two are pretty cute together.

That’s it for tonight, folks. And remember – CRACK is WHACK. 🙂

DWTS11 Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Sorry for the delay, folks – we’ve had one hell of a week at our respective day jobs (heh, and side blogs). I know we’re leaving something out of this one – because the question “why was Karina wearing a tea cup on her head?” keeps running through my brain. 🙂 Well, in one camera shot it DID look like a tea cup. Could have been the wine, I suppose….Heidi

Award for Best Time Killer – Long opening rumba by Chelsie and Dmitry

Heidi: Very beautiful dance, but after a few minutes I realized that the producers were terrified the show would run short. 😉 Maybe I was crazy, but it seemed longer than most of the contestant’s dances.

Courtney: It was indeed a rather long-winded dance…and a bit redundant at times. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it – but it even seemed longer than Anna D.’s Argentine tango demo. And it looks like they took the costume Chelsie wore for her pro dance with Damian to Sade last season and cut back some of the excess (and I do mean excess!) fabric and were like “Here, wear this.” Seemed a little hastily thrown together, like the whole thing was improvised at the last minute…even though we know it was planned ahead of time.

The Spouse of the Night Award – Mrs. Kurt Warner, for taking some well placed shots at hubby during his and Anna’s package.

Heidi: Hilarious. You go girl. Way to puncture that football player ego that was concerned you’d be worried about him dancing a rumba (poorly).

Courtney: To really drive the point home about her being “okay” with it, she should have done an impromptu lambada with Jonathan. 😉

Heidi: Better yet…a better Rumba. 🙂 “Here, honey, THIS is how it’s done.”

Award for the Cheesiest Fake Pickup Line of the Night – “These are for you, Brandy” by Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: These are the moments where I find Maks to be utterly charming. Hilarious, complete with a Cheesy grin. Why does he feel the need to balance the charm out with the other stuff?? 🙂

Courtney: Poor guy. I feel like he was actually making and honest effort to be “romantic” and Brandy basically like “You’re doing it wrong!” Hence, the goofy-grinned, half-laughing “Deese are for you, Bran-dee!” (that’s the best way I can phonetically interpret Maks’ accent :-P) But I agree, totally endearing. 😉

Heidi: It gives me the feeling that Maks typically walks into a bar, bares a little chest, and women throw themselves at his feet, completely eliminating ANY need for romantic chops. 🙂 Hell, who needs good English?? The accent will get them every time. Are we sure he’s from the Ukraine? 😉

The “Nice Try” in Costuming Award – Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: I gotta give him props for trying to disguise some stiff hips, but even a huge bed sheet didn’t accomplish that. In fact, I wonder if such a costume makes the judges look harder at her hips than they might have otherwise because they are on to the costuming tricks.

Courtney: I actually really liked this costume, but I agree that at times the fabric overlay really seemed to obscure her entire body movement – not just her hips. It seemed like an intermediate between Pam’s rumba costume last season, and the aforementioned costume Chelsie wore when she danced with Damian, only white. I do think that when pros put a celeb that we know has a decent body into something so…well, COVERING, it almost screams “Yep, I’m trying to hide something!” Usually it’s a lack of technique…but who knows, they may also have just indulged in a little too much cheesecake off the craft services table 😉

Award for the Biggest Balls on a Female Pro – Karina Smirnoff

Heidi: Jesus, Karina – I’m on record as calling you extraordinarily brave a few weeks ago when we did the Pros and Cons of the Pros posts for your willingness to go flying through the air with the greatest of ease – and no net – but that was with other pro dancers!! But to do THOSE lifts with a rank, not very talented, amateur? Serious cojones, girl. Serious. I had wondered which professional would go for all lifts and no dance, but I never expected it to be you!! That’s not a criticism – I understand your rationale completely. Brave.

Courtney: I’m still miffed that the judges chose to tear these two a new one instead of acknowledging the sheer athleticism of their routine this week – they were KILLING those lifts! I don’t think any other routine that night could match up to them when it came to lifts. But yes, points for Karina for bravery – “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you fling me up in the air, I’ll rotate 360 degrees, and then you’ll catch me. No biggie…we’ll just practice on this couch backstage. No need for helmet, pads, or an ambulance on standby…I trust you, Sitch! And then you can hoist me up on your shoulder, fling me around while just holding my wrist & ankle, and slide me around the stage like a hockey puck. It’s gonna be GREAT!”

Most Awesome (probably Unintentional) Comedy Reference – Lacey does “Kids in the Hall”

Heidi: I crush your head! I crush your head!! LMFAO! Considering that Lacey didn’t know who the Eagles are, she probably got lucky (or one of the cameramen/producers told her to do it) with that particular comedic gem.

Courtney: It just struck me as typical Lacey behavior, reacting in a mischievous, juvenile way when she wants attention. I too doubt she’s familiar with Kids in the Hall – too old and too cerebral for her tastes 😉

Cheesiest New Costuming Obesssion – Lacey Schwimmer and the Tutu

Heidi: I believe my first thought was WTF?? My second thought was that Lacey has started her own trend because she was jealous of Cheryl’s sheer skirt “thing”. 🙂 At least Cheryl’s favorite clothing looks great on her. I hated the tutu look. Just. No. To both the long and short versions.

Courtney: Knowing Lacey, you’re probably right about that one – if Cheryl got a costume gimmick, she wanted one too. And clearly, hers is ruffles. Lots of ‘em. TOO MANY. But I think what bugged me more this week was the black embroidery going down one of the stocking legs…blech. Ruined her leg lines, which already aren’t stellar because her legs are shorter than a lot of the other female pros. The overall look reminded me of something that she probably wore when she was competing in Latin as a preteen. Oh well, maybe she’s just trying to be age-appropriate where Kyle’s concerned…although I’m sure he’s probably holding out for a nip slip or something, that rascal 😉

Award for The Package that Scared the Hell out of me – Team Florky

Heidi: I started getting nervous when Tom announced they were coming up next. By the time we got to Naked!Corky, I was having a full blown panic attack. I could completely relate to Mark laying his head on the table and laughing like a loon. Ya know, I totally admire her willingness to be SEXY! and think she should be able to do that if and when she wants. I just don’t really want to watch it. Really, really don’t.

Courtney: Cut out by my DVR, thank goodness.

Heidi: Are you sure that wasn’t hysterical blindness? Because your DVR cuts out at really convenient times. 🙂 The best thing about that package, by the way, was “Inappropriate” – wish someone (Derek) would have held one of those signs in front of Mark’s bare chest when he was getting his scores, instead of a pillow. 🙂

Award for the Most Shocking (and Most Funny) Pro Smackdown of the Night – Len To Mark “More ‘we’ and less ‘me’”

Heidi: Wow. Called out by 2 judges! Has anyone gotten called out by two of them like that before for something that wasn’t breaking the rules?? I’m quite conflicted by this actually. I agree with the judges that the last two Mark/Bristol dances were all about Mark showing how good he was, and that annoyed me to some degree. BUT at the same time, I understand why Mark is doing it. If Bristol just can’t cope with the dance and he needs to draw attention away from her flaws, I get it. But I also don’t think Bristol is AS bad as a lot of people are saying. I think she has potential – so why can’t Mark get that out of her? Really as much as I like the Situation more than her, she’s a better dancer.

Courtney: Agree about Bristol – not nearly as bad as everyone is saying (I’ll even admit she is better than Sitch), but just a bit of a disappointment because she just doesn’t seem to be trying anymore. But I loved that the judges called Mark out on his “look at me!” tendencies – I always get a kick out of it when judges throw the book at the choreographers of a dance (like Nigel calling out Laurie Ann Gibson for crappy choreo on SYTYCD) rather than raking the dancers themselves across the coals for a shitty routine that really isn’t their fault. And I reiterate: the right pro can turn the most inept dancer into a star. Put your shirt back on, Marky, and really drill Bristol…er, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words… 😉

Heidi: LOL!! Don’t give him any ideas – I think his dance card is already approaching full. 🙂 At least going by rumor and innuendo.

Award for Biggest Production Screw-Up of the night – The Bizarre inability to keep the camera on the “Forever Tango” Group in the Celebraquarium.

Heidi: Part of me thinks this was a crazy ass production screw up, the other part of me was thinking “Well, it’s no surprise that Lacey and Corky can’t stay out of the camera frame as they are the two who love it most dearly”. 🙂 Maybe the reason the camera was moving all funky was the dude (ette?) was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Lacey’s Tutu??

Courtney: I think I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that the production crew this season is just sub-par. Wrong lighting, missed camera angles, awkward zoom-ins…whatever. They’re probably drunk from all the protein-infused vodka that Sitch was giving away…as Rick Fox described him on Twitter, he’s “a walking gifting suite”. 🙂

The Award for Most Awesome Display of “If Looks Could Kill” – Mark Ballas to Kyle Massey After the Results Show Recap of Kyle and Bristol’s Dances.

Heidi: Oooohhh….Mark really doesn’t like Kyle talking back to him and telling him to put a shirt on. I believe the glare was accompanied by a “Take YOUR shirt off, Kyle.” Testy testy. All is better now, apparently, since Mark mentioned that he was out at Derek’s clothing launch thing last night with Kyle and The Sitch, but I did wonder if Mark was going to do some ass whuppin’ on the kid. 🙂 Now THAT would be great TV.

Courtney: Ooh wee, looks like Marky forgot to take some Midol this week…could’ve sworn I heard cats screeching & hissing in the background on that one…

Cheesiest Time-Filler Segment of the Results Show – How to get a 10 From Len; (dis)honorable mention for the “Day in the life of a celeb on DWTS” segment

Heidi: I was prepared to be bored and roll my eyes at the whole perversion of the Len Commandments idea from last season, but then they included this season’s cast in the bit, which made it much more tolerable. A+ for Audrina for playing the pretty but stupid girl so well.

Courtney: Props to Audrina for self-deprecating humor 😉 And I got a kick out of Sitch, Kurt, and Rick all pointing fingers at each other.

Heidi: As for the “week in the life” thing…Derek’s got some nice biceps growing on him. And he’s wearing the team shirt I sent him that one of his fans from PureDerekHough.com designed. 🙂 Other than that? Worthless. Cheesy. Time filler.

Makeup Department FAIL award: Unsuccessfully attempting to cover up both Audrina & Mark’s tattoos

Courtney: They may as well have let ’em be, the way they were clearly showing through the makeup that was put over them. Not as noticeable on live TV, but if you look at some of the still photos – blantanly obvious. Have you guys not heard of Dermablend?

Heidi:Does Mark think he’s Angelina Jolie or something?? And Audrina looks like she got hit during a paintball fight…although I can’t picture her in camo and head gear carrying a paintball gun. She totally doesn’t have the shoes for it.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “Stop squeezing my ASS!”

Courtney: I about spit out my Snapple on this one. Why? Because it was TOTALLY on the fly, and Tom seemed genuinely perturbed by it. Who was it touching his ass, anyway? Corky?

Heidi:I would totally squeeze his ass given half a chance. Me thinks he doth protest too much. He totally loves it. 😉 Well, maybe he would love it more from Jennifer than from, say, TONY. 🙂

Best (Futile) Attempt at Avoiding Elimination: The Situation flexing his pecs

Courtney: Again, I reiterate: the Situation’s “situation” is nice, but “The Seduction” (what I’ve named his pecs) are what get me 😉 I wanna squeeze ’em, rub ’em, and eat dinner off of them. Mmmmgrrrr!

Heidi:Well. Ummm, ick. I really can’t think of anything else to say to that. “ICK” keeps crowding everything else out of my brain. 🙂

The “Pot, Meet Kettle” Award: Len chastising Mark for going shirtless and remarking “You don’t see me running around with my shirt off for no reason!”…and then the producers digging up the footage of him shirtless on “Dance Center”

Courtney: Yet another example of old stock footage becoming useful at exactly the right time 😉 Mark, it may have been an act of desperation, you taking your shirt off in your rumba with Bristol; but man, I was desperate to avert my eyes when I was forced to look at Len’s saggy, pasty torso! 🙁

Heidi:Well, at least Dance Center is almost ALWAYS funny. Half naked Len in the quest of comedy is actually better than Mark doffing the shirt to distract from Bristol. 🙂 It’s all about INTENT. Besides, Len’s tattoo was prettier. 😉

How did this get to be the Mark Ballas edition of the Cheesecake Awards anyway?? I have no clue. 🙂

DWTS 11, Week 3 – Cheesecake Awards!!

Let them eat CAKE!! Hope you all enjoy. Personally, I feel like I didn’t drink enough booze before writing my parts. 🙂

Most Disappointing Chickening Out – Derek Hough, for wussing on the “wild” hair.

Heidi: I was so looking forward to a Billy Idol look because of all the pre-show speculation and Derek’s comment. Then he had to go and make it all ‘normal schoolboy’ looking.

Courtney: Maybe schoolboy hair is wacky to him, hehe. He’s already done the greaser hair that Tom likened to a bird sanctuary, and the faux-hawk…at this point, normal hair almost seems wackier on him. 😛

Biggest Cheesy Sap Award -Princess Heidi

Heidi: WHAT?? Edelweiss makes me misty EVERY time!! What of it??

Courtney: Dude, that song puts me to sleep. And the actual flower edelweiss makes me sneeze like the dickens. Just take a Midol or something 😉

Heidi: Wine. I need wine. Wait…that was the problem on Monday. 🙂

Cheesiest Choreographic Move of the Night – Anna Trebunskaya, for making Kurt Warner skip; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey’s bizarre windmill movement during her & Kyle’s waltz

Heidi: OMG – how much did I love Kurt in a tiara with his little girls. But Anna, big men don’t (or shouldn’t) skip. I know what you were going for, but he didn’t pull it off. I still love him though.

Courtney: I actually really liked the skipping 😛 Kurt’s just a big teddy bear to me! But that windmill step that went on FOREVER in Kyle & Lacey’s waltz? UGH. One was plenty – Lacey did at least a bajillion.

Heidi: I forgot about that bizarre move. It might have been cooler if they had pulled it off.

Award for Choreography Creating the Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance – Louis Van Amstel

Heidi: All that talk pre-show about how emotional your story was, how good it made you feel, how it was about a girl who was overweight in high school but then became a successful showgirl – what the hell happened?? NONE of that came through in the actual dance. I kept waiting for some message. But the only thing was a big smile and rainbow fringe – which really only says I happily support gay people. That is fantastic – but it’s not what you said the dance was going to be about, and it’s not really a “story”. Color me confused – in every color of the rainbow.

Courtney: Sorry, but I could get barely get past the costumes – just gadawful. She looked like giant parrot, and Louis brought to mind Rainbow Brite – if Rainbow Brite was a petite gay man who could dance his ass off. Any smidgen of a story that there could have been was overshadowed by the blinding rainbow of pride we were visually assaulted with – and while I’m totally cool with them showing off their pride, I was kinda hoping they’d at least TRY to convey a story at the same time…which they didn’t. Although I’m a bit unsure of just HOW they’d convey the story they were planning to…maybe have some kids off to the side heckling Margaret at the beginning of the dance, and then Margaret doffs her plain-looking attire to reveal her fabulous showgirl attire and begins a show-stopping rendition of “Copacabana” while those same hecklers look on in awe? And somehow Louis fits into the picture? I know, I know…I’m reaching. The conclusion – while the message they were trying to convey was admirable, they probably should’ve gone with something that was easier to show.

Tom Bergeron Line ‘O Performance Night: – Mentioning “Stockholm Syndrome” in regard to Maks and Brandy; Honorable Mention for – “Audrina, Tony and the smoke monster from Lost”; “Len ‘Spanky’ Goodman”; and “It’s like high noon with spandex!”

Heidi: Bwahaha – he drops in these little, hysterical asides that often make me wonder how many people catch them. And if they catch them, do they get them?? I love me some smart Bergeron. Seriously – that Stockholm Syndrome line was pure fucking genius.

Courtney: Tom was full of cerebral one-liners this week – and more often than not, I’m pretty sure they just come off the top of his head, which is even more impressive. Less Brooke – more Tom 😉

Award for Couple Most Hosed by Producers – The Situation and Karina

Heidi: Black Eyed Peas for a FOXTROT??? Are you kidding me? I’m speechless. Karina looked amazing, and considering the music The Sitch didn’t do too bad – I was entertained. But I sure don’t blame him for not getting it.

Courtney: I gotta give these two MAJOR props this week – easily the worst song choice of the week, yet they somehow made it work and actually gave a performance that was oddly entertaining and memorable. Add to that the fact that The Situation is still pretty hopeless – the fact that they got a halfway decent score (let alone the encore for the week!) is miraculous. I almost wonder if the powers that be were sitting around thinking about who they wanted for the encore this week and said “Well the obvious choice would be Tony & Audrina, but since the results show is jam-packed with filler tonight, we may not have time to clear the smoke monster out before the next act. Awww hell, we kinda screwed Sitch & Karina, and their set is easier to tear down…let’s go with them!”

Award for Most Shameful Cluelessness – Lacey Schwimmer, for not knowing the Eagles

Heidi: Who are the Eagles??? The EAGLES??? Lacey, you have NO fucking business “recording” a song. And your age is no excuse. If you are recording music, one would think you are passionate about music. If one were truly passionate about music, they would not be clueless on The Eagles!!

Courtney: I literally slapped my forehead and winced when those words passed her lips. And Lacey isn’t really recording music…she’s just singing along karaoke style, and then they’re auto-tuning the hell out of it in post-production 😉 I’m sorry, but “Red Cup” is just AWFUL.

Heidi: :::snerk::: I originally had a crack in there about auto tune but then I took it out. I called you my equally evil twin last week. It seems I was correct. 🙂

Courtney: Indeed, m’dear! Muahahahaha 😉

The Cheesily Cute Couple of the Week Award – Rick Fox and Cheryl Burk for their package and mistakenly thinking they were safe when they weren’t.

Heidi: The two them were just totally cute when Cheryl responded to Rick with… “No, just trust” – I totally had a Yoda moment! “Trust me you must, young Jedi.” And then when the two of them realized they weren’t safe last night their response was just adorable. “Uhhh, shucks. Oops.” Hilarious.

Courtney: I’m beginning to think that Rick is not only the “pretty” guy in this competition…but also a bit vacant. I think when he’s at a loss for words, he just flashes those pearly whites and all is right in the world. I am ok with this 😉

Heidi: Yeah, I really don’t see a problem with that at all. It’s better than Maks’ way of handling it which is getting a shovel and digging a big fucking hole (stay tuned for video of Maks saying shit that pisses me OFF – if Vogue doesn’t post it, I will. I advised her to do it because she would be NICER about it than I will be. 🙂 )

Award for Most Passionate Pro (aka The Most “Wooden” Pro Award) – Derek Hough, for being entirely too involved in, and enjoying, his childhood fantasy of the hot teacher. (See above-do I need to draw you a map?)

Heidi: Humina, Humina…that’s all I got. Cigarette?

Courtney: I don’t know what you’re looking at, m’dear, but I must say I’m impressed with how HARD the choreography in that samba was. He’s clearly a FIRM believer in challenging his partner. And props to Jennifer for maintaining the perfect dance frame, not too STIFF, but also not all limp & flaccid. No one likes a flaccid frame 😉 And the stamina of these two! They kept it up through quite a LONG routine…ok, should I stop now? 😉

Heidi: You said flaccid. That, m’dear, is a four-letter word, in this house. 😉

Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Telling Kurt & Anna they had the highest score so far…when they actually got a point less than Jennifer & Derek

Courtney: Not sure if the lines she was being fed from the control booth got garbled, or her math was just off, but yah, Brooke…23 is less than 24. The best part is not actually Brooke, Kurt, or Anna’s reaction…if you watch Maks in the background, he gets a funny look on his face like “Wait a minute…that’s not right…” that is just priceless.

Heidi: Oh, now I’m going to have to watch it again cause I missed Maks’ reaction. Great. Garbled isn’t contagious through the TV is it??

Most Bizarre Prop: The picture of Tony in the Marine uniform

Courtney: I’m probably going to get hosed for this, but at first blush, I could have sworn I was looking at a picture of Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds. It was just a rather bizarre picture, and the “this picture was just taken backstage 10 minutes ago!” quality of it just made me chuckle.

Heidi: Courtney, you were supposed to be tearing up at the thought of this poor ceiling eyes…I mean, girl losing her husband and not being able to dance with him anymore. You mean to tell me that the smoke monster didn’t inspire sobs and hand wringing?? Heh. Me either.

Cheesiest Line O’ the Week: Mark Ballas & Val Chmerkovskiy’s exchange of “String it!” and “It’s already been strung!”

Courtney: Ugh…I’m not sure whether to blame the producers for that eyeroll-worthy exchange, or whether they came up with it themselves…but the subtle homage to Bring it On just made me cringe. Just get on with it, already!

Heidi: The melodrama over all was just making me cackle unattractively. I really, really hope that was all tongue in cheek cheesy but a part of me (yes a very evil part) fears that that was Mark’s “I’m acting dramatic” face.

Kiss of Death Award: The uncomfortably long kiss at the end of Flo & Corky’s waltz; (dis)honorable mention for the replay of Donny & Bruno’s kiss during Donny’s street bit

Courtney: I was reduced to an uncomfortable 12-year-old watching a movie with a love scene when I had to witness that smooch – I literally averted my eyes and went “GROSS!!!” No likey…no likey one bit! And then they just HAD to go and replay the video of Donny dipping Bruno over the judges table and laying one on him. Good grief, a year later that gag is still haunting me!

Heidi: For some reason, I had far less problem with the Donny-Bruno kiss than I did with Florky’s. Ick pooh. I believe my exact words were “GACK GACK!!” Which, you might realize, aren’t actual words but inarticulate noises.

Innuendo of the Week: Rick Fox referring to a wardrobe malfunction “at home” 😉

Courtney: I think this may have gone over Brooke’s head, because she just kinda chuckled, but good ol’ Tom definitely raised an eyebrow and got a mischievous look in his eye. Looks like Cheryl’s little impromptu clothing removal on Rick may have gotten him some action later that evening 😉 MEOW!

Heidi: At least he waited till he got home. I’m lookin’ at you, Derek Hough. (pssst…feel free to GET UP to that sort of mischief every week, would ya? 😉 )

Courtney: Damn…nothing like a premature wardrobe malfunction to ruin one’s evening 😉

DWTS11, Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Here it is, hungry patrons…Heidi soldiered through and came up with some great stuff! And we have visual aids this week. 😉 LET THEM EAT CHEESECAKE!!!

The Costume Brain Fart Award – Tony Dovolani, with an assist from the folks at Randall for dittoing Melissa’s waltz dress from season 8 for Audrina’s quickstep this week; honorable mention for Jennifer’s jive dress, Maks’ jive outfit, and Bristol’s quickstep dress

Courtney: Not sure if it was a feeling of nostalgia or just a lack of creativity on the part of the pros or the costume department, but some of this week’s costumes felt awfully familiar…and probably the most familiar of those was Audrina’s quickstep dress, which was (nearly) identical to the dress Melissa wore for her waltz in season 8, save for a color change and a slightly different cut around the midsection. Jennifer’s jive dress almost seemed like a hybrid of the dress that both Chelsie wore for her salsa with Ty in season 8 (and Nicole wore her finale jive with Derek last season) and the fringe top & pants that Brooke wore for her salsa with Derek in season 7. A little minor tweakage of the pattern from Kym’s dress from her Viennese waltz with Donny in season 9 gave us Bristol’s quickstep dress this week, and Maks fell back on the ol’ checkered highwater pants, suspenders, and a tie combo from his would-be jive with Misty in season 7 for his jive with Brandy this week. Ahhh, memories…

Heidi: Derek said he designed Jennifer’s (and had to assure her that she had the body to wear it), so I know he was involved. But there were so many similarities in costumes that I wonder if the pros are kinda at the point of saying – while running to teach the dance – Hey Randall, I want something like that time I danced with so and so only with this and this instead of that and that. When you are more worried about your celeb getting the dance, how much time are you going to spend coming up with new designs every week?? In some cases, it works (Jennifer and Audrina) and in others? Not so much – Brandy and Maks (but more Maks than Brandy 🙂 ). And that leads us to…

The WTF Was That? Costuming Choice Award, Male – Tony Dovolani for leather trimmed pants; honorable mention to Maks’ Checkered Highwater Pants and Suspenders

Heidi: Don’t get me wrong – I LOVED the color coordinated shirt with the long jacket with the leather (patent leather?) trim, but when you add that trim to the pants in not only a stripe but what appeared to be…shin guards?… and a wrap around thigh it was just much too much. I had to watch the dance a second time to get past it. 🙂 And Maks? Dude, you are much too old and much too burly for that outfit. That outfit requires a slender model’s body and a more boyish look, IMO. Not that there’s anything wrong with burly – just put it in different clothes. 🙂

Courtney: Not sure exactly what look Tony was going for this week…going to do a piano concerto at a biker rally? Dressing up as a cross between Don Johnson on Miami Vice and “The Crow”? Or maybe trying rehash the Adam Lambert look (with a classy twist) from his tango with Kate last season? Whatever it was, I agree with you, Heidi – it was a bit much. At least if he goes for a late-night jog in this outfit, the patent leather will reflect enough light to keep him safe from motorists 😉 As for Maks – I’m gonna go with the Al Borland from Home Improvement meets hip-hop manservant Fonzworth Bentley look. Just not a fan of it on Maks…seems something better-suited to one of the goofier guys, like Mark or Louis. I prefer him doing jive in just black dance pants and his signature black tank – kinda like the one from the Hall & Oates performance a few seasons back.

The WTF Was That? Costuming Choice Award, Female – Lacey Schwimmer for that Quickstep dress

Heidi: This is one of those things that really makes me believe that Lacey thinks mainly of herself at all times. I mean, come on – could you even see Kyle behind that dress? That dress was ghastly at the best of times, but during a quickstep?? Aren’t you supposed to be able to see the feet? Or maybe THAT was her point – Kyle didn’t have footwork. But really, that dress seriously detracted from the dance – but I guess as long as YOU’RE happy, Lacey.

Courtney: The top reminds me of something a circus trapeze artist might wear, and the bottom is a cross between a tutu, a quincenera dress, and one of those cakes with a Barbie stuck in it where the icing is the skirt of her dress. The overall result is, like Tony’s pants, just too much. If the top had flowed into a more simple, streamlined skirt, I think I may have really liked it. I can picture her running into the costume department and demanding “more ruffles! more ruffles!” Oh well – I guess if any of the ladies on the show had to wear it, Lacey would pull it off the best.

Heidi: Ummm…cake.

Awkward Brooke Burke Comment o’ the Week: Referring to Florence’s “beautiful age”

Heidi: Things that make you go whuuutt?? I think she started to say something else and something happened. Either she thought better of it, or the voices in her head…I mean, the producers were talking to her. 😉

Courtney: Oy…had to cringe at that one. Tried to wrap my brain around how that one could possibly make sense…to no avail. It’s like saying “musical elbow” or “conceited trumpet” – just an adjective and a noun that don’t really go together to me. Poor Brooke – either she was trying to come up with something on the fly (and it didn’t really work), or someone was feeding her something in the earpiece and she just got it garbled.

Asshat o’ the Week Award: Bruno Tonioli

Courtney: If Bruno set out to make himself look like an inconsiderate, condescending, dance critique ignoramus, he sure passed with flying colors. I almost feel like, in true flamboyant Bruno fashion, he set out to make a spectacle of each critique – even if it meant raking poor Michael across the coals, then rubbing salt in the wounds of his metaphorical 3rd-degree burns. Did that jive suck? Yes. Did he need make a hatchet job of his critique and humiliate Michael, who already seemed very humbled and embarassed by the experience? HELL NO. What he did was not a genuine, constructive critique – it was an excercise in self-love and attention whoring. And praise Len for calling him out on it – the man may be the known as the “grumpy old one” on the panel, but he has never been unecessarily cruel and has always managed to say something constructive about every routine, no matter how terrible. And then when Bruno was given a golden opportunity to redeem himself & apologize on the results show, what did he do? He shit on it, and then proceeded to make an even bigger spectacle of himself by making haughty comments about moving to Fox. Michael looked like he was mortified. But props to him for staying classy and calm about it!

Heidi: What the fuck, Bruno. Damn. Michael couldn’t dance, true. But I’m pretty sure it’s NOT your job to humiliate people who come on the show to the point that others may consider not doing it, so they can avoid that same treatment. I’m also pretty sure that if *I* felt uncomfortable watching it, that much of the rest of the audience did as well. Simon Cowell you are NOT. For all of Maks’ ill advised or misplaced bitching about the judges, he got it right when he said in an interview that if you’re auditioning for a movie role or something, give it up. And that comment about Fox?? Dude, they’ve already cast the judges for American Idol AND I’m fairly sure the slots on X-Factor are filled as well. But even worse, was on results show night – you just compounded an already uncomfortable situation. God, I felt so sorry for Michael Bolton.

Most Ironic Pre-Show Ritual: Louis’ chocolate cake consumption

Heidi: “Hey, Cheryl and Lacey, you are too heavy. Now excuse me while I scarf down some chocolate cake…it’s different for us men. We have needs.” Gee, haven’t heard that one before. I challenge you to have an ab-off with Derek or Mark or Maks or Tony. Especially Derek – since he’s been hitting the gym every morning and that will benefit me as well. 🙂

Courtney: Funny to me that a man who has ridiculed both Cheryl & Lacey about their weight is the one that chows down on chocolate cake before every show. Wonder why we have yet to see him with his shirt off…

Worst Fabricated Controversy: “Boo-gate”; (dis)honorable mention for Brandy & Maks’ perceived animosity

Courtney: Aaaaand cue the manufactured drama. Although I think the blame for this one lies more with the fans than on those wiley producers…so many people were so quick to assume the booing was for Sarah Palin, rather than the more logical explanation that they were simply upset at Jennifer & Derek’s scores. I mean, it seemed pretty obvious to me – the booing started immediately after the scores had been totaled. Maybe it wasn’t as obvious to everyone else – whatever. Had it been anyone else Tom had been interviewing immediately afterward, I could almost guarantee there wouldn’t have been a “Boo-gate” (whoever came up with that moniker deserves an award…makes me giggle ;-)). Never ceases to amaze me how people manage to manufacture drama where there is really none to be found. And the whole “OMG Brandy & Maks hate each other!” mess? Puh-lease. If anything, I think these two have had the best rapport of any of Maks’ partnerships…they can disagree without screaming at each other, and can joke about their mistakes. They were buddy-buddy again 5 minutes after the alleged “blow-up”.

Heidi: Yeah, totally with you on Maks and Brandy. I think that was fan driven though, although Maks blames the producers. Wrong Maks, they didn’t edit the live show during the judges remarks – that was all you and Brandy. That said – what was the big deal? That is their relationship and it appears to work. As for the Boo-gate bullshit, my question is why DWTS worked so hard to show it wasn’t Sarah Palin getting booed. I mean, so what if she was (although everyone knew she wasn’t)? Who are they pandering to? Or are they just feeding off all the promotion-giving idiocy to get better ratings for the results show? Watching twitter after that was hilarious though – the left and right wings were killing themselves over it. The right were desperate for the booing to be for real so they could manufacture outrage at the left for booing her, thereby pumping up their base. The left assumed she was being booed because, well, most of them have booed her (myself included and with good reason). I say, “Oh boo-fricken-hoo – that audience doesn’t boo anyone but the judges but if they had booed Sarah – she’s heard worse, I’m sure. Politicians get booed, you big freakin’ babies.”

Courtney: Yah, it was a little odd how they chose to put so much effort into showing us that it wasn’t Sarah getting booed. Regardless, I agree – it was hilarious watching the political mudslinging on Twitter. Drama created for the sake of drama. Honestly I thought Sarah was pretty inoccuous when they were talking to her on the show – I just saw a proud mom supporting her daughter. Too bad that everything had to get blown so far out of proportion…hopefully next week we’ll get enough “drama” from the storytelling on the dance floor that no one – producers, fans, or otherwise – will feel the need to manufacture any extra 🙂

Mr. Congeniality Award – The Situation, for his show of good sportsman ship right before the elimination, and just being a lovable dork; honorable mention for Kyle’s lovable impishness

Heidi:I thought that was very sweet and gentlemanly of the Sitch to do that. The big Goober. 🙂 Kyle – I will buy you a cheeseburger, you little sweetie. I also have to add that I thought it was sweet how Jennifer and Margaret seemed to wrap themselves around Michael Bolton when they were all discussing the judge thing.

Courtney: The general consensus amongst everyone around here seems to be that our buddy The Situation is turning out to be far more likeable than anyone could’ve imagined. He’s proving to actually be a pretty humble, goofy guy, who actually seems to be taking the competition seriously and wants to grow. I found it very charming that he took the trouble to step over to Michael & Chelsie before the elimination to shake their hands – even if Karina seemed like she was freaking out about it (god forbid they not have the dramatic, obligatory side-by-side camera view of the two possible eliminees moments before the verdict!). And Kyle is turning out to be this season’s happy, youthful rascal who can actually dance (and has fun doing it). Both very pleasant surprises this season 😀

Most Unintentionally Hilarious Moment: Panning to the shocked faces of various pros and celebs after Michael got his scores

Courtney: Ok, I know it was done for dramatic effect, but I couldn’t help but chuckle when they showed a montage of the slack-jawed faces of the folks backstage when Michael got his scores. Sweet that they were so concerned for his welfare, but out of context it looks like they had all seen a naked man or something.

Heidi: They needed to add little thought clouds over their heads with the words “NO you di’int just say that!!” in them.

Courtney: Let me fill in those thought bubbles for you 😉 The Situation: “Chill out, Freckles McGee! We about to have a Situation up in here!” Rick: “You’ve just awoken a sleeping giant. Be warned!” Mark: “How dare thee chastise my beloved’s partner! I shall challenge you to a gentlemen’s duel after I comfort the lovely Chelsie with many kisses & rose petals and perhaps a weekend in Napa Valley!”

Heidi: Aaannndddd….Heidi throws up. Did you forget I’ve been sick? I didn’t need that visual – it was bad enough Mark ran straight to Chelsie and practically ripped her out of Michael’s arms after the eviction. Jaysus, boy. Who was making cracks about Derek being lovesick? Paging Marianya!!! 😉

Most Bizarre Pre-Show Ritual: Corky’s practice of getting intimate with the floor; honorable mention for Derek’s refridgerated double-sock ritual & Cheryl’s hand-sanitizer-in-lieu-of-deodorant ritual

Heidi: Derek, let me help you with those socks…not quite sure why they have to be cold, but whatever works for ya sweetie. 🙂 Cheryl does realize that the hand sanitizer is doing nothing for her in that particular location, right? That’s the point of rituals, right? It’s a mental thing. I actually think that Corky’s is (almost) the most logical – I mean, I could understand walking the floor in your bare feet, anyway. The sniffing seems more than a bit weird, though. 🙂

Courtney: Walking around the floor, I can understand. Sniffing and kissing it? Ok, now we’re in fetish territory. I almost think Corky made that one up just so he could stand out. He probably really does something mundane, like doing the Reader’s Digest crossword puzzle or something. Hand sanitizer in the armpits? Meh, the antibacterial properties would have a (short-lived) diminishing effect on any odor, but it sure as hell wouldn’t keep ya Soft ‘n’ Dry. Refridgerated socks actually would sound divine after a long day of competing or a marathon session of dance lessons. But the fact that there’s two layers of them seem like it would kinda counteract the cooling effect, and just make your feet hotter & sweatier in the long run. Pedicure time!

Heidi: Derek also said at one time that he’s rather….he didn’t use the word manic, but we’ll go with that…about making sure the bottoms of his shoes are not slippery. That thing we saw him doing to Jennifer’s shoes (while she’s wearing them)? Was part of that little ritual. So I imagine the double socks is part of that, so his feet don’t slide in his shoes or whatever. Hey, I never claimed that my hot blond pretend boyfriend wasn’t a bit strange. Just sayin’. 🙂

The Award for the Most Limber Reality Show Host – Tom Bergeron

Heidi: We are now entering the Tom Bergeron portion of the program. 🙂 I have to wonder how many people it took to get him OUT of that position once he got himself into it. 🙂 “Tune in next week to see Tom’s Downward Facing Dog.”

Courtney: One word: Tom-a Sutra. 😉 Cue porno music.

Heidi: I was tempted to go there but resisted the urge. Thank you, oh equally evil twin. 😉

The Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night Award – “Len lecturing Bruno on how to be nice has to be a sign of the apocalypse.”

Heidi: Tom, I love ya, I do. But even you were having trouble finding the funny this week and I don’t blame you a bit. This line would have been hilarious any other time, and was a valiant effort at breaking the tension after what was a totally uncalled for series of remarks. But, awesome try, dude.

Courtney: I was squirming on the couch at home, so I can only imagine how terribly uncomfortable everyone in that ballroom had to be on performance night. Carrie Ann looked like she might have a nervous breakdown. Brooke looked totally confused (although that’s not really a new thing…); somebody probably had to rassle Len up a hot toddy during the commercial break. God bless Tom for trying to do something – ANYTHING – to lighten the mood…even if the joke fell a bit flat.

The Most Awesome Production “Payback is a Bitch” Award – Whipping out Tony’s Leg Waxing Bet Video at Just the Right Time

Heidi: OMG, hilarious. Tony, word to the wise – buy your field producer cookies, the occasional beer, whatever, to avoid these problems in the future. 🙂 Either that, or don’t make bets on something so erratic and unpredictable as the judges on this show. I mean, really – the way these three wave their paddles you couldn’t even make a good drinking game out of it. Unless you chug every time they wave a SEVEN. 😀 Yes, dude, a seven. The best part was the reaction of all the other pros and celebs.

Courtney: This, like the footage of Maks’ jumping-up-and-down-like-a-toddler temper tantrum last season, is pure GOLD to the producers – probably not worth much to begin with, but when perfect time presents itself…priceless 😀 I have to wonder if the judges maybe had a bit of prior knowledge about this one…because it almost seemed TOO perfect that it went “Carrie Ann Inaba – 8, Len Goodman – 8, Bruno Tonioli – SEVEN!!!” Oh well – it was the one useful thing Bruno did on the show this week. And Tony tweeted earlier today that the big day is Friday…so if we get any valuable twitpics, we just might have to post a “Leg-gate” update here 😉

Cutest Display of Enthusiasm: Jennifer moving in any way she could to make the fringe on her dress shake

Courtney: I think Heidi may have mentioned it in another post, but I too was like “Why is she moving so weird?” as she was coming down the stairs. Then I realized “Awww…she’s shimmying the fringe on her dress!” It was just too adorable…as if she was so excited to be wearing fringe that she just couldn’t bear to let it go to waste. 🙂

Heidi: Yeah, that was me. I thought she was having a seizure – then I realized she was making her fringe move. She really has an inner 12 year old that presents itself at interesting times. It’s at times like that when you have to realize why Derek got Jennifer instead of Audrina, who many have mentioned as his “type”. Jennifer is he goober match. Love it. 🙂

DWTS Season 11, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Ahhh…it’s good to be back being sarcastic and snarky. Oh, wait, I never stopped. 🙂 The Cheesecake Awards this week aren’t for the faint of heart, I don’t think. I speak for myself when I say, I bitch because I love. 😉

Most Ridiculous Occupation: Bristol Palin, Teen Activist

Heidi: Teen Activist?? Seriously?? Oookkaayyy. But I gotta ask, how much activisting has she done recently? Or is that done until Mom runs for office again? Yep, I made up a word. Hell, her mom does it ever day, why can’t I?? 🙂

Courtney: I knew they were gonna try and spin the activist angle – just like they did for Heather Mills. They decided to be all PC and call her a “human rights activist” instead of “gold-digging ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney.” Oh well, whatevs – at least Bristol seems sweet & likeable. Even if I’m not quite sure just how much “activisting” she actually does 😉

Most Idiotic Choreography Choice, possibly EVER: Louis for Comedy fallen FLAT; Runner up -Tony.

Heidi: Two potentially disastrous choices by professionals – possibly professionals who are burned out. What idiot changes his whole routine for the FIRST week simply because they’re dancing first?? Dude, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Audrina is NOT a professional performer. I don’t think it was nice or fair to her for you to change the whole thing with a week left before show time. Lucky for you there’s an even bigger idiot in town and his name is Louis. 🙂 Need I say more?

Courtney: I’m still shaking my heard at the Margaret & Louis routine. I guess I understand IN THEORY what they were going for, but it totally missed the mark. I reiterate: DO NOT TRY AND BREAK THE RULES THIS EARLY IN THE COMPETITION! Just go with the flow and prove that you can follow them for the first few weeks, then slowly, you can start to bend them. These two definitely dodged a bullet this week – and it kinda pisses me off that Louis has more or less said that he intends to do the exact same thing in upcoming weeks. Dude, if you get sent home next week, you cannot bitch and moan about how “unfair” the show is, because it will be YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. Dig your own grave, then lay in it. As for Tony’s tweaking of Audrina’s routine – meh, probably not the best idea, but without seeing how it would’ve looked beforehand, I can’t really say for sure that it was a drastic change. He might have only changed one or two moves. Audrina is a pretty awkward mover regardess – some minor changes may have had a slightly negative effect on her performance, but I don’t really think she would’ve knocked the original routine out of the park, either. Either way, they too dodged a bullet – the same one that went whizzing past Margaret & Louis, and barely grazed their ears.

The Guffaw Right Outta the Gate Award goes to: Len Goodman for his focus on his own buttocks.

Heidi: Bwahaha – Len, dude, I don’t need the mental image of your butt. Lucky for you Derek was photographed sans shirt recently. I can cleanse my mental image. Plus there’s booze in my fridge. In case you couldn’t tell, I was drinking when I wrote this.

Courtney: Len’s quips are pretty hit or miss for me – either hilarious, or cringe-inducing. This falls in the latter category. Blech. 🙁

Most Wack-ass Hair Accessory of the Night: Lacey’s Minnie Mouse Bow

Heidi: My inner dialogue when I first see Kyle and Lacey – “What the hell is Lacey wearing?? Did someone graffiti her? And what a stupid ass bow!!” It grew on me after a bit – except I was still left with “what a stupid ass bow!”

Courtney: Sure didn’t grow on me…while I understood what they were going for (and they did perform really well), the whole thing just felt so overdone to me. I could’ve done without the locker bit at the beginning, with the glasses and the gum. And that hair! Yeesh…too blonde, too big, too extension-y. The bow was just the rotten cherry on top. It was as if her entire ensemble just seemed to scream “Look at me! Look at me! I’M BLONDE! I’M REBELLIOUS! I’M BACK!!!”

Heidi: There ain’t nuthin’ rebellious about being blonde. Just sayin’. 🙂

The Color me NOT Surprised Award – Cheryl Burke Wears a Sheer Skirt

Heidi: ANOTHER sheer skirt on Cheryl – is this a new addiction?? I mean it was lovely, but damn – if you count last season that’s got to be four or five in a row. Leave some sheer fabric for the other girls (and some of the men), Girl!!

Courtney: Again, the Randall folks must’ve had a brain fart: “Damn, we need a ballgown for Cheryl. Ok, I have an idea – take the pattern from Joanna’s rumba dress, make it a little longer, and then make the skirt sheer like the dresses from Cheryl’s tango, foxtrot, and waltz dresses from last season, tack some feathers on the bottom, and BOOM! BRILLIANT!!! It will look like a COMPLETELY new dress!” Hehe…or not, if you’ve got a keen eye for costumes like Heidi & I 😉

Best WTF?!?! Reaction of the Night: Cheryl’s reaction to Brooke’s comment after her dance with Rick.

Heidi: LOL – poor Cheryl was clearly a victim of the voices in Brooke’s head. I mean the production staff. I think. 🙂 Just throw statements at a girl and then leave her hanging, Brooke!

Courtney: At least Cheryl seemed to shrug it off with a smile. But I’m not done with Brooke yet…

The Cheesiest, Most OMGiest, Wack Ass Moment of the Performance Show – Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel

Heidi: I’m harping, yes, I know. It just started out so well. Then Louis jumped his little ass in a handbasket and rode it all the way to hell, if you get my meaning and I think you do. WTF with the gold fan thing? Why would you do this on the first week? There is such a thing as winning people over slowly as opposed to, say, bashing them over the head with a bronze fabric wing and a prat fall. Just fucking dance.

Courtney: Ugh…do I really even have to comment on this one? It was just nonsense. Little to no legit dancing. And things got even more awkward when Margaret took it upon herself to envelop herself (and a very befuddled Brooke) in those wings after getting her scores. I didn’t think it was possible for Brooke to look any more confused…and then she did.

Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night – Liberace’s shower curtain (In reference to Margaret’s gold wings); honorable mention for “Why? Because we’ve got an hour to fill!”

Heidi: Bwahaha…now THAT is how you do comedy. Hire Bergeron, dammit.

Courtney: Ooh! Speaking of which, I think I figured out where I’ve seen those wings before. They were leftover material from Kelly’s samba dress. But I loved when Tom, forced by the powers that be to drag out the suspense through another commercial break, lightened the mood by actually pointing out that they were killing time.

Bruno Double Entendre of the Night – I Love the Taste of Brandy in the evening.

Heidi: Yeah, well I’m drinking Champagne…oh, wait. Bwah!! (Just a note to anyone who might have some weird urge to send me booze – don’t really like Brandy. I’m a champers girl all the way. The expensive kind. 🙂 )

Courtney: Always more than a little awkward when comments like these come out of Bruno’s mouth – especially in regards to the ladies 😛 But I concur…brandy seems like such an old man’s drink. Give me a bottle of champagne as well – but Korbel will do just fine. Just make sure I drink plenty of water and see that I make it into bed safely 😉

Heidi: Get the Korbel that has “methode champenois” (sp?) on the label. That’s naturally fermented and less likely to attack your head. OH, and you made me remember Bruno’s other faux pas…when he said that Bristol was in “virgin territory”. Um, oops. 😉

The “Please hand me the bleach so I can pour it on my eyeballs” Moment: Florence’s bra!

Heidi: Shit. While I feel I may be permanently scarred by the experience, I have to admire Florence for pure chutzpah. You go…woman. 🙂

Courtney: I’d like to amend this award to the “Most Bizarre Celeb Behavior Award” – because Flo was seriously acting weird this week. The bra, the cussing, the random giggling while Brooke interviewed other couples in the red room – hell, even The Situation got a little uncomfortable when she asked to touch his abs! It was all just very, very odd – and definitely not typical Florence behavior. Again, I’m afraid she’s trying too hard to be like Cloris, and rather than coming across as funny like her…this is just kinda off-putting and phony to me. Be yourself, Flo…we’ll love you, we promise 😀

Zinger of the Night: Len to the Sitch – You’ve got the guns but not the amunition!!

Heidi: LOL!!! I thought Bergeron was the only person on the show that was pure genius in terms of off the cuff one liners. Holy hell, that was good, Len. You old curmudgeon you.

Courtney: I think The Situation’s swagger may have diminished a bit after that one…which is a feat. 😉 Way to go, Len!

The Line of the night that even Bergeron Admires: Len –“It’s never too early to panic”

Heidi: No fucking kidding!!

Courtney: If the producers are panicking about the elimination…maybe we all should!

Most Disappointing Reappearance – Adam Carolla

Heidi: Oh man, I was so disappointed. That segment was a cheese supreme pizza and not in a good way. He was SO awesome last season that I guess I was expecting more. I did LOL at Bruno and the Brunettes (aka Mark, Corky, Maks and…Tony?). LOL. But seriously – Adam was so funny last season and this just fell flat to me. And I WAS drinking so it should have been funnier…but, sadly, no.

Courtney: I get the feeling that the “powers that be” may have had a hand in reigning in Adam’s usual humor a bit. Because the few times I’ve seen him before, he’s been a RIOT. This wasn’t even as funny as Dance Center – and I don’t even find that particularly funny. FAIL!

The Stand Your Ass Still Cheeseball Award: The producers, for having the half brained idea of having Brooke wander the backstage area to casually interview the top 4; Runner up – The staged “getting ready” bit prior to the first pro dance of the results show

Heidi: The wanding mic stuff is crap. Yes, let’s make this stuff appear even MORE staged than it was before. GREAT idea. :::end sarcasm:::

Courtney: The hairstylist pretending to fluff Brandy’s hair? Jennifer visibly waiting in the wings for her cue to come sit next to Rick? The staged “group of people with press passes” passing through in the background? DUMB. Oh, and the equally fake shot of Kym, Corky, Anna, Tony, & Cheryl pretending to get ready for the pro dance backstage? Again, FAIL. Corky doesn’t jog anywhere. Pssshhh…

Most Sucktastic Musical appearance: Daughtry/Santana

Heidi: Holy sucktastic, Batman. Even the presence of my gorgeous blond pretend boyfriend couldn’t make this sucker work. The music, the lighting, the camera work – even the guitar work. Sucktastic. The pros were great, clearly – but that was about it. Let’s blind the audience with concert lighting that we haven’t done good camera blocking for. GREAT IDEA!! And then, let’s lose control of the camera pan completely!! Awesome!! Almost as good as Jennifer being totally out of frame the night before during her dance – although I appreciate the focus on my hot blond pretend boyfriend. 🙂 What this is REALLY about though, is that I am TOTALLY pissed that we didn’t get an all Professional number SANS musical guest that stole precious camera time. For as much as I bitch about some of the other pros, I WANT desperately to see them all dance together with the spotlight on them and only them. Why is that too much to ask???

Courtney: While I actually think the album version of this remake is pretty good, this whole production of this number (and really all of the pro dances last night) was a mess. I think the whole scaffolding & stage at the back of the ballroom really threw everything off, the lighting was blinding, and honestly, at times the sound seemed a bit off – as in things sounded almost off-key. Just too much, all of it. I love Daughtry, I love Santana, I love the two together – but not live.

Most Disturbing Fixation: Kyle’s fascination with Lacey’s boobs

Courtney: Really, dude? I mean, I know that little corset she had on was putting them right in your face, but at least pretend like you’re not intentionally looking at them. And then in practice – you really want to use them as your “focusing point” when turning? Oy…and then you felt the need to feel her up in the confessional, and pretend to poke them. I mean, if it were Kym’s boobs, I totally wouldn’t blame you…;-)

Heidi: I got one thing to say – Kyle, you’re trying too hard. Even for a 19 year old. But perhaps you have found the best way to suck up to your pro? Focus on her boobs = massage of her ego. 🙂

The “Back to Square One” Award: Brooke’s many flubs and awkward moments throughout both nights of competition

Courtney: Where do I begin? She mispronounced both Anna & Kyle’s names at least once; multiple awkward silences; totally odd, rehearsed responses to some of the cast member’s answers to her questions – let’s face it: as much as I didn’t care for Samantha Harris, at least she could go with the flow of the show. It’s as though Brooke regressed during the off-season back to her first night as the co-host of the show (which was ridiculously painful to witness). Oy. If this keeps up…it’s gonna be a LONG season for me…

Heidi: You watch, she will get markedly better when she puts a bumpit under her hair to house Voldemort. That’s the thing, see, Voldie is off trying to vanquish Harry Potter and has lost interest in controlling her. I’m tellin’ ya. 😉 Look at it this way – we’ll have plenty of material for the Cheesecake awards. 🙂

DWTS10 Finale – The Cheesecake Awards!!!

*sniff* Sorry for the delay, kids – this week’s awards were a little bittersweet for Heidi & I, since they’re the last chance we’re going to be able to nitpick & snark until September 🙁 But better late than never, eh? With 3 hours of nonstop ridiculousness to pull from this week, we definitely had a lot of material to work with – and I like to think we’ve really outdone ourselves this time 😀 So please – sit back, relax, and savor your last piece of cheesecake from season 10!

Best Impersonation of a Jersey Shore cast member: Brooke’s Snooki-inspired pouffy hair
Courtney: I can’t recall a hairstyle in the show’s history that was more talked-about than this one (not even Karina’s mullet!). Thank goodness Heidi & I weren’t the only ones that were totally distracted by Brooke’s sky-high Bump-It pouff on Monday night. And with a headband? Totally ridiculous…send her hairstylist back to Jersey, PLEASE! In fact, this pouff could have actually rivaled Snooki’s in its size…looks like J-Woww, Pauly D, and the Situation are all fist pumping under there.

Heidi: I think Voldemort was under there. Maybe that’s why she’s improved so much – he’s controlling her. 🙂

Biggest Exercise in Futility: Kate’s encore performance of her paso doble, and subsequent hustle to “I Will Survive”; (dis)honorable mention for Evan & Anna and Erin & Maks unsuccessful use of outside choreography for their freestyles
Courtney: A question for whoever had the bright idea to put Kate front & center in the opening number: did you really think she was gonna pull off the simple act of walking with a feather thingie successfully? Because she managed to botch that completely. And the paso was terrible the first time around – did we really need to relive it, as if to confirm “Yep, Kate really is a bad dancer!” The feeble hustle that ended with her being lifted up in a cherry-picker at the end? I guess we should be thankful that it was less hustle and more just Kate being lifted. At least she seemed to be having fun. And after the two mediocre freestyles from the couples that used outside assistance, I reiterate: the further you go outside of your comfort zone and into something that you’re unfamiliar with, the more clueless & uncomfortable you look. Stick with what works.

Heidi: Dude, she was downright creepy, what with the way she was “flying” and the way she was lit. Eeep!! As for the outside choreography…well, I guess I kinda understand it *in theory*, but at that point in the season the dancers know each other (and their strengths and weaknesses) so well, that it seems to me that an outsider would mess with that.

Most Interesting Double Entendre: Maks’ excuse for the mess-ups on the bed – “That wasn’t the bed we rehearsed on!”
Courtney: I still can’t decide if he said this in earnest, or deliberately threw out something saucy like this. He only dug himself further into a hole with his follow-up comment on GMA yesterday morning: “The first time we did it on the bed, she went flying off!” Oh jeebus…

Heidi: I’m tempted to make a crack about you giving Maks too much credit for superb innuendo. 🙂 But it beats me if he was earnest or not. Better was Tom’s reaction to it last night – making a big O with his arms and yelling “over sharing!!!”

Courtney: Eh, I’m leaning more towards the former – that he was just flustered and blurted it out without thinking – but Maks does have interesting ways of getting attention…maybe he actually thought of it beforehand and had it in his verbal arsenal just incase 😉

The “Denial is not just a river in Egypt” award: Nicole & Derek’s vehement denial of there being anything going on between them romantically
Courtney: Ok, first there was the armpit sniffing and gum sharing. Then the strange neck caressing. And then, after an overtly sexual rumba, they pan to Nicole’s boyfriend in the audience – and he is NOT a happy camper. And after a juicy bit of insider info that I heard a few days ago, I am almost 100% certain that SOMETHING has gone on between these two.

Heidi: You forgot that she jumped on top of him in happiness – not only that, but she was running her hand over his hair and kissing on him. More than anything it’s the hands in the hair thing and the multiple times she wrapped her legs around him. 🙂 And Derek keeps picking her up.

Biggest Accident Waiting to Happen: Erin nearly taking Maks out during the infamous jump off the stage in the their Argentine tango
Courtney: Maybe she overshot it a bit, maybe he wasn’t quite grounded enough – maybe a combination of both. But for a second, Maks wavered, and I was worried that they both were going to topple. Seriously – that is one dangerous lift! I don’t blame Erin for being apprehensive…

Heidi: I gasped – thought they were going all the way to the judges.

Best “Hairstyle on a Budget”: Nicole’s banana claw for the rumba
Courtney: Prior to their rumba, I was like “Really, hair people? First you Snookify Brooke, now you’re scrimping on Nicole and sticking her with a $2 Goody banana clip from the drugstore? You could at least bedazzle that thing, jeez!” Then I saw the rumba…and I was like “Ahhhh. I think I need to invest in some banana clips.”

Heidi: LOL – I was gonna say, nothing says “We’ve done it” more than a practiced hair loosening. Ya see, it’s the subtle little moves like that that make me go “Ahhh…I want some of that kind of action please.”

Best Intro for a Returning Celeb Dance: Tom’s description of Pam’s performance – “Pamela Anderson…and some guys.”
Courtney: Oh Pam – I knew you would make a triumphant return to the floor in your own steamy way! And she really did upstage all three of them, slinking around in that corset and fishnets. Leave it to Tom to summarize it best…I’m gonna miss you till September, Tom Bergeron 🙁

Heidi: Follow him on Twitter – hilarious. He and Melissa Rycroft have some weird relationship. He used her as a paparazzi shield monday night and then pseudo apologized on Twitter. Anyway, Pam didn’t just upstage them, she ROLLED across them. Wowza!!

The Candid Camera Award: Evan & Anna’s unhappy expressions in the dressing room; (dis)honorable mention for Anna clearly mouthing the f-word at the end of Monday night’s show
Courtney: Now we’ve all seen what kind of damage can be done when the couples know the camera is running during their practice sessions. But the real fun happens when they DON’T know the camera is on them – like finale night, when they showed Nicole & Derek backstage energetically practicing their jive, and then panned to the adjacent room where Evan & Anna were sitting – glumly, like someone had killed their dog – or they were about to kill each other. Now before anyone can say “But they felt defeated after Len told Nicole she should win!”, keep in mind this was BEFORE Len said that, as neither of them had performed their final dance yet. Not sure what they were so upset about, but someone must have told them to perk up, because they next time they showed them backstage, they were all smiles. As for Anna’s pottymouth moment, it’s at the very end of Monday night’s show, when they’re going through the scoreboard – they pan to Evan & Anna as they’re saying “And at the bottom of the leaderboard…” and Anna looks over her right shoulder and says “F&%!” It actually made me laugh – if I were on the show, I would probably have the censors taking beta blockers, they’d be bleeping me so much…nice to know the pros slip up from time to time, too;-)

Heidi: That was striking, them sitting there. I was like, what the hell?? But at the end of the results show, when Mark picks Derek up, I’m pretty sure he lets out an involuntary “shit” of surprise – or it was my high def making the audio cut out. Buncha potty mouths. 🙂

Best Wardrobe Malfunction Waiting to Happen – Brooke Burke and her gold Mummy dress
Heidi: When she went to talk to the final two and she actually SAT DOWN – I actually held my breath to see if the dress would bust in a strategic spot. 🙂 I was oddly disappointed when it held together. Seriously, they work so hard to keep the dancers in their dresses wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if Brooke busted (heh) out of hers?? Anyway, she gave a whole new meaning to the words Golden Globes.

Courtney: That dress just confused me. It was some crazy patchwork concoction – like someone didn’t have enough of any one type of fabric to make a dress, so they just combined scraps they had laying around. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think I liked Samantha’s dresses better than some of the ones Brooke has worn.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night: “Hey Kate, while you’re up there, sing ‘Don’t Cry for me Argentina'”
Heidi: I think I actually guffawed. I don’t even know what that actually sounds like, but I’m pretty sure I did it. 🙂

Courtney: Eva Peron > Kate Gosselin. *shudder* Somehow I think that Kate would actually be a worse singer than she is a dancer (and I think we’ve already established that she is a TERRIBLE dancer!) Tom, don’t give Kate any ideas – next thing you know, the tabloids will have her auditioning for Broadway!

Hugest Disservice to an American Hero – Buzz and his strange space suit, complete with Green Lasers
Heidi: Really DWTS Wardrobe?? Really? Talk about cheesy!! Holy hell. And Star Wars? It also lasted about ten minutes too long. 🙂

Courtney: Ugh. Enough with the space suits and references to his astronaut background. Although I have to wonder if Buzz had some say in what he wanted to do – the man does wear a lot of NASA shirts…

Biggest Piece of Cheese I’m Most Ashamed to Admit that I Thought was Kinda Cool – The “Mirrorball Cage In Which Nicole and Evan Descended from the Ceiling.
Heidi:: I’m so ashamed. Between that and the fog, I was like “Coooool”. :::sigh:::

Courtney: My DVR cut that part out. Thank goodness!

Best Self Impersonation – Derek Hough, Describing his Reaction to Almost Dropping Nicole
Heidi: So nice to see these two so relaxed. Ahem. 🙂 Relaxed.

Courtney: DVR cut out on this one too…so I’ll just take your word for it 😉

Heidi: I’ll post it. It’s actually pretty funny. Apparently there was a lot of dialog during that dance and it was Derek who screwed it up. The dance, not the dialog.

Worst Opening Sequence in the History of the Show: Tuesday Night
Heidi: Is it just me or was that a craptastic opening dance? Did you see Kate walking along the edge of the dance floor trying to find her spot?? Did you notice Derek’s “I’m so going to puke” face?? LOL

Courtney: Another group number that looked like it was thrown together at the last possible moment. Lots of confused choreography, dittoed costumes, and pained expressions. I think the feather thingies were meant to distract us from a clearly terrible performance – some very wise production assistant must have plucked them from the prop closet & suggested they reuse them from the female pros’ opening dancing last season. If I were one of the producers, that production assistant would be promoted to creative director! Haha.

The “I’m So Uncomfortable Watching This” Award: Kate Gosselin informing Tony That She’s Controversial “You know”
Heidi: Um, ick? I can’t decide if it was mean of the producers to show that, or stupid of Kate to seem oddly proud of it.

Courtney: I think what bothered me most was the way she said the word “controversial”. She put too much emphasis on the “i” – “controverSEE-al”. Like she wanted to make it sound more high-class or something. Honey, if you have to tell us that you’re controverSEE-al – then you’re just fishing.
Moment I Expected To Be Supremely Craptastic: Vienna Dancing
Heidi: Why wasn’t she on the show?? She’s way better than Jake. I was surprised how well she did with Dmitry, then not surprised when with Jake everything got…stiff. Pardon the expression. 🙂 Jake turns everything Cheesy.

Courtney: Jake is a goober. And Vienna was alright – but she still looks like she has no clue what is going on around her. Totally blank expression. Dude, at least Tenley had more facial expressions than just “confused”.

Heidi: :::gasp::: Did YOU watch the Bachelor?!?! Come sit with me in the hall of shame, girly. 🙂

Courtney: Eh, I saw some of the finale…CSI must have been a rerun that night. It was like a train wreck in progress – terrible, but you just can’t seem to avert your eyes!

Surest Sign that Len’s Meds Need Adjusting: Telling Nicole She Should Win BEFORE Evan Even Danced
Heidi: I’m a Derek/Nicole fan and I have to say that was shitty. Super Shitty. I groaned out loud.

Courtney: Call me insensitive, but it actually didn’t bother me too badly – granted, I was really surprised Len actually said it, but at that point I think it was just getting too obvious that Nicole was miles ahead of Evan. And I think you mentioned it earlier, but Len may have thought that Nicole wasn’t going to win – and hence was trying to soften the blow a bit…even if he went about it in a rather uncouth way. Or maybe he just got sick of all of the storyboarding, and the fakey “OMG! It’s anyone’s game!” schtick, and this was his geriatric way of rebelling. It seemed to bother Anna more than it bothered Evan – that boy is sweet as pie and totally laid back, so he probably didn’t give it much of a second thought. Good for him 🙂

Biggest “Oh no you didn’t!” Moment: Kelly Monaco calling Alec the Iceman
Heidi: Geez, maybe it’s true but can you be ANY more unprofessional, bitch?

Courtney: My guess is that ABC cited some obscure line in her contract from the original season that forced her to attend – because she made it abundantly clear that she really didn’t have any desire to be there. Maybe she was cranky cause her character’s boytoy on General Hospital just got sent to prison. No sex scenes for Sam McCall for awhile…I’d be cranky too! But I gotta give her props for saying out loud (on national television) what we’ve been saying all along – Alec is totally blah.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night, Take Two: “I’ll Never Get Tired of Seeing You Do That”, when imitating Maks jumping tantrum
Heidi: If anyone can bring Maks down to size, it’s Tom Bergeron. LOL

Courtney: Somehow, I don’t think that’s the last we’ll see of the clip of Maks jumping up and down like a toddler who wants candy at the grocery store. I have a feeling it will resurface in subsequent seasons when they’re doing background videos of the pros. Congrats, Maks – your tantrum is now cemented in the annals of DWTS history. 🙂

*sigh* Well, we hope you guys have enjoyed your weekly helpings of cheesecake this season as much as we’ve enjoyed dishing them out. The Heidi & Courtney Bitchin’ Kitchen may be closed for the season, but will reopen for business again in September for another fun-filled season of snark 😉 Until then, please do continue to lurk! Pure DWTS doesn’t go on summer vacay – we’ll still be keeping up with the latest casting rumors, post-season media appearances, pro gossip, and who knows what else! It promises to be a good time…so stay tuned!

DWTS10 Week 9 – The Cheesecake Awards!

So apparently Heidi & I were on this freaky wavelength this week where we both agreed on everything…literally, we thought of almost the exact same things for this weeks awards. Add to that the fact that this week was just a pretty damn good week, both performance-wise and results show-wise, so this week’s awards are a little less snarktastic (sorry kids…we just were feeling the semifinal love this week :-D) and a little more just odd observations…but interesting ones nonetheless! Now…let’s take it cheesey, shall wee? 😉

The “3rd Time’s a Charm!” Award – Cheryl & Chad , for their 3rd week in a row wearing see-through ballroom outfits
Courtney: I think wardrobe was cutting corners and just made 3 identical dresses for Cheryl, and then dyed them whatever color felt right for the week, hehe. But this time they actually got it right: I loved that flesh tone on her, and it went perfectly with her 40’s-esque, softly curled hair. A definite improvement from the white christening gown two weeks ago, and the black negligee (complete with thong-like lower back thingie!) from last week. Chad dittoed his Viennese waltz silky pajamas again…gotta say, that’s the most interesting interpretation of a ballroom suit I’ve seen in awhile. To me it says “Heck yah I’m gonna do the waltz, and then afterward, I’m gonna go have drinks with Hef – without changing clothes!”

Heidi: Hee – we are sharing a brain today – I was having deja vu with my “another day, another see thru skirt. But you’re right, this one was very pretty.

Biggest Waste of Season-Long Buildup Award – The Design-a-Dance
Courtney: Why oh why did they think having two former celebs doing a dance together would be a good idea??! This was a disaster, IMO. Sloppy choreography that neither of them seemed to really know well, a crappy tango song, and Joey Fatone in KISS makeup. Bleeeccchhh. Even the guy that designed the costumes seemed to be unhappy to be there witnessing it! The Design-a-Dance has really been going downhill since the first one where Julianne & Derek did the jive to “Great Balls of Fire” in season 7 – now that was worth the season-long buildup. Then there was the 4-person quickstep with Derek, Mark, Julianne, & Lacey, which was still pretty cute; and then the pro-am paso with Mark & Sabrina, which was just kinda ok…and then this. Oy. Hopefully next season they’ll revert back to the 2-pro format…because this was a big letdown. 🙁

Heidi: Again, sharing a brain. WTF? Like we don’t have enough amateurs dancing on this show they have to make DaD amateur as well? I must say, though, that the designer will probably be a huge success because he has “bored bitchface” down to a science!! And really, that’s all it takes to be a designer, right?

The Carrie Ann Inaba Weird Analogy of the Week – Describing Nicole’s ability to learn new dances as “Pooping out cells”
Courtney: It’s moments like these that make me wonder if Carrie Ann knocked back a few drinks before hitting the judging table. I mean, I understood what she meant; it was just really…awkward. I think I liked the Charlie Brown teacher analogy better.

Heidi: As soon as I heard the word “Poop” I was gone. I mean really, I prefer Bruno’s f-bombs. 🙂

The Peculiar Body Language Award: Nicole & Derek, for their repeated neck-touching
Courtney: Now Heidi may have been tipped off by their armpit sniffing and gum spitting last week, but the way they kept touching each others’ necks this week made me wonder if there was something more than just platonic friendship going on between these two. The neck is a vulnerable, erogenous zone – you don’t just go around caressing someone else’s unless you’re romantic with them. Yes, I am aware that Derek injured his neck – but why did Nicole feel the need to keep touching it? And why was he touching hers? Hmmmm….

Heidi: Honey, he wasn’t just touching, he was stroking – very strange, particularly since he’s not giving off the vibes he did with Joanna (aka the “yer sooooo pretty and hot” vibes 🙂 ). I had several WTF moments with Nicole and Derek this past week – like, if she had taken any longer with the family after the AT (including bf) he would have picked her up and caveman carried her to the celebraquarium.

Unofficial Sponsor of the Semifinal Performance Show: Prince
Courtney: The Purple Man…the Artist Formerly Known as Prince…whatever you call him, he’s AWESOME. Two Prince songs in one night, and a Purple Rain-inspired costume? LOVES IT. The only thing better would be him sitting in the front row, glasses on, hair all pompadour-y…glorious.

Heidi: Derek says in his blog that the song they danced to was specifically ONLY allowed for Nicole. I believe his words were “Nicole and Nicole ONLY” was allowed to dance to it. Pretty cool. Love the Purple One.

The Whoopsy-Daisy Award: Bruno and his various faux pas this week
Courtney: First there was the “9!” while holding up the 10 paddle; then the naughty word slip that those skillful censors managed to catch in the nick of time. I wanna say there was more stuff he fouled up a bit, but I just couldn’t keep track of them, haha. The man was in rare form this week…didn’t think it was possible for him to be any more flamboyant than he already is! LOL.

Heidi: I love the little dude. You want me to post the video of him and Billy Bush in speedos? Seriously – I have that and haven’t had time. It’s a little on the scary side. 🙂 They cook in their speedos too.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “Bruno had premature paddling” (check the actual phrasing) tied with “I’m gonna go get me one of those Derek Hough Injuries”
Heidi: You know, the very best thing about Tom and what makes him so lovable is that he clearly loves this show and everyone involved in it. That makes him genuinely hilarious in a sweet way.

Courtney: He’s like the Papa Bear of DWTS, looking out for all his baby pro-ducklings and star-ducklings 😀 He reminds me of Cat Deeley on SYTYCD – she always seems to look out for the contestants and seems to develop an attachment to them each season. Seacrest, on the other hand – he almost seems like he intentionally puts the Idol kids in the hot seat for ratings. Whole lotta good that’s doing, buddy.

The Cheese Match Made in Heaven Award: Corky Ballas sitting almost next to Donny Osmond
Heidi: Lord have mercy, that’s way too much cheese for me. Good thing there was one dude sitting between them or we might be drowning in cheddar sauce.

Courtney: Oh good GAWD – I do remember seeing them sitting in pretty close proximity, a few rows behind Rick Fox & Kareem Abdul Jabbar (glad those two Lakers were there to run interference and cancel out some of the Corky-Donny energy…the building could have imploded from too much cheese!). The clash of the attention fiends! Here’s my weird Carrie Ann analogy for them: have any of you ever watched MadTV and seen the sketches with Stuart, the little boy Michael McDonald played that was always saying “Look at what I can do! Look at what I can do!”? Well, put Corky & Donny in front of a camera and you’ve got yourself a regular old Stu-off…each one trying to outdo the other, saying “Look at what I can do! Look at what I can do!” Hilarity.

Most Stark Transition to Adulthood since Britney Spears: Miley Cyrus
Heidi: What the hell? How old is this little chickadee?? Or do I not want to know? So, like when you reach (Hollywood’s version of) adulthood you grow feathers and live in cages, or is that only for lip-syncing pop tarts anxious to shed the Hannah Montana label?

Courtney: This was like the second coming of the “Dirrrty”-era Christina Aguilera – totally contrived and just plain weird. And yes, Heidi, when you reach adulthood you do grow feathers and live in cages, and fake smooch on your female backup dancers and grind with gay choreographers (*cough*Adam Shankman*cough*)…apparently you and I just missed the memo 😉

Ahhhh…this week’s awards seemed to go down like a nice brie cheese – smooth and not at all sharp. Apologies for those of you wanting something a bit bitier 😉 Maybe the chips on our shoulders will return next week for one last hurrah before a 4-month hiatus…fingers crossed! 😀

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

DWTS Season 11, Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

DWTS 11 Week 7 – The Cheesecake Awards!!!

DWTS 11, Week 6 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

DWTS Season 11, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

DWTS11 Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!

DWTS 11, Week 3 – Cheesecake Awards!!

DWTS11, Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!

DWTS Season 11, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!

DWTS10 Finale – The Cheesecake Awards!!!

DWTS10 Week 9 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Top Posts & Pages

Calendar

Recent Posts

Pure Dancing with the Stars

Recent Comments

Categories

TV Links

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Top Posts & Pages

Calendar

Recent Posts

Pure Dancing with the Stars

Recent Comments

Categories

TV Links